Letter to My New Stomach

Jan 07, 2011

December 25, 2010     Dear Black Butterfly,   I want to write you the perfect letter, but I am having a difficult time in expressing deep gratitude in advance. Please don’t take offense, I am just a little speechless – and scared.  Your new life of may seem a little blurry at first, but in time, clarity will come. The first day you break from your cocoon, I know you will be beautiful and unique. You won’t ask for much. In fact, your first meal will probably be a few sips of Miss. Water. Miss. Water is your friend and she is good for you. Oh, remind me to introduce you to Mr. Protein and Mrs. Vegetables, they are very nice neighbors of yours. But please stay away from Mr. Crabby Carbs and Mr. Bubbly Soda, they are gangsters and will try to burn your wings if you cross their path. Overtime you will develop a modest appetite. You will be fed healthy goodies and only digest food when you’re hungry.    Can you imagine that you are a reincarnation of your predecessor-the Loch Ness Monster? I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. That damn Loch Ness Monster ate everything in its path and then one day turned into a cocoon, and out you came – a beautiful Black Butterfly. Remember this is an extraordinary journey, and you were the chosen one.  There will be days that you regret you ever started this journey and then there will be days that this journey will bring you enlightment. It is up to you to stay the course and remember why you were chosen. Take care of yourself and live your best life.   Kind regards,       Kimberly
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Letter to My Old Stomach

Jan 07, 2011

 

December 25, 2010     Dear Loch Ness Monster,   For the past 13 years, you have given me drama, pain, low self-esteem and depression. I can’t believe how ungrateful you have been to me both physically and emotionally. To feed you, I hid my binge eating disorder to make sure you were taken care of. I put you before anything in this world, even God. And what did you leave me with – nothing! I have no money because you were a financial burden. I’m fat because feeding you led to massive amounts of weight gain. I got stretch marks longer than the equator and cellulite that reminds me of Freddy Kruger’s face. Oh and lets not forget about the clothes in the closet ranging from size 14-26! Who’s going wear that shit now? Do you see what you have caused? You’re such a headache and a big asshole!!! To top it off, I can’t believe it has taken me more than a year to get you out of me. I had to fight the insurance company, I had to fight The University of Chicago, and I had to fight the fight just to fight. But now that 2011 is here, you are gone forever. I am no longer at your mercy. Peace, you little bastard!   Sincerely,     Your Avenger
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Surgery Date: February 14th!!!

Jan 07, 2011

What a great gift to myself. I know it wont be love at first sight with my new stomach, but eventually we will fall in love. LOL
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U of C Hospital - What a pain in my a** they have been!

Dec 09, 2010

Still have not recieved my surgery date because U of C wants me to complete all of these requirements that they should have stated long ago. Long story short, I really sent them a nasty letter on Monday telling they need to give me all of the requirements in one conversation and to not baby feed me steps along the way. Hopefully by Wednesday of next week I will have my surgery date. Looking forward to Jan. 2011. :)

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Approved...Finally!

Nov 29, 2010

So, after much hard work and ambition to get my surgery approved, I feel so elated. I actually founded out that I was approved the day before my 27th birthday. It was the best birthday gift ever! And, now I'm looking forward to starting the pre-op diet and on to surgery. No complaints here!
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The Journey: Self Discovery and the Beginning of the Beginning

Aug 20, 2010

    In January (2010), I went for a 4 hour evaluation at the University of Chicago to have lap-band surgery. Right off the bat, my doctor recommended I have RNY! Can you say, HELL NO, NO WAY!? I didn’t want to and was really afraid of having a drastic surgery. However, a UofC nurse practitioner in the bariatric center spoke with me the next day and explained at most I was going to lose 75lbs with lap-band and I needed to lose double that. Dang, there goes my chance at a real quick recovery. Hell, I wanted to pretend like I never had the surgery. Just show up at work 4 days later and BAM! – the weight just melts away like hot vanilla ice cream. The NP told me to sit on it, think about it for a few days and give her a call back with my decision but it was best to not have lap-band. After much research, I had to adjust my “skinny vision” and seriously think about what was the best way to lose the weight and keep it off. I came to the conclusion that a RNY was the right decision and my recovery wouldn’t last as long as I had original thought.


    
At my evaluation, I also saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with depression and binge eating disorder. I was shocked but relieved! For awhile, I felt worthless, sad and even suicidal but was in denial about it. But at this moment, I was ready to move forward and defeat these monsters!!! Later after leaving UofC, I told one of my close friends about my visit and she was shocked but said that it definitely brought us closer - she never knew this side of me and I was just tired of hiding and playing charades and isolating myself. I wanted to stop hating myself secretly which was manifesting itself physically through massive weight gains each year. I wanted to quit binging on boxes of pizza, McDonald’s, Jamaican food and 12 cans of soda a day. I wanted to stop abusing laxatives in preparation for another relentless failed diet attempt. Laxatives made me eerily sick but you couldn’t convince a fat girl that being fat for the rest of her life was inevitable. I was willing to try anything even if it meant lying on the bathroom in excruciating pain or vomiting my entire stomach contents into the toilet because I had taking too many laxatives. There were times where I couldn’t stop convulsing and death was near. But most of all, I wanted to stop contemplating suicide. Most of my friends and family, if not all assumed I was a resilient and hard working person. Deep down inside, I felt like fraud as I wasn’t living up to my potential and I had let my addiction of food consume my conscious. In my heart, I felt suicide would relieve me of this addiction and I would never have to worry again. There were all types of plans but I never wanted to hang myself like my PaPa did back in 2002, jump off a bridge or put a gun to my temple. I thought swallowing as many pills would be less painful and this suicide-preferred method would allow me to sleep peacefully and look amazingly beautiful in my casket. WOW! Looking back, it’s crazy how I rationalized my own suicide. Now, I am happy to say that I survived through these feelings of hopelessness.  


    Next, I needed to find a therapist for treatment because UofC required that I seek 3 months of treatment before they could perform my surgery. I was a little apprehensive because for the past 13 years, I have felt intense pain, sorrow and defeat because of my weight and I wasn’t too sure if I was willing to open up. Never mind the fact that I hadn’t met my deductible for the year 2010 and would have to pay out of pocket for these services.  I don’t make a lot of money of as receptionist/administrative assistant but luckily my employer contributes to my Health Savings Account.  Currently, I have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis. She has has helped me to recognize my feelings, inner beauty, strengths and weaknesses while being a non-judgmental professional.  In fact, my first session with my therapist felt like I had cried out the Atlantic Ocean through my tear ducks. Within 20 minutes into session, she recommended I see a psychiatrist for medication. Can you say Prozac!? Initially, not wanting to go this route but my therapist informed me that it would help the healing process. She was right! The effects of the medicine calmed me down and boosted my serotonin just enough for me to begin to function like a “normal, happy human being”. 
     

     Moving forward....I went to my PCP to start the 3-month diet back in March and only lost 6 pounds. BCBSil denied my surgery in June because there wasn't enough documentation of a 3-month non-surgical diet. Of course, I think my PCP sabotaged me so I had to fired her a**!! Word to the wise -- if you have to fight with your PCP about investing hundreds of dollars into a failed diet plan, it would be best to fire them in a Donald Trump fashion! And to top it off, this fool wouldn't see me because I was 20 minutes late for one of my appointments. She didn’t want to hear the fact that each time I went to her office, I've had to wait 2 hours before someone takes my blood pressure and I'm usually the last person in her office shutting off the lights as we walk out the door together. And, never mind the fact that on this day, the movie Transformers 3 was filming in front of my office building, so I had to walk 5 blocks to the nearest bus stop. She really pissed me off and I left that day feeling defeated and wanting to give up. BUT, I didn't give up that easy. I jogged my memory and remembered I wanted to have lap-band surgery three years prior and I had a different PCP at the time who was supportive. Dr. Benitez, I LOVE YOU!!!.


     Anyways, the next day after my ex-PCP didn’t want to see me for my weight check-in, I called Dr. Benitez and got an appointment 2 days later. I needed to see her quick because the end of the July was quickly approaching and I wanted to start my 3-month diet again for the third and final time. She recommended me to a downtown weight loss nutrition clinic run by a MD. I wasn’t too sure about this because I really wanted Dr. Benitez to record and recommend my diet but I was willing to follow her advice. After seeing Dr. Benitez, I made a quick appointment at the nutrition clinic and started another diet – I hate that word. So far so good! I have been on weight loss appetite suppressants for the past month and have lost 7lbs. YEAHHHH!!!! GROOVEY BABY!!!


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About Me
Chicago, IL
Location
31.6
BMI
VSG
Surgery
02/14/2011
Surgery Date
Jul 09, 2010
Member Since

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