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Stomaphyx procedure scheduled for May 12th to fix my enlarged stoma. Found out I have gallstone. Feel crappy most of the time. No weight regain, but dump with everything I eat so I was told the procedure is necessary. Praying I feel better after this. I still don't regret having the RNY.

I went in today for an EGD and ultrasound of my gallbladder. They found an ulcer and that my pouch has gone from 30cc in size to 90cc in size. Discouraged, disappointed, and can't stop crying. I am so afraid of being fat again that I can't stop obsessing.

I have not regained, but feel that I will at this rate. Looking for support locally. Hope I find it.

xoxo

Help me. I am feeling a little outta control with my eatting. I am thinking about food all the time. After I eat and feel full I am fine, but the minute the "hunger" returns I am right back in front of the fridge.

Ugh....will this ever end?!

I have not regained YET, but I have stopped losing and I am only 10 months out!!! I don't want to mess this up. How can I move past this "hunger"? I WILL not allow myself to fuck this up. I will fight it until the end, but I need help.

My husband doesn't understand why I am worried. He says I eat so little that I will be fine. What he does not understand is that I eat little bits of food ALL DAY LONG!  I am staying away from carbs and eatting lots of protein, but  I am consuming a lot of calories. I am restarting at the gym to help counter-act the calories and keep myself busy so the boredom eatting will stop. I have select times that I notice I eat more. I am trying to find other things to do during those times but it is still SO HARD.

I am frustrated, scared, self loathing....

So.... I need to confess a little something.

I have been vacationing in San Diego all week with my family. I have found it my first REAL challenge with food since my surgery 9 months ago. On this vacation we have visited many restaurants and seen lots of yummy, tempting food stands at the zoo, Sea World and Disneyland. I have done ok.....not great, but ok.

I noticed this trip how much of the "fun factor" of a vacation is in eatting. Everyone went from one meal to the next planning what to eat. What dessert to order, etc. I let myself slide about 3 times this week. I have been sick 2 of the 3 times. I dumped really bad once on a bowl of cereal and then just got a funky, yucky belly ache after eatting a chicken enchilada another time. 

I have been really down on myself, but keep saying I will go back to my good habits when I get home. I will get back in the gym...blah, blah, blah.

Anyways, just a confession to keep me on track. I wrote this more for myself than anyone. I just need to keep myself in check.

Man am I in a funk right now! I can't stop eatting and obsessing about food. I was doing so good and now I think about it ALL THE TIME! I ate too much today. I am glad I went to the gym, but it doesn't matter as long as I am destroying the good deeds with shit like this.

GRRR.....

Right now I am thinking about the sugar free dove chocolates waiting in my kitchen. I seriously think I can hear them calling my name. Yep, they are yelling for me. BRB....just kidding.

So, I think I will call Dr. Stickler tomorrow and beg for an early 9 month appointment and get me some support. Hope he is in town. At this rate I will gain back in no time at all.

Bring on the self hate.

I have lost 110 pounds and can wear size 12 jeans. I am extra saggy on my belly now, but will hopefully have a tummy tuck (possible lower body lift) in about 5 months. I am 7 1/2 months post-op and have to wait until at least 1 year post-op in order to have plastic surgery.

I have not decided on the breast stuff yet. I'd love a lift, but am insecure about all the scarring. I keloid my scars...yuck! I am leaning towards a small implant-supported lift since it has much smaller scars under my armpits. I am not sure if my insurance will cover it. I doubt it seriously. My surgeon backs me up on this idea.

My arms are kinda like bat-wings now and I'd like to have them done, but again...THE SCARS! I will skip on the arm and thigh lifts. :)

So, just and update.

I posted this forum topic below. It sums stuff up for now. I am unsure of my diet and feel a little insecure about my eatting. I am afraid I am over eatting. Hope I am not falling into the old bad habits.
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I feel the "carb monster" strong at times. So, what are the BEST foods?

For breakfast I eat two eggs and halfa piece of dry whole wheat toast. Lunch will be chicken, tuna or salad in a flax seed wrap or flax pita. snacks are always cheese sticks or a protein and dinner is almost always a chicken based meal or tilapia or another salad w/ meat on it. Dessert is a SF jello pudding cup or some special k 90 calorie crackers w/ light laughing cow cheese on them. If i am out and about i will get a 4 piece nugget or cup of beans from taco bell.

If going to a Chinese restaurant I eat steamed shrimp or fish. Mexican restaurant i get refried beans and eat some of my hubby's fajita chicken. Never any chips, rice, or tortillas, etc.

Please critique (Offer alternatives to, etc.) this menu!!!!! I want to do the right things.

WOW. Has it really been 6 months?!

So, today is my 6 month surgiversary. I am feeling great despite being a little tired. (I have always been a tired person though, even before surgery.) I went and had 6 month bloodwork done and my vitamin D is a little low, but everything else looks great. I was excited. Also, this month we had my hubby "snipped" since it is easier for me to get pregnant now that I am thinner. I don't want to get pregnant after having this surgery. I think it is horrible for mommy and baby.

So, no other major updates. I just wanted to check in.

I am a HUGE slacker! I can't believe it has been so long since I posted on here. Anyways, I am down...

drum roll please.....

95 pounds in less than 6 months!!!!!!!!!!!!! I weight 195 pounds today. (1/26/09) My 6 months will be 2/19/09 and I hope to be 100 pounds down by then...if i can get my lazy butt to the gym.

I have been going to the gym like 2 times a week and I wanna start back to 3 times next week. It is hard to go in the winter though. Especially hard with Oscar's preschool being cancelled due to snow.

As far as food, I am doing decent in my protein selection. I eat tons of cheese and meat. I stopped my protein shakes...I know I need to restart. I am doing good with my vitamins and drink all my fluids (thank God for splenda and iced tea). I had a "slight" dump with a glass of skim milk. Talk about feeling like shit. :(

I will post new pics at 6 months.

I am ALMOST 50 lbs down now and still have a week before my 2 month surgiversary!!! I am still doing soft foods, soups, etc. I will more than likely get dilated, but I am ok for now. If I can't have it, I won't be tempted.

I am finding "head hunger" to be terrible right now. I see commercials, smell food, etc and get frustrated and my body tells me I am hungry. I am learning everyday what an ADDICT I truly was, am, and will always be. I am addicted to food. :(

I have been working out 5 days a week. I do a mile a day cardio and then tone up using machines/weights 3 days a week. I hope this helps with my excess skin.

I am STILL not able to swallow pills so do chewable kids vitamins. Hope my hair doesn't fall out too bad! I am SOOO tired of protein drinks, but force myself to have one a day to get in my protein. I don't eat enough. I know I don't, but eatting is my least favorite thing to do right now. I hate it!

I am not getting in all of my fluids either. I try, but fail daily. Hope I can get (and stay) on track.