xjessx916

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Embracing the Extra You -  One thing that we all seem to discuss when a group of us weight loss surgery patients get together is our excess skin. Where we have it, what bothers us about it and what we plan to do about it. We pinch it, we grab it, we lift it… we obsess over it. And personally, I think it keeps us from being happy and fully embracing all of our success.

To the rest of the world this issue is kept secret. We wear support garments, loose fitting clothes and when people see us, they tell us how great we look, but we know what’s under those clothes and support garments. Even on TV, with shows like The Biggest Loser, the contestants first come on the show and they are paraded around practically naked so we can all be shocked at their hugeness. Have you ever noticed that as the weeks go by and they really start losing weight they start to put their clothes back on? Why? I thought this show was supposed to be about getting healthy. I thought we had surgery to be healthy…

I made the decision to have weight loss surgery in June of 2007. I was back up to my highest weight, 291 lbs, after another failed diet. My family and I had gone to an amusement park. I was miserable, I was embarrassed, but had to keep a smile on my face. Even though I had been well above 200 lbs for the past 10 years, it was not often I “felt” my obesity. On this rare day, I was aware of every pound. In my mind, everyone in the park was looking at me, the fat girl, with a fit husband and two thin children. I felt like I had a big sign on my forehead that said, “FATTY!” and my husband was reading it right along with them. So it was on that day in June of 2007 I decided I was going to have weight loss surgery. My mind was decided, but more importantly, my heart was decided.

Now I would be a liar if I said that my decision to have weight loss surgery wasn’t at all about vanity. Yes, I wanted to be healthy, I didn’t want the hypertension I was acquiring at 29 years old to get out of control, yes, I wanted to be there for my kids when they have their kids, but I was also tired of people staring at me and I was tired of feeling like a whale next to my husband. I wanted to feel pretty, not ashamed. So in February of 2008 I had RNY Gastric Bypass and have since lost 140 lbs.

So here I am, three years later, maintaining my goal weight. I should be happy, right? I shouldn’t feel bad about myself. This is what I’ve always wanted, to be at a healthy, “normal” weight. But there is that little voice in the back of my head telling me I still look fat. Is your little voice talking to you too? Telling you those mean lies? Well, I think it’s time we tell that voice to be quiet.

"To love yourself right now, just as you are, is to give yourself heaven. Don't wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now." ~ Alan Cohen

This quote gave me an excess skin epiphany. I’ve loathed it, I’ve obsessed over it, and now – I’m going to try and get over it. I’m no longer going to let my excess skin take away from my success. It reminds me of where I came from and gives me hope that I will never go back there again. It will continue to be a part of my journey and when I eventually have it removed I will have the scars as a reminder of all that I have accomplished, until then, I am not going to let it weight me down. We’ve come so far and learned so much – this should be what we talk about when we get together. Focus on the positive… don’t wait to love yourself.

OH Member Profile: xjessx916 Facebook Support Page: http://www.facebook.com/WeightLossSurgeryFB Blog: http://myfatalattractions.blogspot.com/

I woke up today in a positive state of mind. I have been making an effort to be more active this week and when I woke up this morning I decided I wanted to be mindful about what I put in my mouth today. No going back to the fridge for a string cheese or some crackers... I am going to think about everything I put in my mouth. I am going to pay attention to my body and what it's telling me. I will only eat when I am truly hungry.

SO WHY OH WHY, LORD, IS THERE A DELICIOUS LOOKING CHOCOLATE CAKE SITTING IN THE BREAKROOM AT MY WORK??? Seriously. And it was sitting in there lookin' all good at 8:30am... really?!! But I am determined today... you won't get to me, Chocolate Cake... I will beat you.

So I was just thinking last night about how I have such a desire to try new things and do stuff maybe I would have never done before. It's really refreshing!  It's like instead of just thinking it, I DO IT now! I love it. I have: jumped on trampolines (I would've just watched from a distance before), ran in 5k's, a 10k and a 12k!, taken boudoir pics (THAT was fun!!), made new friends (I was way more shy pre-op), pursued photography (I don't know why I never did this before!), hiked to the top of a waterfall! (and other hiking ventures), and the list goes on...

Some days I forget how much my life has changed. It's like I don't even remember who that fat girl in those pictures are.

Here are some pics from my post-op life

I've lost two pounds in two days. But I feel like it's 10! It's amazing just how a little self-love and making sure I am taking care of myself feels like I've shed some serious pounds! xoxo

...and slowly step away!!!

Old habits die hard. Or... they creep back in when your not suspecting and before you know it, you are thinking,"What happened to my healthy choices?".

So frustrating. I'm up about 20 lbs from my maintained low. I was 145 for about 6 months. I was happy there. Then I was up to 155ish for a while, wasn't so upset about being there either. The 10 lbs actually felt ok. I thought maybe I'd like to get down to 150 or so, but wasn't too concerned. At 145 my tailbone was aching and when I put the 10 lbs on it wasn't anymore, so I guess that's why I felt comfortable there. Well now I am up to 165. Seriously. WTF. I am uncomfortable here. I am not happy with myself at all.

I think my eating habits and lack of exercise this past few months are finally catching up with me. My little life devastation caused a ripple affect. I did not deal with it in a healthy manner. I let the devastation and depression consume me. What sucks is it is not the type of issue that just resolves. It's constantly evolving and causing more little ripples in my life. But I need to stop grieving and letting it consume me. I need to start being posotive and looking out for me. I was on this path a few months back - reading my past entries I had the right idea, and then I just let it consume me again. I have let it wear me down. And I didn't even realize I was letting it. I just made excuses for myself. Too tired, too busy... well I am not "too" anything to not take care of myself.

I need to exercise. I need to eat right. For my own mental and physical health. I don't want to focus on the scale. I want to focus on how I feel. I want to feel better. I want to have more energy. I can do this. I am a mentally strong, beautiful, intelligent woman and I am worth my own time.

Please check in with me! Please help me be accountable. I am 3.5 years out and with each passing month it feels like a little of that WLS magic fades away. I want to keep it fresh.

Hope you all are well! xoxo

So I've been keeping my head up. Been doing great on the health front and all is well. Still have good days and bad with "that" whole situation, but overall I am staying positive and mentally strong.

I really don't have much to talk about, but wanted to post an update and let you know all I am ok!!

xoxo

Put this together yesterday... thought I'd share it :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPMexw0lGro

I have decided to start doing the opposite of what I would normally do when I am going through a hard time. Normally I would keep everything bottled up, shut out the people in my life who care so I don't have to confront my feelings & turn to food.

There is another website that I journal on, however I notice even on that site, when I am down or going through a rough time, I don't journal. I tend to only journal when I am happy or there is something exciting on the horizon. This approach is obviously not working for me. So I've decided to start living as Bizarro Jess... like in my favorite show Sienfeld. I am going to be "Jess's exact opposite".

Taken from Wikipedia on the episode of Sienfeld - "The Bizarro Jerry":

The concept of a Bizarro universe is directly taken from the Superman universe, in addition to verbal references to Superman:

• Jerry: Yeah, like Bizarro Superman—Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down; down is up. He says "Hello" when he leaves, "Goodbye" when he arrives.
• Elaine: Shouldn't he say "bad bye"?
• Jerry: No, it's still goodbye.
• Elaine: Does he live underwater?
• Jerry: No.
• Elaine: Is he black?
• Jerry: Look, just forget the whole thing. All right?

LOL. A lot can be learned from Sienfeld. I really recommend watching it, however I do warn that it gets better as the seasons go on. The first season is not the best.

I noticed that the last couple blog posts on here have been theraputic for me. It is a release. With each post I feel like my heart gets a little lighter. So instead of avoiding my blog like the plague, I am going to make an effort to blog more and hopefully this helps me work through my feelings.

Instead of not reaching out to the ones I know love me the most, I am going to pick up the phone. I am going to lean on my friends, because that's what friends are for, right? I texted my BFF yesterday and scheduled a run at the river with her this weekend. Number one, it's exercise. Number two, she is THE BEST person to talk through my feelings with, so it will be like a therapy session and exercise all in one package! Which leads me to my third resolution...

Instead of feeling gloomy and letting the gloom consume me and using it as an excuse not to exercise I will take the gloom to the streets and start running again! I've scheduled three runs for this week and I will stick to them like dental appts. LOL - I mean who wants to pay that $45 cancellation fee?!

I am also going to start practicing mindful eating again. I have practiced mindful eating in the past and I know it works. If you are not familiar with mindful eating: Mindfulness is the deliberate process of being present in the moment, being attentive and maintaining a non-judgmental stance. It is a physical and emotional process that promotes balance, choice and acceptance. Mindful eating integrates these principles and applies them to eating and food. It incorporates learning to be aware of physical hunger and satiety cues as well as food likes and dislikes while withholding judgment of self, food and eating patterns.

I know I am still going to have my good days and bad. Something like this doesn't just go away... it's not something you just get over, however I have to find healthy ways to deal with it. I can't just let it continue to bring me down and consume me. It happened, it is devastating. BUT I need to be strong. I need to be positive. I can't continue to deal with this like I would have before WLS because the only place that got me was miserable and 291 lbs. I am not that girl anymore. I am older, I am wiser and I am putting my health first.

So in my self pitty I discussed my negative feelings about myself with a friend. I told her I wanted to take off about 10-15 lbs and was just feeling self-pity, unmotivated, etc. She reminded me how far I've come and encouraged me. She suggested I find a picture of someone with a body I wanted and hang it up in my cubicle and at home. I have heard of doing this before and must be honest that I think it's kind of a silly idea. However, I then remembered a picture of ME that I've always loved. It's just a simple cell phone pic that my son took of me before a night out with my hubby. It was taken the end of Jan 2010 and I was 145 lbs. I decided that this is the pciture I would print out and hang up. It's not some silly picture of a model's body that I will never have... it's me. I can do this.

So here it is... I've also decided to print out my before pic and hang it up right next to it as a reminder of all I have accomplished. How easy is it to forget how far I've come and fall in to a trap of self-pity for putting on 15 lbs. I've been through alot the last coouple months... and I only put on 3 lbs in that time. I had 10 I wanted to lose before that... now it's about 15. I can do this. I am still over 130 lbs down from my highest weight. I am and will continue to be a success. If I am being honest, I am still feeling pretty down today... this last weekend was a hard one, but I need to take care of myself, no one else can take care of my health but me, I need to be worth it for myself.

About a month ago I found out something very devastating. I am not going to go in to the details of that because it is very private and is not really the point of this post. But - I was devasted. Completely. I have never been through something like this and I still struggle with it daily.

For the first week after everything happened I was sick. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I felt a little like a walking zombie. It consumed me. Infact, that first week is a bit of a blur now. I ended up losing like 3 lbs that week. The following week, however, I turned to food. Just like before surgery, I found comfort in eating crap and would think "who cares"... just like the old me would say. So for the past three weeks I haven't been "on program". No, I wasn't perfect before all this. I would indulge, but I knew how to balance it. Have some pizza over the weekend, watch my diet throughout the week, but with this "who cares" attitude I am grazing constantly. I am not neccessarily eating crap(although there is some candy eating involved),  but I am eating when I am not hungry for sure. Grab a yogurt, a string cheese, sun ships, chips and salsa, eat, eat, eat.

I hadn't even weighed myself for the last three weeks until this morning... how lucky am I that I only put on about 2-3 lbs. It could have been much worse. I need to get back on track, but I am just still so down that I'm having a hard time motivating myself.

Another thing I am struggling with is exercise. A few weeks before all this happened I got a pretty bad case of bronchitis. I could not exercise because I felt like I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. One lap around the parking lot at my work (.34miles) and I would feel short of breath... then all this happened and I am not motivated. At all. Last weekend I did the San Francisco Bay to Breakers. It was a 12k which is 7.5 miles. I jogged a very small portion of it, around two miles, and walked the rest. With all the extra walking that day I probably did around 13 miles. All of that with absolutely no exercise for atleast the month and a half before. I am proud of myself for getting through it and recovering pretty quickly. It lit a fire in me to get back to exercise even if my diet is not quite under control right now, but the fire was quickly extinguished with a vist from mother nature (a la that time of the month).

I'm just feeling like a loser that I can't get myself together. I am scared of putting back on some serious weight... I think that would devastate me even further. Over three years out and it's not easy. It's work. And it's scary. It's scary that I fell back in to old habits so easily. I have obviously not found other coping machanisms. I thought I had. I thought exercise was my release, however in the wake of real devastation I turned back to old habits.

I'm still under construction... I need to get back to s support group, phone a friend, something... but I need to knock out the BS.

"And the rituals that soothe and disgust me will be gone in some time... I'll be fine."