ms payne
Wow, where do I start? I guess back to the original date of DECEMBER 25th, 1961. That is my birthdate and where it all began...being born an extremely obese person and having to live this HORRIBLE life is almost too awful to put on paper. I really dont like to go back and read it. I have lived pretty much i a funk my entire life, taking a back shelf to my entire childhood, youth, as well as young adulthood. I tried to portray this "tuff bulley" exterior, but when I went home at night, all I did was cry and eat myself to make me feel better. Food became my lover, friend and confidant over the years. I felt I had NO ONE to turn to. No one could feel my pain. I was watching my life slip away FAST. I had NO childhood. I never could run and play like the other children. I was always "limited" because of my inability to run (always out of breath). I couldnt participate in any of the activiites, too cumbersome. WHO wanted the "FAT KID" on their team? I was always picked last? DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? To always be picked last...Can you imagine what that does for someone's self esteem? So...I would make jokes about myself before anyone else could and put myself down because it would hurt less if I did it. I devolved this knack to be "funny". People loved it when you cracked FAT jokes, especially about yoruself...that was the funniest thing they had ever heard of...So this continued throughout my life....
It got to where I developed a crowd to where folks wanted to hang around me because of my creativeness or jokes regarding fat and myself. Well around Junior High School, my hormones set in and I started to like boys. They were always too shy to say they liked me becasue I was teh FATEST girl in school...Yes I was, nick name at that time...THUNDERTHIGHS! You know I still participated in sports though. I tried, although I sat most of the time on the bench or played THIRD string or something, but I did participate. In my dreams, all I could do is WISH such and such would LIKE me back. This was all through high school I had secret crushes. I wouldnt dare let anyone know becaue I knew I would be crushed, and fun would be poked at me. I suffered through that.
I grew up in a small town in Arizona, Indian reservation and graduated in 1979. I left 3 days after graduation and NEVER looked back. I thought that if I left that small town that I would have a better chance in the city. I have always just wanted to be ACCEPTED and I knew that my ONLY handicap was my SIZE and I was still growing because I was becoming increasingly unhappy and going into a deeper depression.
