not a before... not yet an after...

Sep 05, 2011

 i am in the losing phase where I am no longer a "before" but not yet an "after", I am just me. It is hard to know who I am anymore though. I opted to not do surgery, and it seems as though every sign from God is that I made the right choice... FOR ME... but its so hard to see all the losers and know I am not as fast as any of them. IT perpetuated the feelings I have had all my life, im good, just not as good as.. (fill in the blank)... I am working on not comparing myself to anyone but it is HARD to do! 

as far as my weight loss goes, when I set my goal for next week (mini vacation), i had far bigger expectations. I hoped I would have lost a lot more, but with a 2 month stall and 2 month depression that took priority, I am still 20lbs away from where I would have liked to be. It is HARD not to be disapointed. It is also hard to look at my small triumphs and say hey atleast you did this!

So here are some of my "non scale acheivements" I can now look at my plate with food still on it and say "nope, Im not hungry anymore" I can now sit and decided that I am thirsty, not hungry. I can now allow myself a good cry instead of burring my grief in food.

I still have days where I feel like a bottoms less pit, I still have days where I feel full but want more food for some unknown reason. I still get frustrated when I dont go to the gym, but cant bring myslef to go. I still feel unworthy of my "treats" (non food) 

it is all progress. I WILL have my "after" moment. But for now, I am going to enjoy the between!

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