chakara

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So, after all of the training, today was my race. I knew that my husband who had trained with me would not be there because of an impromptu meeting at work. What I didn't know was that my brother would come to run with me (what a little darling) and that my mom and friend would come to walk it in support of me. (their 1st 5k also)
I fully expected to be last, and though many walkers finished before me, I didn't finish last. I had hoped for a time of less than 60 minutes and finished in under 50! (Awaiting the official results this afternoon.) The point is I finished! I jogged in intervals with my little brother at my side.
I am completely blown away by the accomplishment. Not even 8 months ago, my doctor assured me that if my weight was not addressed, I would not see my son grow up. I am now over 100 pounds lighter and just finished a 5k. I wouldn't have dreamed this possible a short time ago. I just want people to know that there is hope just beyond the hopelessness of obesity. You really must just dream it, then do it!

     So, my hubbie came home to announce that he has an impromptu, mandatory meeting at work on the same day as the race. I don't know what to do, so I thought I would reach out for some support. He really wants me to wait and do a different race, but I hate the thought of waiting until Nov. 20th. Complicating things even more is the fact that when I do my full 3 mile training days, I am so sore afterward that I question whether or not I am ready.
     My husband is so very supportive and I want him to be there for my first race, not to mention he was slated to run with me. On the other hand, the symbolism of the whole situation is not lost on me. No matter how supportive he is, this is my journey. My success in this fight is solely based on my will to see it through. The thought of trying to cross the finish line alone is daunting! So, do I wait and put it off, or push onward because the bottom line is that it is my race to run. . . . .

So, here we go. Three months out of surgery and here are the specifics.
Highest weight     347 (suspect that it was higher, but my Dr.'s scale only went to 350)
Surgical consult   333 (1 year of dieting and working out)
Surgery weight     313 (after 4 week liquid pre-op)
Today                     258 (Yes, I have lost 75 pounds total 55 since my sleeve)

The not that bad news first: I missed my half way mark goal by 2.5 pounds. Oh WELL!

The good news I have lost 75 POUNDS and 31.5 total inches. I have lost 10 in my hips and 14 in my waist. I have lost 23% of my starting body weight! WOW! I have accomplished a lot of small landmarks along the way too. I can cross my legs, I have jogged for the first time in twenty years, I can fit into a booth, I can buckle a seat belt with out the strangle hold, and best of all, I can buy a pair of pants in a store not only online!!!!!

If you asked me in the few weeks following my surgery, I would have told you that I didn't know why I had done this to myself. I had a small amount of unexplained internal bleeding, a good deal of pain, and tons of nausea. But it all passed in a few short weeks and by about 6 weeks out, I started to feel great. There have been some real emotional highs, and some very ugly lows. Some friendships have been very strained and I have made a few great new friends here! This really is a fabulous tool.

I think I finally have to say it . . . . .wait for it. . . . .wait for it. . . . . . I LOVE MY SLEEVE!!!!

Nothing like an NSV to pull you out of the dumps! I had 2 in the last 24 hours. I bought a pair of pants for $4 athat are 4 sizes smaller than my old ones and they fit . . . well!! Then, I actually jogged on my treadmill! It felt great. I really thought about doing a 5k by spring. But, I thought it was one of those dreams you write down and put on your wall, knowing they won't come true. WRONG!!!! I can do this!     

My blogs are usually so upbeat, funny, and happy. . . . not today. I am just not feeling it. I feel isolated and alone. I am doing it to myself and I don't know why. I am isolating from my friends, family, and even my devoted husband. I don't feel like any one understands what I am going through emotionally. I know this will pass, but this hump is a big one to climb.
At least I can't hide from the Lord.

So I really do need to learn how to take a compliment. I know that people are trying to be kind and supportive in their limited capacity. BUT, notice the huge but (lol), today I had several of people come up and say, "you look so much better." What does THAT mean?!

-In the purest form maybe I looked like I was dying the week or so after surgery?
-Did I have one eye and a hump before?!
-What exactly looks better, because if they could see me in my skivies they would take it back. (I    fear they will be arresting me any day now for smuggling sharpei puppies.)

Okay, so I am just being a little silly. I am glad people take notice and care enough to comment. Sometimes I just wish they could hear things the way I hear them. LOL

I think it is funny that some people already tell me how skinny I look. . . . I still weigh over 275 lbs. Not complaining, just think it is funny.
I think it is funny that the people who were against the surgery (most of whom are overweight) are among the few who "don't notice" the weightloss.
I think it is funny when someone keeps looking and cocks their head sideways and says, "Did you change your hair?"
I think it is funny that people come up and rub my pants and say, "Your wearing jeans!!!"
I think it is funny that a few of my close friends after I turn to walk away say "Look at your little butt!!" (as I already mentioned I still weigh 275 lbs!)

Life is funny when you look at it that way!

I keep thinking that at any moment I will wake up and it will all be over. The weight loss will come to an end, and my surgery results are just a fluke. I am working my sleeve and seeing results. It may be years of dieting or my total tendency to think in black and white, but I am so afraid. I am more afraid now than i ever was before. I have never been thin in my adult life, as a matter of fact I have been obese. Now that I have finally allowed myself to entertain the notion that it could be different, I am filled with fear. Fear of failing, fear of ridicule, fear of all the life changes that have come along with this, fear of losing conrol, and most of all, a fear of being thin. YES, a fear of being thin! What if I don't like it? What if guys start lurking and creeping me out? What if my freinds stop coming around? Then I remember the question that made me decide that I was worth the $15,000 surgery, what if I don't live long enough to see my 2 year old grow up? So, for now, all I can do is buckle myself in and try to enjoy the scenery on this bumpy ride. (Even if I do prefer the driver's seat!)

So, I have lost a little over 50 lbs. People are starting to notice. Man are they noticing. Funny thing is they all mainly say the same thing. It goes like this. . ."How much have you lost? Oh wow that's great. I can really tell . . . in your face." I find it all hilarious. Especially because I am that girl who always heard "you have such a beautiful face." It was like I was some sort of floating head. I always was a little offended by it. Now I evidently have half a beautiful face. I never knew I carried so much extra weight in the face. LOL = o)     

So, 5 weeks out of surgery and starting to feel a little better. My daily routine is becoming bearable and managable. However, I am experiencing the world in a whole new way. I am always very in control of everything in my life (except my eating). The eating was a coping mechanism for when things seemed out of control. So, I recently attended a church picnic (Southern Baptist . . . lots of fried food) and I wasn't bothered or tempted. I didn't even think @ the food. I think I paid a lot more attention to the social aspect. I am sort of a leader in our church and know and talk to everyone. I am usually friendly and patient. BUT, I noticed some different things like people being inconsiderate, rude, and selfish. I have never paid attention to these things before and/or excused the behavior.
I have always just loved people and now, I find them incredibly annoying! I hope this is not a lasting thing!!! With my coping mechanism gone, I may have to lock myself in the house to keep from saying hurtful, ugly things.