civilgal

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So I have been so busy with my life that I finally have realized that I need to go back and take things slowly and just breathe again! Between family, work and school, I have barely had me time and I need it badly! So I am back and I really could use the support. Even though I know that I have lost weight, in my mind I still see that big girl and so I find myself constantly saying that this process did not work for me, what was the point! Why do I remain unhappy with myself when I know that everything is better for me? I mean, I can finally go to stores and find things to where  not in the plus size section, I do not have to get the extender for plane rides, and I think I can fit into a roller coaster again...so what is the problem? I think I am at this phase where now I have all of this excess skin and I am surprised by it. I knew I was big, but to have excess skin of this extreme astounds me and perhaps that adds to my whole self evaluation. So many new emotions right now that I am trying to balance. Hopefully I am not alone. I am really trying hard to accept my body, with its faults and all.

My scale is telling me that I weigh 217 pounds. And my body definitely looks smaller. But I cannot believe it. It is almost as if  it is like I am caught in some sort of Matrix and my body is transforming and morphing into something unreal. I cannot seem to fathom this transformation. Although it was something that I wanted, I guess I did not fully understand how it could happen when I was so large for such a long period of time. I am scared to take pictures of myself, because I am afraid that if I see myself I will think, I am still large and expect the transformation to go faster....or maybe I will not like the transformation because it is making look deformed in certain places...basically I am just feeling weird.

It is quite strange to have more energy. I can literally walk up my steps without huffing and puffing. I can walk a little faster and have a spring in my step. I am fitting in jeans that I have not worn in years but was determined to fit in but I still do not believe that I am fitting in those jeans, running up those steps, and springing in my step. I thought it would take me almost a year to get under 200 pounds, but yet to see that goal insight is a thousand emotions to me. For the first time, I see that I can do this. I can be the person who I always desired to be...and I am scared and excited at the same time.

It is just taking me a moment to take that all in and really evaluate that...I am caught in the Matrix...of this transformation...and I feel...excited...terrified...happy....relieved...scared...anxious...upset...worried...nervous...confident...confused...but most of all...encouraged to keep moving forward.

Sorry fam it has been a while! But I have been losing the pounds and the inches! I am down now to 234! Not bad since I have started this journey since June and I am now down a few pants and dress sizes and I am feeling great! As always I have my good and bad days...but I realize that I have to stay focused on my own journey instead of others. I am keeping busy with school, working and family life. But in between I am doing my exercise and deep water jogging too. I cannot wait to add Zumba...I should have already started it, but I am looking forward to taking in when the next registration term starts. Well I would love to add more, but work calls. I will add new pics when time allows. In the mean time, I will keep in moving!

-Toya

P.S. I had to go to Cincy for a Bachelorette party and I had to fly...for the first time I did not need an extension and I FIT in my seat!

It has been almost eight weeks since my surgery...wow time is flying by! So far I am down 31 pounds...I have so many to go...but I must be grateful for the small steps in my life. These past two weeks have been tough in terms of getting in my workout. Work has been killing me and I have been working a lot of late hours...so I have to get back on another schedule. I have one week until my classes start which will had another hurdle to the mix, but I am not going to let that interfere with me staying on track. I have got to stay focused! I am thinking of finding another gym...and getting a trainer...perhaps if I get a set schedule that will definitely help more. In the meantime I am going to stay focused...I have too. I mean everyone says I am doing the right things...but sometimes patience can be a trying thing...

So I have not written in my blog in a while. I have somewhat been avoiding it and also since I have returned to work I have just been really busy. I am almost six weeks post op...time has flown by. How do I feel right now? I guess I am indifferent. I guess I am indifferent because my reality has not matched the fantasy that I had regarding the surgery. I guess somehow I felt once I had the surgery all of my weight would magically fall off overnight. Of course I have to be realistic that that would not happen but still seeing the success of others one cannot help but to get...great expectations.

I do not want to turn into one of those persons who become obsessed with the scale and measuring inches, etc. At the end of the day, I know it will come off and I will lose the weight but again having great expectations set up to look at every little thing and get frustrated when you do not lose a pound after the pounds have been falling off after four weeks. Or even if you can eat five more teaspoons of something one day than you can eat it the other day...

Great expectations...can lead to mental fallacies if you are not too careful. I am not playing the game...I am just enjoying the ride to this new life and journey that I am on. Knowing that by the time my trip to the Winter Olympics get here...it's on.

I know it is all in my head. The worry that I am eating too much. The worry that I have stretched out my pouch.  The worry that I must be doing something wrong because I can eat way too much. I can do to much. I am not sick enough...

It has to be all in my head. I feel too good. I can drink too much. Perhaps I snack t0o much. I question whether I really feel hungry or am I just eating to be eating. I question whether my doctor did my pouch tight enough. I question whether I could have gotten the lapband with the pouch too.

I question when can I really start getting in the gym to lose more weight. Why did I only lose 8.5% as opposed to those who lost 10% of their weight...what is going on? Indeed, it is all in my head.

I know I am within the first few weeks of my surgery and I am still getting used to my body, my pouch and a whole lot of other changes. I know I do not eat NEARLY as much as I did before...but I cannot help to freak. But it helps to write things down when I freak out to know that it is all in my head and everything is really okay and I am really fine.

And now I am starting to feel my stomach tighten from that juice that I just drank. See...no need to panic...it is all in my head...

But I am sure I will freak out again in the near future.

Today I had my follow up appointment with Dr. Singh.

First things first I have lost 12 lbs! Yay!

Second, it appears that the things that I was worried about is not an issue. I do not have seroma at all! Apparently my body is the way it is supposed to be...go figure. Everything is fine and I am doing well.

In fact I am doing so well I am OFF my pureed diet and I am on the REGULAR DIET! Of course I am going to still be timid and take it easy but I feel so empowered being off the pureed diet!

I feel really, really good today! I am too excited and now I really feel like I can do this!

I am tired. I am tired of this pureed food thing. I am no longer creative and everything tastes the same. After one week when I thought everything was going to so well, I am now experiencing a "wait a minute" phase where I am thing what the heck have I done.

I thought I was immune to nausea and sickness. Well I was completely wrong. I got nausea and then yesterday I got the full sickness. I did not enjoy that at all. My protein shakes use to taste wonderful; but now they are entirely too sweet and I cannot even begin to drink them any more.

I do not even want to touch food. None...whatsoever. For fear that my night yesterday will become my night and day everyday. I have seroma too...

I know in the end it will be worth it. My blood pressure and everything else shows me that I have made the right decision but it does not mean I am not tired. More than anything I want a taco! That nevers happens when I want something so bad like that. But I guess knowing that I cannot have it right now makes the feeling even stronger.

I am just tired and I sure I am not the only one to go through these phases. I also do not see any weight coming off yet, but of course I am just starting this journey. I guess I just needed to vent...

Let me go take my vitamins and make my cream of wheat...

It has been three days since I had my surgery. Several things amaze me; that I am upright, that I am walking, and that I am cognizant of what is going on around me.

The surgery was not like anything I expected...at all. First of all, I am what you call a difficult intubation, and so I had an awake intubation. I do not remember that much of it, but I do remember some rather nasty throat numbing stuff. The next thing I know I am waking up in recovery.

I think I am doing okay. I am following directions and doing what I can to take things easy. My daughter and my husband are my greatest allies and we are making it work.

So now I will just work on more walking, more respirator breathing and taking it easy.

Until I feel better; it appears that the meds are starting to kick in...

So I just got the pre-op call again from St. Agnes. I went over all of my medications again. It was kind of surreal...like haven't I been through this before? But it was also interesting because I found myself hearing things that I did not hear before, such as showering instructions, etc. It is funny, I was bummed about not having the surgery on Monday, but actually it worked out. It allowed me to come home and deal with some last minute house matters and pay a few bills!

And now it is hump day...only one more day and then I will be back in the OR. I am not nearly as nervous as I was because I know the procedure this time around. I guess experience does help things out in this case. But I am really hoping the intubation goes smoothly this time...I want to be on the loosing side too!