Today is May 20, 2009.  I had my RNY surgery on Jan 24, 2006.  My highest weight was 234 at time of surgery and I got down to 140 (actually 139, but that was only for about an hour).  I am now back to 186.  Would I have this surgery again?  I'm not sure.  Although I still feel better physically I'm starting to get my comorbidites back.  My sleep apnea is back, my high pressure is back, my back & legs are bothering me again.  I guess I just am not meant to be thin.
  I never really learned to change my eating habits for the better.  However, I did change the way that I eat.  I lost all of my weight (about 100 lbs) in the first 10 months.  Nothing more would come off & I got frustrated.  I started to eat more often..grazing!  I was never one to eat huge amounts of food, I just grazed.  However, I no longer graze on junk food.  I graze on sugar free fudgies.  I have been eating at least 10-12 a day.  The sugar alcohol doesn't make me dump in a classical way, but gives me gas like you wouldn't believe.  Some of my farts can last up to 45 seconds..it's embarrasing.  Does it stop me from eating them?  No...I just can't help myself.
  I've been doing some self analysis to why I regained and I have a thought.  When I was at 140 I went way overboard on buying clothing.  It was my new obsession.  I was shopping every day & buying so many clothes that I would never be able to wear them all.  I would feel guilty about buying them, but I was too embarrassed to return them, so I would take them to a consignment shop.  They would sell them for less than 1/2 of what I paid for them.  I felt that there were just too many choices in a size 6.  Now that I'm bordering between a 14 & 16--right between plus sizes there aren't as many choices & I don't feel comfortable enough in my clothes to buy more.  I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but I really believe that's most of my problem

 Today is March 1.  I can't believe it!!!  Although I hate being home, the time is actually going by fast.  I still haven't gotten a new job yet.  I have a canvass letter for the psych center that has to be back by March 12, so maybe I will get an interview after that.  If not, I'm going to wait until after my birthday (April 7) so that I can go & visit with Jenn (my daughter) in Charlotte.  She has her spring break that week.  I have never seen the apartment that she is living in.  It should be a nice time.
  Well, I'm afraid that "fat Kathy" is back.  I looked in the mirror yesterday & that was my first thought.  I keep trying to fool myself by saying that it's just swelling from my tummy tuck, but hey, you don't gain 15 lbs from a tummy tuck.  I was 150lbs the day of my tummy tuck & today I'm around 154-156.  My lowest weight was 140, but I just can't seem to get back down there.  I have been back at the gym for the last month, but I still can't get back down.  I have been exercising sooo hard.  I had the personal trainer give me a new workout routine, but I'm only cleared to do cardio--no weights.
   I have been eating all kinds of junk lately.  Yesterday I had one entire donut (a fried cake no less) and 3 bites of an apple fritter.  Then later I ate an entire hershey bar---not just an individual serving, but the big one--I think it's 1/2 pound.  I don't know why I did it.  I've got to get my eating back on track.
  I know I can do this...I just need to get a job & get a routine again.  I won't be a failure!!!!!!!