Second post of the day--had a good cry

Mar 25, 2011

I can't believe how I am sharing here again today on this site. I just had one of those events that maybe you all can understand.

Here is the background to what happened today. I have been married for 21 years to a great big lug, and I do love him, but the following recap will kind of let you see what I deal with. My husband has had his own business for 30 years and we have no medical insurance. Our business is doing fairly well but there are always ups and downs with the economy and clients who don't pay etc. etc. I had a good job with insurance but had to let it go because I was getting no physical/mental support from him in helping me raise the kids and looking after the house because he works 7 days a week and long hours. So I was working full time and working at home full time, well you guessed it, something had to give, and I kind of collapsed mentally after my oldest was in an abusive relationship with a guy who threatened to cut her face and kill our family (that guy ended up in jail for another assault).  I spent many months after quitting my nice job, helping my daughter get her self-esteem back. That took a lot out of me. I have spent the last 2 years looking after the home and family and myself and I haven't had the energy to go back to find a job, especially with this long wait for WLS. I also know that I could never go back to work full-time with 4 kids still at home, hence no extra medical insurance.

Today, I got a call from the hospital to give me a date for a pre-op consult and bloodwork before my surgery April 13. They asked if I had insurance, "no". Would I like to pay extra for a semi-private or private room or be in a ward? I told them I would consult with my husband. I called him and of course he said I should just go in a ward, because wasn't it about 300-400 dollars a night for a semi-private. I just mumbled "fine, whatever, goodby". I then sat in my chair and cried and cried....because...years ago, I had given birth 4 times and had a ward each time and never complained. We were young and didn't have much money. But now, after 21 years of marriage, do you think he could just put out a few bucks, even though it is for one night? Does he not think I'm worth it after all? Why am I always just not good enough? And, if I put up a fuss and then get my way....I wouldn't be happy...I would feel guilty! That my few hundred dollar a night room might put his business behind financially! Why couldn't I have a husband who would value my worth and not spare an expense to have the best for his woman? Why do I have a husband who puts his business before family? Why am I the one who puts family before business?

I wish for once I could be selfish and not guilty. I feel guilty that I haven't contributed financially to the family in the last 2 years and now I'm in this position that I will be in a "ward" and not in a semi-private or private room.

I'm sorry, but I feel messed up today. Maybe I'll go for a long walk again.

O.K., I just came back from my walk and I'm not feeling as bad...I am seeing a positive...I remember in one of my pregnancies, I had a ward to myself! Maybe I will be lucky and this will be the case again...or that, maybe, I will be surrounded by really nice people. I have to look on the bright side. It is only for one or two days...not the end of the world. I can suck it up and put my big girl pants on once again.

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