22 Months Post Op

Mar 15, 2011

Well, after 22 months of pain and suffering I have to say that my situation has improved but not enough that I would ever consider doing this surgery again or that I would recommend it to anyone.  I still have pain every single day, before I even eat a bite of food my stomach hurts.  Most of my meals are liquid these days and the only time I have something really enjoyable like a salad or meat is when I have prescription painkillers. 

However, to make my situation much worse these last few months I am pregnant.  Normally being pregnant is such a wonderful thing but it has been so hard my doctors have told me I cannot be pregnant again after this.  I have to completely throw away the dream I've had all my life of a big family.  All because of this stupid surgery.  I don't even know how the pain medications and other medicines I've been given during the last six months of this VERY unexpected pregnancy will affect my little girl who is due June 24.  While the ultrasounds are all normal and show she is developing well, there has to be effects to what I am going through that cannot be seen on the ultrasound.  So, along with the horrific pain I've been in I also get to add incredible worry and frustration to the pile of emotions that are already hyper active when pregnant.

Because of the original problem of the excess in scar tissue that made it impossible for the surgeon to close the gap completely (meaning I had a HOLE left over at the corner where the esophagus and stomach meet) my stomach went into overdrive and create a lot more scar tissue than was already there to begin with.  Apparently my body really likes making scar tissue.  My stomach pretty much healed itself shut.  So then I had to have another major surgery, nothing short of a gastric bypass (which I did NOT want!).  They had to re-route my intestines from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my stomach since my stomach had healed itself shut completely and even with weekly procedures would not open back up.  They did not remove extra parts of the intestines which was good because we somehow ended up pregnant only four months after this surgery (and we're not stupid, we know how to use birth control - it just didn't work). 

However, the part of my stomach that was left over is almost non-existent.  It hurts to even drink fluids because there is just no stomach there.  Without taking daily Rx pain medicines I can't eat even semi-normal foods.  I don't think this would be quite as difficult if I wasn't pregnant but because I am pregnant I have to be off the pain meds for the last 3+ months of the pregnancy and its just not going well.  Nothing the doctors are doing is working.  I have to sip Boost ALL DAY LONG just to keep my weight stable (which isn't even low despite all this crap I've been through). 

My "lowest" weight during all of this has been a thin 155 pounds which is about a size 8/10 for me  (I have gained 4-5 pounds at 26 weeks pregnant).  The reason its not lower is because all I can do is "drink" calories like milk and juice and eat "soft" foods that are mostly high in carbs.  The worst thing for my body.   I can't even eat mushy broccoli without stomach pain.

This surgery has ruined the last 22 months of my life, strained my marriage probably irreparably, cost us more money than we have (I have always had perfect credit and very little if any debt and now I have creditors calling me at all hours of the day and over $25,000 in debt), this has ruined our chances for the big family we always wanted, and so much more.  I now have chronic insomnia which I take Trazadone for and that helps, but only so much (though I have always been a terribly light sleeper).   I also live in fear of something called "stomach spasms" which are more painful than labor.  They can last for hours and hours and the pain is so intense there is nothing to do but roll around on the bed and cry.  The doctor who did the gastric bypass surgery said that he thinks this will go away with time.  I can only pray it does. 

The worst part of all of this is the lack of help from 99% of doctors I go to.  During this pregnancy one of the OBs I was working with even told me I have an EMOTIONAL ADDICTION to the pain medicine and tried to get me to go to rehab!!!  I couldn't believe it.  She convinced another doctor or two that it's all in my head and so I had to switch doctors SIX MONTHS into my pregnancy.  I have been working my butt off to find an alternative to pain meds for the remainder of the pregnancy and every thing I have done has shown my desire for this (I even have spent a week in the hospital and have offered to go with a TPN feeding so that I don't have to eat by mouth).  To be labeled a drug addict just added so much insult to injury. 

Do I really have to put up with not only chronic stomach pain that makes me useless half the time but NOW I also have to put up with doctors claiming I'm just trying to get a rush????  WHILE PREGNANT???  I would have to be the world's worst mother to purposely put my unborn child through anything that wasn't absolutely necessary for my own survival.  I think I am more mad about the accusation of being called an addict (when I have NEVER ONCE run out of my pain meds early and if I was taking them for emotional reasons I wouldn't have them for the pain!!!) than I am so much else about the last 22 months of misery.  If nothing else, I have had a very good attitude about all of this and I think that was a snapping point for me.  After that accusation I am now simply distraught and worry I might finally start to get really depressed.  How could someone actually think that of me?  I have never taken pain meds for anything other than pain.  Had I never had this vile surgery in the first place my life would be fine.  My work would be great, my marriage would be excellent, and I might be fatter but I'd be a heck of a lot happier and healthier.  And probably would not have destroyed my dreams of a larger family.

Make sure you realize what you might be giving up if your surgery doesn't go well.  It is worth risking everything in your future just so you can be thinner?  You may never be able to eat a real meal again.  And when you're obese that sounds like the perfect diet.  But in reality, it's like torture.  My husband can eat anything he wants and I get to sip on my can of Boost.  Try living on nothing but Boost for six months and you'll go mad.  You may be giving up the pain of obesity only to take on a whole new chronic pain that keeps you from as many daily activities as did your original weight problem.  MAKE SURE you have no other alternatives and that you really cannot continue to live your life as you are before you opt for stomach surgery.  I would give anything to undo what has been done, but there is nothing like that available.  I can only hope and pray that with each new doctor's door I knock on maybe ONE of them will have an idea that will help get me out of this misery.  :(

P.S.  My new OB is wonderful and has been MORE HELPFUL than any of the G.I. doctors I have been too.  Most doctors won't touch me with a ten foot pole and Dr Wagner is actually trying to find something that will work for me that is not a pain medicine.  While nothing has really worked out well yet, at least he's really trying.  That's more than I can say for all the other doctors I've been too.

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