ANGELINA6501
One week post op
Dec 23, 2014
Today makes 1 week post op. This week has not been easy, but it has been manageable. Physically I am feeling better, but still have some pain. Incisions are healing nicely; the large incision will take longer of course. Giving myself blood thinners, this morning was a bit of a disaster when I tried to put the needle in. Hurt like hell and I don't know if I got all of the medication in. Have large lumps at injection sites which is supposed to be normal. It hurts! Oh well.
Liquids are difficult, Have not yet been able to hit 64 oz and definitely have not gotten my calories or protein goals met. Drinking makes me nauseous sometimes - I know, welcome to the club! I am working like crazy today to get it all in. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I have a timer set for every 15 minutes to have a drink, and if I am feeling thirsty earlier than that, I take a sip. Protein drinks are nasty. I have a go to recipe that works, but I can imagine I'll get tired of it after a while. Able to sleep in my bed, with my CPAP, but only on one side. My back, shoulders, hips, legs and arms are sore from propping myself up at night, even with the pillows.
Emotionally, I have been trying to stay on an even keel. Brief moments of tears (1 minute cry and only 1 day). It was because of my husband's behavior. Remembering I can't change him, only me. My overall emotion today is anger. Angry that I had to come to the surgery as a last resort. Angry because I want to just be normal and God did not have that as my plan. Trying to understand why, but I know I will not have any answers and any answers will not be easy ones to accept. I am angry because other than health problems that obesity brings, society has pushed me to this surgery. I will never be thin. According to society, my life will be perfect when I am thin. But in reality, my life will not be perfect. I will never be a model or someone to worship. I will never be worthwhile in the eyes of society, thin or obese.
Surgery is not a cure all. Surgery will never allow me to be thin. If I would have realized this, I may have reconsidered going through this process. Trying to accept that I may not reach ONEderland is pretty difficult. I will be smaller, but not thin. Then what? All this pain and mental shit for a measly 70 lbs. This is not going to be acceptable to me. Surgeon said that a 70 -80 lb loss is attainable, but I will still be over 200#'s. If I'm going to still be fat, I want to eat whatever the 'F' I want! If I will be eating less, I want to get to my goal of 135.
I was finally feeling excited this year, my husband is working and he is in a better mood this Christmas. We decided to put up a tree (last year we did not.) We have the financial means to give gifts. I should be happy. But now after this surgery, I am not feeling so excited. I would be ok sleeping the whole day away and avoiding everyone. It isn't necessarily about the food (though I would love to eat), it is about my embarrassment and depression. I am tired of talking about my WLS, but I understand people are curious and concerned. But I will buck up and act like all things are great. This is what my family expects from me and I don't want to upset them. This was one reason why I didn't back out of surgery. I didn't want to disappoint them.
My therapist dropped me because I was unable to make some appointments and then due to surgery and being unable to drive, she thought it best if I just was dropped from the practice and then come back and do another intake. So right now I have no mental health support. So much for being understanding or accommodating - I would have been glad to do weekly phone sessions while I can't drive. Guess that is not acceptable.
Is being thin my only goal? No. I want to be healthy. But what does that mean? To me, Healthy = thin. I will never be thin; I will never be healthy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. I'll be able to eat some hot cereal and stuff tomorrow.
