self-disclosure + defensiveness

Nov 30, 2012

The other day, the psych (I should call him by his name, Ronen) asked who I had told I was doing this. I told him nobody but my immediate family. He asked why. I explained that I generally don't talk about things until they are a sure bet e.g. I am not likely to say "I am going to buy a new car in 6 months". I will more likely say, "I am going to a dealership today to buy a new car", or, more often, "I bought a new car today." The only reason I have for this is that I just think there is not much point in sharing all these plans with folks before they're sure bets. KWIM? I guess it is something I have to work out. Anyway...

Today was my first "dry run" at telling people I am having the surgery (outside of my immediate family). I went in to my PCP's office to have the EKG done and remaining labs drawn. I saw a different doc than my primary. His response was polite but distant, almost curious, but pleasant nonetheless. The lady in the lab, however...She is a larger woman, probably at a BMI higher than mine. She asked me a bunch of questions and after each one would relate back to herself. Statements she made: 

• "But you're not a BIG girl" Uh, yes I am. If I had not been working with the doc on weight loss for the past x years, my BMI would be well over 40. (it's at 37.5 today).
• "I'm too old" to do that." Well, I have seen some folks on the lists I am on are well into their 60's when they have the surgery.
• "I have worked in healthcare all my life and know too much about postop stuff." Oh, well, ok...

Here's the thing. I didn't say a thing about her weight, her health, or her lifestyle. I answered her questions honestly and from my perspective. But yet, she was defensive. Probably my biggest response (I am guessing) is going to be, "but you're not THAT big".  Perhaps I need to practice the response, "Thanks for your perspective that I carry it well, but I need to do this to stave off certain health problems."

I do worry about telling people at work, particularly. I think it is partially because I have long drawn a "line" across what is safe to share at work and what is too much. I very much operate by the inner sanctum principle - there are very few people who really, really know what is going on in my world. The rest receive information, but not much of consequence. I will be polite and self-disclose, but only trivial stuff, I guess. I would say all in all I am a very private person particularly when talking about myself. And, my weight and body image are such tremendously vulnerable things to discuss. I cannot image making them public. But, it does appear that I will figure out how to manage the right amount of information in this case, as well.

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