Barbara C.

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Sometimes, I think that we think that the 'journey' is just about the weight loss, but I think it is also about learning to accept and love ourselves.

Today several of us went shopping and with that came the you look great ... 'thanks, but I hate my "fill in the blank." We started talking about how we don't like this or that and how uncomfortable it makes us and I noticed that it was so true that each of had our own 'hang ups' about this or that. We truly feel uncomfortable about our arms, or stomachs, or legs, or ... and the list can go on and on. However, when we have others there with us, they are seeing something different when they look at us.

When I was trying on a dress to wear to my son's wedding, I was at a boutique that I had frequented long before I had surgery, so the shop owner knew me before and is still adjusting to the new me. When I put the dress on, I saw little bulges here and there. I thought I needed the dress in a size larger. I thought I couldn't possibly wear the dress without the jacket. The store owner was astounded when I came out of the dressing room and said I looked absolutely stunning and so incredibly small and slender. Now I know she own's the store and wants to sell the dress, but she is a friend and actually will tell me when something doesn't look right. Not only did she think it was fabulous, but I was surrounded by friends who thought it was fabulous After talking to me about it a while, I realized I was fixating on what I see as 'problems'.

Several of us talked about it later and one of the things that came up, was that when we are losing all of this weight we hope we'll be the lucky one that doesn't look like a sharpei when we're done. We know that other's may look worse, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that we did this 'damage' to ourselves and we to a certain extent grieve the fact that we have hurt ourselves and can't get back that 'lost' beauty. I know it sounds vain and maybe it is, but I know that if I hadn't done this to myself I would have been a beautiful young woman. I think I'm reasonably attractive now ... with the 'right' clothes on ... but it hurts to know that if I hadn't gained all of that weight, I would have been a beautiful young woman. That's lost, I can be an attractive middle-aged woman now. So now that I've recognized that I'm grieving what could have been, I need to learn to celebrate what is and what I have done FOR myself and let go of what I did TO myself. I can tell that for me this is part of my journey and it's a process that I need to get through. I hope that recognizing it will help me to come through it learning to love who I am without being upset about or making apologies for who and what I am now.

I find it hard to believe the metamorphosis that has occured over the past year. I have lost a whole person and gained a healthier one in return. I an no longer diabetic, my cholesterol is down, my blood pressure is great and my hemochromotosis is under control.

The 'losing' part of my journey is over and while that was full of challenges, I think that the real challenge is ahead as I learn to work to maintain the loses and gains achieved over the past year.

I am still adjusting to my new body. It is not what I had hoped for and I have to admit some disappointment in the result of my years of obesity; the excess pounds I carried for so many years have definitely left their mark. It still amazes me when I meet someone for the first time, who has never known me as a big person, and they are so very surprised if they find out that I used to be over 260 lbs. They can't imagine me as a big person. They say that I'm so small, it's hard for them to envision me large. I am still working on envisioning myself as a normal, slender person. I am not 'skinny' by any stretch of the imagination, but I am now a 'normal' weight and wear a size 4/6 in my pants and 10 in my tops ... I'm not busty, just have a huge rib cage. I am getting close (within 5 lbs) of what my surgeon considers my 'ideal' weight. I don't want to lose anymore weight because I've lost most of my chest, rear and thighs. I also feel like my face and neck are falling. While I think I did look younger when I first started to lose weight, I think I've gotten to the point of deminishing return; meaning that I now, instead of looking younger, I'm starting to look older. I REALLY don't like that. I feel vain when I talk about what I look like and how it makes me feel, but it is real and a part of how I see myself. This does not mean that I'm sorry I've lost the weight, far from it. I guess it means that it makes me keenly aware of how much I've 'hurt' myself and that makes my heart ache. It is the outward representation of the damage I've done. I think that we all hope when we start this journey that we will be the lucky one who will come through relatively unscathed, that we will look 'normal.' I know that there is a part of this that is vain, but it is also painful. I also realize that I have made positive changes and I'm proud of myself for doing so and happy about the positive results of weight loss and the positive impacts these changes have had on my health and quality of life.

I look forward to the next year. While I know that it won't be filled with the roller coaster ride of incredible changes that have occured this past year, I do think that it will be fulfilling as I learn to maintain the changes I have made this past year and become more comfortable with the new person that I am. While in many ways I am still the same person on the inside, in many ways I am not. I hope, for the better.