Barbara C.

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I have struggled with whether to share this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me. I absolutely am not interested in being berated or flamed. I do a good enough job of beating myself up. I decided to share this because I think that we have demons that we are fighting at one point or another and I hope that in sharing my own failure and fear,  that it will help someone else know that they are not alone and that together, we can conquer and learn to manage our weight and the triggers that threaten our weight loss and/or maintenance.

Many of you have known me for a while already know this. Those who are new may not. I struggle with and often succumb to severe, dibilitating Major Clinical Depression. You may notice that at times, I don't post as much. When I'm struggling, instead of starting threads, I tend to answer other peoples posts more and my answers may be very short ... sometimes people mistake this for my being upset with them, but it's that I'm struggling to think and function.

At any rate, as for most folks these days, life is stressful right now and when you add stress to depression, it makes a nasty combination.

I scared myself yesterday. I was in meltdown mode, crying off and on all day. I had made some cinnamon toast and hot tea for my daughter. I had a small piece. No problem. It's okay. But later, when my meltdown occurred, I had two, count them, two HUGE slices of challah cinnamon toast. It was like I was standing outside of myself having an out of body experience as I watched in terror at the old me and my old 'coping' mechanisms in full swing... It was terrifying and I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I just melted further into a deeper puddle of tears with the desperation, anger and guilt that surrounded my unteathered actions. I was amazed at how 'easily' I was able to gobble down the toast and how much I was able to consume. Of course, I didn't come close to dumping.

I was able to get myself stitched back together and I made better choices during most of the rest of the day, but the shear force of the urge to 'comfort' myself with food and then following through as I did, terrifies me and with good reason, I think. I don't want to end up where I was and I know that it's a slippery slope that I fell on. I was searching for answers and went to my 'toolbox' to try to figure out how I could have lost control and how to get it back. I lost control by not following my plan. I didn't stay 'true' to the plan that I've set out for myself; I ate standing up, I ate something that I hadn't planned to eat,... But while going through my Beck Diet Solution book, I also realized that we all make mistakes and that is exactly what this was; a mistake. I now have recognized some of the reasons I got here and what I can do to avoid doing it again. The day was not lost. I didn't have to give in and trash the rest of the day, week, month ... etc, giving in and giving up as I would have before. Instead, I've picked myself up and am in the process of trying to clean myself up and get back on firmer ground.

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and we were High School sweethearts. In high school I was overweight and by the time we got married I was obese and over the years became morbidly obese and stayed that way until my recent memorphosis. My husband has always 'chased' me 'round the room, but this morning while I was putting lotion on my legs I told him that I wanted to ask him a question. I told him it wasn't loaded and there weren't any right or wrong answers; then, I took a deep breath and asked, "I know that physically I've changed a great deal in the last year resulting in a slimmer me, but with a LOT of extra skin." So then I asked, "Did you find me more attractive before or now?"  He said, that I know that he found me attractive before and he still does now. He said that he's still getting used the new Barb. He said that he had 35 years with the rounder version of me and only a few months with the newer, trimmer version and it's still taking some getting used to. I can understand that, because I'm still getting used to me too. He also said that regardless of the package, that he loved me and finds the person that I am beautiful.

I think it might just marry him again!

Just about everyone we run into has a story of a friend, aunt, co-worker, etc... that had 'the surgery', lost the weight and gained it all back.

The good news is that statistically, after 10 years, 80 percent of patients maintain a weight loss the excess weight loss that they acheived with their WLS. However, 10 percent will experience a regain significant enough to no longer be considered successful (at least 60 percent of their excess weight) and another 10 percent will experience a regain of every single pound that they lost.

After extensive studies, they have found that while structural or 'mechanical' issues account for a very small percentage of these failures, the vast majority are due to behavioral issues.

To address this, I found a program called the "Beck Diet Solution" developed by Dr. Judith Beck. It's not a diet, but a 6 week program that you step through to learn to 'think thin.' To be honest, it took me much more than the 6 weeks to work through it, but it has been and continues to be an invaluable tool in my arsenal to try to ensure my longterm success.

If you are interested, you can get if from any of the major booksellers or online. It comes as a book and workbook and it's really best to get both.