Barbara C.

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I have been trying to figure out why I have been feeling so lost lately as it concerns my ability to effectively manage my eating habits. Don't get me wrong, actually, my weight is doing very well. But to be honest, that is in spite of my eating habits, not because of them. At any rate, to say that I've been uneasy, alarmed, or even scared is truly an understatement.

Today, I attended a 'virtual' support group and in this group we were sharing concerns and challenges, so I shared my concern that though I'm actually at my surgeon's 'goal' and below my own (by about 12 to 15 lbs.) that I'm very concerned that my eating and supplement habits are in the tank and the foundation for disaster ...i.e., weight gain ... is being firmly laid.

While in the group, I was asked what would 'success' look like. After mulling it over, I said "success would be my being able to successfully control my weight within whatever defined threshold I set."

Next, I was asked what my current impediments to that were and after some thought, I said, that I thought one of the reasons I was so successful with the weight loss portion of this journey was that I had a 'focused plan' and followed it to the best of my ability. Since I've reached goal, I have been floundering without a specific plan.

Then, I was asked what would I do to redirect my course. I said that I just realized that I need a focused plan for the long term. I guess like so many of us, I viewed the weight loss process as the 'last diet' and that I'd be able to 'get on with it' after I lost the weight. What I have come to realize, is that I need a focused plan for the rest of my life. Without it, I flounder and could easily find myself in very dangerous territory.

I now am re-examining what I want and how I want to get there. As I do that I will put a plan into place to help me... My mistake was thinking that getting to goal was the journey. I have now realized that remaining at goal will be my lifelong journey.

As some of you are aware, I suffer from major clinical depression and have for many years. It is severe enough that I must take a pharmacy full of meds and I'm still not 'okay. At any rate, I've been under a great deal of stress lately and when that happens my depression and anxiety worsen. I have posted about some stressors, but there are is a great deal going on under the surface that I don't discuss and to say that I'm stressed is a MAJOR understatement. Unfortunately, I have found that despite my efforts to maintain my equilibrium, I'm failing. I'm find myself in very dangerous waters. I'm not eating well... instead, I'm finding myself comfort eating. I'm consuming way too many simple carbs and not nearly enough of the good stuff I should be consuming. I'm also having trouble remembering to take my supplements ... and my anti-depressants.

Right now, I'm struggling to do the basic things I need to do to take care of me... Taking my my meds and vitamins. Preparing nutritious meals. Getting exercise.

My weight is holding steady... but, I know that I'm not taking care of myself. I worry about the longer term implications of my behavior. I'm working on it. I'm trying hard. But, I'm not being nearly as successful as I would like.

When things are going okay, I seem to do well. When I'm struggling some, I can keep my head above water, but now that I'm really taking on water and tanking, so is my nutrition. I find this really frightening.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to do this. I think maybe I wasn't really convinced I wouldn't ever need them again ... a part of me still wonders, I've boomeranged before... but the optimistic part of me has decided to take the plunge, I mean if I can have my wedding rings resized, I guess I can purge my closets.

I have to say that it's been a bit like saying goodbye to some old friends. There are some things that I really love!!! Like my Lime Green Leather Blazer, several fabulous suits, a beautiful formal outfit I wore to a wedding, a gorgeous dress I wore for an anniversary event ....on and on. I'm giving some of those special things to some friends that I know will enjoy them. I'm giving some of suits to an organization that helps people who are trying to re-enter the workforce, I'm donating some to other charities, I've set some aside to give away at WLS swaps, and finally I'm selling some. You wouldn't believe how many clothes I have. I could open a modest boutique!

I picked up one pair of slack and held them up. I can fit all of me into one leg. OMGoodness. That's incredible! Incredible that I was that big and incredible that I'm now 'that' small. I will try to get a photo of me with some of my before clothes for posterity.

I was going to meet someone that I had never met before and she asked me to describe myself. I was a little 'stumped' because I was searching for terms that match up to what I look like and what was coming to mind wasn't matching... I used to describe myself as a 'heavyset woman with short auburn hair,' but that obviously doesn't describe me anymore. Then I thought okay, no I'm really an 'average sized woman with short auburn hair,' but then I realized that while I might be on the smaller side of 'normal' sized, I'm not anywhere near the 'average' size 12/14. So then I thought well, I don't see myself as thin, slender or petite, so how do I describe myself? I posed this to my friend and she said you ARE thin... even skinny. I was surprised. I showed he my chest and said, no I don't think I'm thin ... I don't have my ribs showing through my chest. I have tummy rolls. I'm not fat, but I don't see myself as thin either.

I have almost all of my old clothes ... with the exception of some things I have given to friends. I was an incredible clothes horse. I know that a lot of large women have trouble finding anything to wear, but that was not a problem for me. While I might have lusted after some things that weren't made in my size, I had more clothes in my closet that some small boutiques have in their inventory. Many of the things had were things I truly loved... My Lime Green Leather Blazer, some beautiful suits, lovely blouses, funky slacks and skirts... All much too big now... They couldn't be saved by even the best seamstress.

At any rate, I kept moving the stuff out of my closet into my basement closet and I have finally started purging the old and to be honest, often lovely clothes. Some I have given to worthy causes, some consigned, some sold, some just given away.

As I give these things away, I realize that I'm letting go of who I was and welcoming the person that I am becoming. The new me is still a little tentative, but I am slowly learning to do the things I need to do to take better care of myself. That means doing some things that are sometimes uncomfortable, but will ultimately make me healthier and happier. This is flowing into other areas of my life; not 'just' my weight. I'm looking forward to becoming more comfortable with the new person that I am beginning to see and not feel that I need to hold on to who I was, because who I was hurt me.