My beautiful grandmother held physical beauty in high regard. I wanted so much to be accepted by her, for her to see me as beauiful and worthy; And to be honest, in later years, as we both matured, I was.

My husband and I are now the keepers of the family memorabilia and I was sorting through some of it recently. I didn't realize it as a child or even a young adult, but apparently, my grandmother kept nearly every note and letter that was ever sent to her. I got to see myself through the notes I wrote to her and I have to say that I found it a bit painful. There were lots and lots of letters and cards over the years and in almost every one, well over 90 percent, I mention my weight; trying to lose, the dress doesn't fit yet, have lost 20 lbs., hoping to be my sister's size by summer, approaching a normal size, lost 30 lbs.... and so on. It was painful to see how incredibly focused I was on my weight. She would be so happy for me now and I am too, but maybe for different reasons.