Important Post To Me....

Feb 03, 2010

"I've been a nerd my whole life. Not just a nerd, but a cross eyed, obese, nerd. I made due. When I eloped out here to leave my childhood behind... I honestly thought my marriage and the way my husband built me up was great....

I had spent all those years pleasing people with perfect academics or being funny... or  just allowing myself to be the bud of jokes... that's what fat girl do, right? At least ones that aren't wallflowers and TRY to fit in... I thought I did.

I thought hearing, "you're beautiful" and "I love you" and "No one will love you like I do.." and "your body is perfect" from a man for 7 years had turned me into a confident girl... I thought I was okay. I spent 1000s in a year at Torrid... I did BBW webcam...I really, really, really thought I was happy. HOnestly, I did. Happy lil fat girl.

All the way up til getting the surgery... I thought I was doing it mostly for the PCOS... not for confidence... not for a lifestyle change... For health. My husband stated that over and over, "You're not doing this for vanity, you're doing this to be healthy..."

But wow.

Me personally? With my job in adult... I spend a lot of time thinking all men are pigs... and because I eloped so young and never dated...all I ever knew was my hubby.. so I thought it was perfectly normal for a man to tell you how beautiful you are one moment... but then tell you, "No one would put up with you like I do.." the next minute... I THOUGHT it was normal...

But it's not.
It's just not.
As lil fat girls (and boys) we put ourselves in situations where we settle. We think things are good because in our mind they're as good as they'll get... or better than the alternative..

but this last week for me... I've FELT a confidence that was NEVER there... Sure, I run a big ass business... I have friends... but me as a person was not as developed as I thought..

I sat down for a dinner date this weekend... and I had difficulty looking the man in the eye and making eye contact...Me. Yes. I'm like lil miss ray of fucking sunshine, hyper all the time, Type A... and I couldn't carry on a conversation... the confidence wasn't there... I'd spent all this time being isolated in a relationship that never let me grow as a well rounded, confident person..

I had to keep apologizing, "I know I'm 25, and I know I'm much more hyper in text and when we're working together, but for some reason I feel like a school girl right now.."

So I just wanted to post as sort of a "hey it'll change" or "wait til you have your moment" sorta thing... I think a lot of us were just "getting by" being fat.

There's a whole other world out there.. where people WILL treat you differently.. and you WILL feel better about yourself. And people won't blow smoke up your ass because you're the fat girl and easily manipulated...

It will be hard. I'm learning right now how to interact with people... and I'm FUCKING 25. I should've learned this, oh, I don't know? 5-10 years ago? But no. No. it just wasn't there...

This entire weekend has been the best mind fuck EVER for me... I'm not ready for a new relationship or to date or to have a fuckbuddy...

but I am ready to realize that I love myself... and God, for all those years, I was never anywhere NEAR that...

k. my rambling is done.. but I'm sure this will touch home with a few."

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