Labor Day 2010

Sep 06, 2010

This weekend did not go as well as I had planned.  It wasn't horrible, just blah.  I ate and I ate and I ate (you know within the limits of the pouch) and I feel like I pigged out like nothing before.  I've been stressed and hormonal and extremely lonely.  Today was the first time I haven't been to the gym in over a month.  There was no childcare so I didn't go.  I could have mowe the lawn, but instead I paid someone to do it.  What a rip off as well. I should have kept the guy from last year he did just as well and charged $20 less.  Oh well, live and learn.  I tried a new recipe the otherday for lasagna.  It didn't go well.  I used lowfat mozerella mixed with low fat riccotta, fresh spinach, whole grain noodles, and a sugar free sauce.  Well after only a few bites it felt heavy in the chest.  I'm not sure my lactose intolerance is gone either.  So I've been dumping ever since.  I think my biggest problem is that I let myself run out of my favorite protein drink.  The GNC chocolate flavored is what I normally do for breakfast.  Well I was out so I tried regular food and I just didn't stop.  It was a ittle bit here and a little bit there.  Then I tried using the GNC strawberry (its good if you like strawberry milk) and I mixed it with ice, a banana, and fat free milk.  Bad Idea!  It tasted great, but way to heavy for me.  Tomorrow I will be back on track.  Back to the gym, babysitters, and protein shakes.  Oh I did broil lobster tails this weekend as well...YUMMY!!!  I ate too much of the lobester as well.  At least 4oz in one sitting. 

So what brought this on?  I have some theories that are not great.  I found out this week that my now ex-husband as of 3 weeks ago had a nother child durring our marriage.  This shouldn't upset me at all really because we were seperated for 5yrs and I also had my son that is now 2.5yrs old.  The kid is in states custody and waiting to be adopted, they just need to try and find my ex before they terminate his rights.  Well, I just keep thinking of if I had known beofre hand I could have done something to help the baby.  As his wife I could have taken custody instead of it being put into state's custody.  I don't know the family the child is being placed with and from my experience adoption can be great or horrible but rarely anything in between.  My mom, 2 aunts, and cousin were all adopted and I've seen how it affects everyone involved.  My ex would have been a horrible father and if the kid is in state's custody then the mother couldn't have been that great anyways.  I would have liked the opportunity to share information with the family wanting to adopt the baby.  Tell them that not everything was always horrible about my ex.  He was good before he started using drugs.  He could be very sweet and caring.  Theat there are good family members out there that would have loved the baby had they known.  Nobody knew about it.  I'm not even sure if it is a boy or a girl, they couldn't give me the details.  I pray that the baby is in good hands.

This also gets me thinking about my own son.  I'm a single mom and I am trying to raise my son to be a good man.  There are rules and chores, but love and care as well.  Tonight I'm sure I'm not his favorite person because I made him go to bed for throwing a tantrum.  He's a good boy and I adore him.  I love him more than I love myself.  He's the reason I had surgery, went back to school, go to a job that I hate, he's the reason I keep going forward.  His dad is just as bad as my ex.  His dad doesn't drink or use drugs, he's just an idiot that is irresponsible.  He calls to check in maybe once every 6 months to a year.  Just enough to bother me and make my son miss him and want his daddy.  I wonder how I could have screwed this up as bad as I did.  I just want to be the best mom possible.

This weekend was an emotional rollercoaster.  Tomorrow will be better.

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