• Mark 9:23 (NASB) 23 And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
• Philippians 4:13 (KJV) 13 I can do all things through Christ (the anointed one and his anointing) which strengtheneth me.
• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (AMP) 19 Do you not know that your body is the temple (the very sanctuary) of the Holy Spirit Who lives within you, Whom you have received [as a Gift] from God? You are not your own, 20 You were bought with a price [purchased with a preciousness and paid for, made His own]. So then, honor God and bring glory to Him in your body.
• 1 Corinthians 9:27 (AMP) 27 But [like a boxer] I buffet my body [handle it roughly, discipline it by hardships] and subdue it, for fear that after proclaiming to others the Gospel and things pertaining to it, I myself should become unfit [not stand the test, be unapproved and rejected as a counterfeit].
• 1 Corinthians 6:12 (NASB) 12 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.
• 2 Corinthians 3:17 (NASB) 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.
• Romans 12:1-2 (AMP) 1 I APPEAL to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship. 2 Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
• James 1:4 (NASB) 4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
• Philippians 3:18-19 (NIV) 18 For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
• 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NASB) 31 Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
• Romans 8:31-32 (NASB) 31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?
  32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?
• Mark 12:29-30 (KJV) 29 And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: 30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
• Romans 8:37 (NASB) 37 But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us

When I was in college (the first time), my friends and I often went to Kid's Castle to play... blowing of steam and stress from a long day of classes.  I was fairly large, but still was able to enjoy the equipment on the “5-years-old and up” side (we figured college students qualified under the “and up” part).   Oftentimes there was a lot of squeezing through holes that were tight for me, but I got through them.  I continued to “play” there after classes until I left MTSU.

When we adopted our oldest daughter, we took her to Kid’s Castle. Now, by the time she came along, I'd gotten REALLY BIG and couldn't go into the equipment with her, on either side.  She was so tiny that she could get through the holes on the 2-5 years-old side… and got a huge kick out of going someplace Mom couldn’t get into.

I had just chased her into an opening that I couldn’t even begin to go through when she got her necklace caught between two boards and couldn't get out.  Mike and I were too fat to go in and get her.  I finally found an odd hole that if I went down into one opening and stretched my arms, I could get her loose. 

And then?  I got her loose, but I got stuck.  It was humiliating.  I had to wait until several college boys showed up and helped haul my carcass up out of there.  We haven't been back.  

This past Saturday was the first time I've been back since then, and I'm thinner than I ever was...

I faced my demons and went through the holes my daughter went through.  I even went down the “Elephant’s Trunk” slide that I’d NEVER been able to go down.  I got on the swings and the chains not only did not cut into my thighs, they didn’t even touch.  AND I got on the tire swing with my friend… two of us on a swing that I couldn’t get on alone before.

I can hardly wait to go play again. 

The list below includes some (but not all) of the things I can do now that I couldn’t do before surgery. 

Post surgery, I can:

• Put on my own socks and shoes.
• Tie my shoes without getting out of breath
• Breath normally
• Sleep without a CPAP
• Live without daily prescription meds
• Sit in a booth comfortable with room left over
• Wear a belt with my pants (both for fashion AND because I need it!)
• Shop at NON specialty clothing stores
• Park at the back of a lot, walk all the way to the store, and not even think about it.
• Use a normal bathroom stall instead of the big handicapped one
• Cross my legs.  Either side
• Sit in my bathtub comfortably with room left over
• Have confidence that I do not have an odor because I can do my own personal hygiene care
• Roll over in bed twice and still not bump into Mike
• Make love with Mike in more than one position
• Scratch my own back
• Hook my own bra
• Zip my own dress in back
• Wear high heels and not feel like I’m dying
• Sit in a chair with arms
• Sit in any chair and not have to check and see if it will hold me
• Shave my own legs
• Exercise… and even enjoy it sometimes
• Jog
• Bike
• Fit into narrow places
• Wear my DAUGHTER’S clothes
• Use my lap as a desk
• Sing without getting out of breath
• Play my clarinet without getting out of breath
• Dance again
• Perform on stage again
• Walk from a classroom on one side of MTSU’s campus to one on the OTHER side in the 15 minutes allotted between classes and not be out of breath and still be on time.
• Sit in a college desk comfortably
• Take stair instead of elevators and not even think about it.
• Live without constant pain
• Go caving
• Ride any ride at an amusement park
• Do my own grocery shopping
• Wear knee boots and zip them!
• Put my feet together
• Sit Indian style
• Get up off the floor by myself
• Walk by people and not wonder if they are grossed out by the sweaty fat woman
• Wear regular pantyhose from any store.
• Weigh on any scale and not worry that I’ll break it.
• Sit on a doctor’s table and not hang off both sides
• Wear a seat belt
• Drive a car WITHOUT tipping the steering wheel up and putting the seat all the way back.
• Change my clothes in the car and not expose myself to the world
• Exchange seats with Mike in the car WITHOUT getting out!
• Drive a SMALL car
• Hold a bottle of water between my legs while driving
• Be mistaken as my 22-year-old daughter’s sister (It happens a LOT!)
• Wear red without looking like the barn side of a broad!
• Audition for younger roles
• Clean an entire room in my house without taking a break
• Hop, skip, jump, stand on one leg
• Keep my balance and not fall so much
• Not only climb up into playground equipment, but also not worry about getting stuck
• Get down and play with children on the floor
• Play on the playground with my kids... slides, swings, junglegym, etc. and not get stuck or break the equipment.
• Hold a child on my lap because I have one now
• Sit in a movie theatre chair
• Go to the doctor and not get the word OBESE written across the exam sheet
• I can, I can, I can!!!!

I've been back on the 400-600 calorie diet and I've been loosing.  Yes, that tickles me.  But here's what's got me giggling... I use Fitday.com to keep up with my food and so that the nutritionist at CMC can keep an eye on my diet and make sure I'm being healthy.  Anyway, when I put today's weight in, the little status report about where I am in my goal caught me eye.  It says (you gotta read to the end of the stat report to see why I'm tickled):  

Almost there!

Today for the very first time ever in my life, I had someone tell me that I didn't need to loose another pound!  

One of our elderly men at church (he's 76) came up to me and said, "Ms. Cethy  I-I-I-I don't mean to sound offensive, no I don't, but I feel like I need to tell you somethin'.  Honey, you don't need to loose one more pound.  Yer little face is startin' to look gaunt."

Little face!  Love it!

He was relieved  when I told him that I only had 4 lbs to go.  

But WOW!  NO ONE has EVER told me that before!  I'm Gaunt! 

Since last I wrote, I have done some serious work.

On October 11^th, after I wrote the last post.  I started making phone calls.  I talked to Kathy H at the center.  I talked to Dr. H’s nurse.  I talked to Dr. H’s receptionist.  I talked to Dr. H.  I talked to the nutritionist.

I’ll admit that the first 3 calls involved a lot of wining and tears on my part.  These 3 wonderful people calmed my fears, gave an understanding ear, and then told me to talk to Dr. H.

So, I did.  Dr. H listened to what I had to say and then told me to “get a grip!”

Get a grip?  What the…

He was very happy with my weight where it was.   In fact, he was happy a long time ago.  Every pound I’ve lost since then was just extra excitement.   Basically, he wanted to know if I was tired of maintenance.  

The next part of the conversation went a little something like this:

CATHY:   I’m not in maintenance.

DR. H:  Yes you are.

CATHY:  No, really, I’m not.

DR. H: Face it Cathy, you’re in maintenance, whether you meant to be or not.  You’ve been at this weight for several months. You’re not gaining, not loosing…. Maintenance

CATHY:  But I’m not supposed to be!

DR. H:  Well, you are.

CATHY:  But I’m not SUPPOSED to be!!

DR.  H: You are.

CATHY: BUT…

DR. H:  Cathy!  GET a GRIP!  YOU… ARE… IN… MAINTENANCE!!!

You get the idea.  Imagine, me arguing with Dr. H.  I couldn’t win.  I’m glad I didn’t.  While I thought (when I thought about it at all) I was being "good" and "compliant," eating only "legal" food, he made me see that I had allowed myself into maintenance without meaning to because I got careless/lazy.  Portion sizes increased.  Too many calories.  

When he stopped fussing, he asked me did I REALLY want to get the last 19lbs off by my 3^rd Surgiversary.  I very adamantly said I did, so we made a plan.

He put me back on the 400-600 calorie diet.  I’ve committed to it until December 20^th, which is my 3-year check-up as well as my 3^rd Surgiversary.   I started October 12^th.  I speak with Pam, our Nutritionist, on a regular basis to make sure I’m eating enough of the right things to stay healthy.   I went back to a seminar so that I could “look back at the beginning of the line.”  I’m in a good place now.   I really needed that smack in the head... or maybe that should be SMACKS. Plural. Multiple.  Janice started it, Dr. H finished it.

This morning (November 1^st) I weighed 187!  I only have 7 more pounds until I reach my surgical goal weight.  I AM going to make it by the 20^th.  If I work hard, I might even drop a little below 180 for some wiggle room.  Whatever, on December 20^th I’m OFFICIALLY going on maintenance… and whatever I weigh then is what I’ll weigh for the rest of my life.

I decided I wanted weigh 180lbs badly enough that I did something about it.  I’ve lost 12 lbs since Oct 12^th.  I can do this; I can!

The journey continues. 

I am approaching the end of my journey.  It has been a long 3 years.  Very long. 

  
I am tired and cranky from the struggle to travel this far.  Childish cries of “are we there yet” ring through my head.  I’ve been on the road  so long that I find that I can no longer truly remember the beginning or the stops along the way. 

A new WLS friend of mine responded to my cries of discouragement by sharing a story about her brother.

 
Brother went to apply for a job.  When he got to the job site, there was a long line and he just got in the line along with everyone else.  He didn't think about all the other people who were in the line; he was just confident that he would be one of the ones picked for the position. 

While waiting in the line after about 30 minutes, he had gotten to roughly the middle of the line.  The fellow behind him had gotten frustrated and was about to leave.  Brother stopped him and said, "Man, wait a minute, look back behind you and just check out how far back we were 30 minutes ago.  You have waited in the line this long, so why you going to leave now?" 

When the fellow looked back, he realized that the line behind him was very, very long and, much to his amazement, he had actually come a far way in the line already.  Then Brother told him, “Look to the front of the line.”  The fellow did.

When the fellow looked to the front of the line, he realized that they really did not have that far to go.  But he was so busy thinking of how long it had taken him to get where he was and thinking about how far he had to go in the line, that he never stopped to look back and see how far he had come. 

“I don't know what has happened along your journey to discourage you, but don't let it.  You have made it to the front of the line and there is not much journey left.  Don't sweat the small stuff honey, in fact, don't even sweat the big stuff.  You have come too darned far to get discouraged on your last bit of journey.”

Man, Janice is SO right!  I’ve been focused so long and hard about where I am in my journey that I failed to see how close I was to the end, and I’ve failed to look back and see how far I’ve come.

I’ve been discouraged when other WLS friends catch up with me, pass me, reach the end of the journey before me.  I’ve worried that I’ll let people down if I don’t make the intended end of my journey or that I’ll find the end of my journey leaves me in a place I did not mean to go.

  
Instead, I think I need to heed Janice’s advice.  Stop fretting about where I am and how long it’s taken me to get there… or how many people got to the goal before me.  Instead, I should smile and be thrilled that the journey is almost over.  And be PROUD that I stuck the journey out as long as I have and that I’ve come as far as I have.

  
This is MY journey.  I cannot compare myself to others.  Only I know the exact road I’ve traveled.   Yes, I have many wonderful traveling companions along the way, and for that I am grateful.  However, if they travel the road differently, it does not mean that I have failed.

THE CHANGE 
(or BUTTERFLY WINGS) 
by Cathy Spencer

Imagine if you will
A chubby little caterpillar 
Sitting on a twig 
Searching out his next meal 
Leaves! Oh Yum!

Spend the day eating 
One delectable leafy delight 
And another… and another 
And a hundred more
Food is his focus 
How happy to sit and eat 
Plodding along 
Day in and day out

Suddenly a change 
Deep inside 
Something is wrong! 
No choice, must hide 
He must wrap, envelope 
Himself into 
A protective covering 
Into the cocoon he goes

Spinning! Toiling! Agony! 
Circumstances for a new work 
The hardest thing he has done 
Making changes to his body 
Giving up his yummy leaves 
The change hurts! 
It’s hard! 
Why can’t he go on 
Eating his leaves? 
Lying around 
On his twigs?

But suddenly he realizes 
Not just a protective covering 
But a sheltered state of GROWTH! 
The battle gets easier 
The changes have come
It’s finally time 
To emerge 
Not from cocoon—from CHRYSALIS!

Finally the initial fight 
Is over 
He is reborn! 
Emerging, Reaching 
Out he comes 
Into the light, the warmth 
He is reborn!

A Beautiful Butterfly 
Has emerged 
To fly into the world 
Daintily he goes 
To new and wonderful places 
Attempting new tasks 
Things impossible to him before 
The journey was hard 
The change difficult 
But the fight was well worth it 
He is a BUTTERFLY!
…He has the wings to prove it. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Ladies and Gents, not bat wings, not wrinkles, not saggy arms.  Spread those Butterfly wings and Fly!

I thought I’d share this wild experience.  It was a bad one too.  I share so you may avoid something like this happening to you.

 
At almost 3 years out, one would think that I was past making stupid food mistakes. Alas, I’ve learned that I am not!

 
Last Friday, my coworkers and I were celebrating an office birthday.  They even bought a small sugar free cake and some sugar free fudgesicles because they felt bad that I never get to eat with them (although I’ve assured them over and over and over that I really don’t mind).

 
Well, I know that sugar free goodies are not our friends.  They don’t have sugar, but they DO have tons of carbs and tons of calories.  They slow down or stop weight loss.  I know better than to eat them.

 
Well, Friday I decided, “What the heck?”  I read the label on the cake to see what the calories for a serving was, and then cut the serving in half.  I decided to make the calories up somewhere… and watch the carbs in my other food for the rest of the week.  Still not a good thing for my diet, but if it was only for ONE TIME….?   So I did.

 
Now, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I not only had the half-serving of cake I also had…well… TWO SF Fudgesicles.  Way too many calories.  Way too many carbs.  BIG MISTAKE for the diet.

 
However, that’s not the TRUE point of this post.

 
About 40 minutes later, I was slammed by a wave of fatigue.  The next moment I was seized by the most terrible cramps I can ever remember having.  My heart was racing.  I was sweating.  All I could do was lay down.  I remember lying down on the couch and begging, “Please, just let me DIE!”

 
30 minutes or so later I was able to get back up and sort of go back to work.   What the heck happened?   I KNEW that if it had been regular cake and ice cream that, it would’ve been dumping.   But you can’t dump on SF stuff, right?  Right?  RIGHT?

 
Wrong!  For those of us who are extremely carb sensitive, evidently you CAN!  I called Pam H at the Center and told her what happened.  She’d never heard of dumping on SF stuff, but theorized that the HUGE number of carbs, eaten all at once, had caused me to dump (She said most likely if I’d only had one or the other, I might’ve been okay. Together it was just too much)   Who’d a thunk it?

Basically, my opion is that if you've eaten something loaded with carbs that you weren't supposed to and the after effect looks like dumping, acts like dumping, and feels like dumping, then it must be dumping.

 
SO, what’s my lesson learned? 

• SF goodies are NOT a friend (okay Dr H, you were right… as ususal).  
• I learned that I am EXTREMELY carb sensitive (and that’s a good thing!)
• I’ve learned that the 10 minutes of “enjoyment” of cake and ice cream are NOT worth the pain…. Or the guilt… or the knowledge that I won’t lose anything this week.
• I know that Dumping HURTS and that I will NEVER, EVER, EVER eat real sugar ever again.
• I know I feel like and IDIOT!  (This was even worse than swallowing that peanut last year!)

So my friends, that’s my story.   I hope it gives you guys something to think about when you are considering having a brownie or a piece of cake… even SF.

 
See?  I told you guys I wasn’t perfect!

My most difficult time fighting food is from 7 a.m.-Noon Monday through Friday.  That’s the first 5 hours that I'm at work.

I sit in front of a computer all day. I get bored. I want to eat. 

Now, if I don’t watch my legal food supply in the staff refrigerator, my only option is the vending machine (no, no, no!) or going nuts on my co-workers (this second option is fun for me, but my co-workers don’t enjoy it).  But even when I have plenty of legal food, I still struggle, because you can still eat too much and gain weight on legal food.

So what have I done?
 
I downloaded a picture of Dr. Houston (aka Dr. Mc Dreamy) from the Centennial Medical Center website and made him the wallpaper on my computer. There are about 25 little Dr. Houstons staring at me all day long.
 
I haven't had a problem fighting food in two weeks.

Okay, two pieces of news!

First Bit: I finally moved the scales again (and no, not from one room to another) and dropped two more pounds!  I'm down to 196!  I've lost a total of 224 pounds!

SEcond bit: And the best part?  That dropped my BMI!   The doctor's office says my BMI is 29.7 and that makes me mearly OVERWEIGHT!!!

I can't believe it!  I"ve been obese since I was 12 years old!!!  I can't believe that I am merely overweight and that I am THRILLED to be overweight.

16 pounds to go until my surgical goal weight!

 For the last several months, I’ve had to relearn something about myself.  For 14 years, I’ve been an actress.  I discovered performing on the theatrical stage in 1993 and immediately fell in love.  For several years, I struggled with the longing to play the ingénue… the most common lead roles.  I did a lot of ensemble work, but finally, finally, I began to find myself… as a comedic actress.  I got plenty of leading roles, but always as mothers, nuns, old women, and other roles that bigger actress are “acceptable” for.  At first this chaffed me, but I began to find the joy and excitement in these roles.  I soon excelled at these roles, and became much sought after for my ability to pull off these roles.

Last year though, I was cast in a role I never would have gotten cast in before WLS.  The Baker’s Wife in “Into the Woods” is a physically demanding role that would have been impossible for me to do 2 years ago.  Though I loved every minute on stage I was in this role, I was left with a vague unsettled feeling.  I was out of the known, and rapidly trotting down the road to the unknown.

About 6 weeks ago, I auditioned for "Smoke on the Mountain."  It's a show I've done a couple times before.  Nine years ago, I played Vera, the mother who is in her mid-40s.  No on every questioned if I was old enough to play her.  This time... 9 years LATER, I got cast as June, the daughter!!!  The director told me, and I quote, "You look too young and pretty to play Vera." I was totally blown away.  I NOW look "too young and pretty" to play a role that I played a DECADE ago.   After the initial shock wore off, I realized that once again I had from habit only seen myself as I was before WLS.  

Until March 24^th, I would often look in the mirror and see me at 420lbs.  I would look down and see 400lbs.  However, if I caught a glimpse of myself in a window, I would longingly wish to be as thin as that woman, only to be shocked to realize it was my own reflection.   On March 24^th, that changed.  I put on a fat suit at the Face2Face meeting of the online support group.  The thing only weighs 10 lbs, but it’s BULKY.  The bulk of the thing alone was enough to make my back arch, my feet spread, and almost impossible to sit down and stand up.  It was a wake-up call.  I’ve begun to see myself as I physically am, and it’s neat.

Last week at rehearsal for “Smoke,” my world was rocked again.   I walked down the hall of the theatre and spotted a display of pictures from “My Fair Lady,” the last show I did at this particular theatre.  I did that show about 9 months out from surgery.  I had lost around 160 lbs at that time and was feeling pretty thing, for me.   There on the wall was a picture of me.  I was stunned.

I’ve lost another 60 lbs since then and am 3 sizes smaller.  I was shocked to see how big I still was then.  It drove home, again, that I am quite small now.  It’s rocking my world, and I’m not quite sure what to do with myself theatrically.

I’ve auditioned for several shows the past couple months, and haven’t been getting cast.  I finally realized this weekend what the problem is.  No, I haven’t suddenly lost my talent.  I have been auditioning for shows and roles I am no longer appropriate for.  I’m still auditioning with a Plus-size mindset.  This is going to have to change.  I was lucky this time that there was a role in “Smoke” that I am appropriate for.  I am going to have to relearn who I am theatrically and adjust my auditioning accordingly.  Not only the types of shows and roles, but I am going to have to find a whole new set of audition material, as the monologues and songs that have served me so faithfully and for so long are no longer really appropriate for me.

Last night I auditioned for another show.  There are two female roles.  The old housekeeper and the younger love interest.   Yes, I went in thinking I was going to audition for the old housekeeper; the directior had other ideas.  He read me for the love interest repeatedly.  My husband tells me that after I left to go to rehearsal, the director and his assistant watched me go out, turn to each other with raised eyebrows, then smile and nod at each other.  Wow.

I am constantly surprised and amazed at the variety of things that WLS has touched in my life.  I don’t know why I continue to be surprised… WLS has changed my entire life.  I have to learn to expect that being healthier and thinner is going to touch and change everything.   I do hope, however, that I never lose the sense of awe and amazement. 

Tuesday March 2th I went to the doctor because I am showing all the early warning signs of mild hearing loss.  Mike and I studied back on the last year or so and realized this has been going on for a while.   I figured that I had an ear infection, or maybe was "growing 'taters" in my ears or something (cuz you can only get so far with q-tips).  You know, something easily fixed.

 Nothing doing.  My ears were "squeaky clean," and my eardrums were nice and pink, not swollen, etc.   The doctor decided that she needed to refer me to a specialist to be tested for Menier's Disease.   She was rather vague when I asked her what it was, so I went home and looked it up on line.  What I read scared me.  The possibility of further hearing loss freaked me out. 

 As many of you know, I am a musican/actress and my second job is the Minister of Music and Worship at a church in Nashville.  The ability to hear, obviously, is of major importance to be able to perform these jobs.  Understandably, I was upset and freaked!

 My FIRST thought was, "I NEED CHIPS!"  But thankfully, the next thought right behind it was, "No you don't need chips, you're just upset."   Last year when my daughter disappeared,  I learned the lesson that strong emotional blows make me want to eat.  I struggled with that all week, but I'm doing better now.

 You know, this surgery has made my life a whole lot better, but I'm learning that it doesn't "cure" everything over night.  Obviously, this is going to be a life-long battle.

 So thanks again for all your concern, support, prayers, e-mails and calls.  Please remember me on Wednesday April 11th as I see the specialist.  Please pray that no matter what I learn that day, I'll choose to accept it, move on, and STAY AWAY FROM JUNK!

Hey pretty lady

I see you standing there

Where have you been

All these years of life

Do I know you pretty lady?

I think I’ve seen you

Once in a while

In between hiding and crying

Between laughing and loving

Between adoring and loathing

The person I was

Or the person I perceived

Hey pretty lady

I’m glad you’re here

I think I’d like

For you to stay

You help me to see

Reflected, projected

Who I am

In March 2004 I was given a death sentence.  My doctor informed me that due to my Super Morbid Obesity, I was going to die.  Soon.  She very bluntly said that it could happen while I was sitting in her office right then, the next day, or a year from then—but definitely with in two years.  I was only 34-years old.  

The shock was overwhelming and mind-numbing as I tried to process what she was saying.  She attempted another approach to make it even more firm.  She theorized that I would probably make it to 35, but so sick that I would hardly enjoy it.  She believed I’d be “darn lucky” to make my 36^th birthday, and that I would DEFINITELY be dead by my 37^th Birthday.

This was my wake-up call, smack in the face, come-to-Jesus meeting, reality check.  I had to do something… and do it immediately.  So I did.  I had the Roux-en-Y GBP Surgery on December 20, 2004.

Now, 25 months out I am healthy.  I’ve lost 216lbs and 14 clothing sizes.  All my obesity related conditions have resolved.  I’m thrilled to be alive and enjoying life.  I still deal with some self-image issues, but overall my life is better than it’s ever been.

January 30^th, 2007 is my 37^th birthday.  The one I was supposed to be dead by.  I’m not dead.  I’m alive and well… and living life to the fullest. Thanks to God, CMC, Dr. Houston and his staff, I will live for years to come.

DEATH SENTENCE REVOKED!  I’ve been pardoned and am humbly moving forward, totally embracing my second chance at life.

Today I am confused.  

My shirt tag says medium. 

My pants tag says 12. 

Why do I look fat to me?

The same eyes that see

Such tiny sizes on tags

Look into the mirror and

See the woman from two years past

Then the very same eyes

Will glimpse in a window

A woman whose size makes me wish

That I could be as lovely

Only to discover that she is me!

Perceptions abound, confuse, and deceive

As silly as this makes me feel, I decided to share it with you guys so that you know even the “Old Buddies” make mistakes from time to time.

10/19/06--Last Friday, I was eating a serving of peanuts for a quick protein fix. (For you new buddies, be advised that they’ve taken peanut butter and peanuts off the menu.)  Anyway, I somehow managed to swallow one VERY LARGE peanut whole!!!  Oh, did it hurt! 

I was really, really embarrassed, but I finally broke down and called Dr. H to see what I needed to do to make it pass.

I am 22 months out.  I’ve never swallowed anything whole like that and got it stuck.  There’s a first time for everything!   I just wanted you to know that everyone is human and fallible.  We all make mistakes after this surgery.  Don’t let your mistakes get you down and make you give up.

The old one was so much easier (for me) to use.  I hope I get used to it!

(EDIT:  It's April of '07 now and I'm uses to the new page... and I LIKE it!  Anyway, if you've made it this far back into my archeives, wow, I'm impressed!  If you want to continue reading about  my journey, and started with my newest entry, just keep going.  If you've come back here because you wanted to read everything in order, scroll to the BOTTOM of this one.  On the old profile when everything was on one page, I put the most recent news on top.-Cathy)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Starting Stats: (12/20/04) Weight 420, BMI 63
1st Post-op Visit (12/30/04) Weight 386, total lost 34lbs
6 wk ckup (02/02/05) Weight 359, total lost 61lbs, BMI 55, 22%
3 mnth ckup (03/31/05) Weight 325, total lost 95lbs, BMI 50, 35%
6 mnth ckup (06/23/05) Weight 282, total lost 138lbs, BMI 43, 51%
9 mnth ckup (09/22/05) weight 256, total lost 164lbs, BMI 39, 60%
1 yr ckup (12/15/05) Weight 230, total lost 190lbs, BMI 35, 70%
16 mnth ckup(04/14/06) Weight 216, total lost 204lbs, BMI 33, 76%
20 mnth ckup(08/17/06) Weight 208, total lost 212lbs, BMI 31, 78%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10/06/05--Well, good news! It's official... the last of my obesity related conditions have resolved themselves. I had a sleep study done to see about getting my CPAP turned down. Dr. Noah says I'm NORMAL! No more sleep apnea at all! I'm cured of it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

09/09/06--We went on vacation this past week and went swimming. I jumped in the deep end and nearly drowned... I forgot that, duh, without 200 lbs of fat, I'm not going to pop back up to the surface like a cork. I sank like a rock! After that brief moment of panic, I got myself back to the side... and back to the shallow end to reteach myself to swim. I FINALLY remembered how to dog-paddle and to float on my back... and to move across the water like this. It wasn't funny at the time, but it's funny now.

For years all I had to do is just relax and let my fat hold me up. I always found this comfortable, and the one time being fat made anything easy. I'm here to tell you, real swimming is HARD and it wore me out!!!

Now, I'm adding a pic that I never thought would make this page. (see below) This is the first time since Jr. High that I've been brave/stupid enough to let someone take my pic in a bathing suit... out of the water, without hiding behind my family or a t-shirt. The goofy face is covering up nerves, but I finally decided I don't look half bad... and I'm kinda proud that I'm at least this close to looking good in a swimsuit.

On Vation-Labor Day Week


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8/18/06—Mike and I had our 20-month appointment yesterday. Dr. H wasn’t overly pleased with me, but he wasn’t mad either.

I only lost 8 lbs since the last visit. That means for the very first time, I have to change my weight graft at the top of this page to go BACK a pound. Now, I weighed where I normally do right before I left for CMC and it was still 207. I weighed in at 208 at CMC. Evidently, the scales at our local hospital are a pound lower. So, I have to remember to add a pound when I weigh to keep them even with CMC’s

Dr. H cautioned me to watch my calories very, very carefully so I do not go over 800 calories. My body is obviously quite content to sit right where it is if I go over 800. He wants me to lose (at least) 10 lbs between now and our 2-year appointment. That seems reasonable. That averages to 2.5 lbs a month for the next 4 months. I WILL do it.

So, this appointment finds me healthy, smaller still since last time, and 28 lbs from my surgical goal weight. It also finds me with a slight niggling worry in the back of my mind that I’ll gain all my weight back. I’m not going to let it knock me down, but I’m staying enough aware of that little worry to do whatever I need to do to stay healthy.

A gentle “warning” to all of you new buddies who may be reading this: Use your tool to it’s fullest extent your first year… especially those first 6 months that are your “golden window.” I’m hear to tell you that year two was in many ways much, much harder to deal with that year one. Once things slow down in year two, the REAL frustration sets in… SO my advice is to work as hard as possible during the beginning so that when you slow down in year two, you are close to the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

08/01/06--Well, July saw no more weight changes...grr. I still weigh 207 (-213lbs). I'm not going to complain though. I could have gained. On the up side, my skin continues to shrink (Praise God!), although more slowly than I would like. I am completely in size 14 pants... all the 16s are too big. AND-I bought my first size 12 dress... and it fits! Okay, so the skirt is full, but STILL!

I see my new/old PCP on the 7th. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to my WLS. When I first asked her about it 4 years ago (before my insurance changed and I had to get a different PCP) she was reluctant to talk about WLS. Not against it per say, but really, really, really wanted to exhaust all other posiblities first. It's just as well, since all the tests and info I got at that time helped me qualify for the WLS. SO!

I go for my 20 month appointment with Dr. H on August 17th. I had really hoped that I would break 200 by then, but oh well!!! For the distance out from surgery that I am, I don't think he'll fuss that I only lost 9 lbs. AND I still have 16 days to try to get another couple off!

My July Pic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

06/25/06--Okay, I apologize for not updating in over a month, but nothing was changing, so I felt kind of dumb about typing "nothing this week!" But boy, do I have news today!

FINALLY, I AM LESS THAN HALF THE WOMAN I USED TO BE! I weighed Saturday morning and I have now lost 213 lbs! I weigh 207 lbs! It's blowing my mind that I've lost more than I currently weigh!!! For the first time ever, I weigh less than my hubby! AND--I've only got 27 lbs to get to goal!!! In 8 more pounds I'll be in ONEderland finally! I'm so excited! (can you tell? lol)

Here is My June 2006 picture


This is my "half a woman" pic-side view


Life is grand!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05/19/06--Well, haven't lost anything in almost a month now... BUT I have noticed that my 14 pants are fitting much better and I can button the bottom button on the size 14 jackets and IT DOESN'T pooch! I was getting bummed about the numbers not moving, but I remembered what happened to Mike when he really started to hit the weights. I've been jogging pretty regularly for the past several weeks... getting stronger, gaining endurance... I think the muscles are beginning to build themselves... at least it feels that way! So, like with Mike, fat's leaving but muscle's coming-and it weighs more. My skin's not flopping around as bad these days either! I noticed that my tummy skin isn't touching my thighs anymore!!! YEAH!!! Maybe I'll be able to avoid PS after all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

04/22/06--Lost another 4 lbs! That brings my total up (down?) to 208lbs lost... almost half what I weighed when I started 16 months ago! I started wearing all size 14 pants this week too. It absolutely blows my mind! I'm so thankful for this surgery... I feel so good! Today Mike and I walked all over an outlet's mall in Lebanon and I never got tired or winded... I didn't even THINK about how much walking we were doing until it was all over. That would NEVER have happened before the surgery! Anyway, I'm glad it's almost time to go into maintenance. I really believe I'm going to make goal by my 2 year anniversary! Life is good.

March 2006 pic


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

04/14/06--I had my 16 month checkup today. As I anticipated, I did not lose any more from Monday. However, I was happy to learn that Dr. H was please with me anyway. He said that 14 lbs from my one year to my 16 month was fine... that I was, at least, still losing, and he reminded me that it really does slow down during the second year. He also reminded me that losing 204 lbs in 16 months is really excellent.

He's right. I am proud to have lost 204 lbs. in 16 months. For all my weakness and mistakes, I have still been blessed with a new lease on life.

I forgot to ask for my current BMI and the percentage of weight lost. I used the weight calculator on the Centennial site to get the ones in my stats column. I'll confirm those next week. But they look about right, based on what they were in December and how much I've lost.

This pic is me and and my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Houston, standing together behind my fat pants!!! (At my 16 month check up)


Thanks to Bryna and Julie for the encouragement. Kudos go out to Kim R. who has lost 36 lbs since her surgery on March 20!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

04/10/06--One more lb gone. 6 lbs short of my goal for my 16 month appointment.... 6 lbs short of literally being half the woman I once was.... but, you know, it's going to be okay. My appointment is not until Thursday. Not that I think I'll suddenly drop 6 lbs in the next 72 hours, but I DID lose 14lbs; I didn't gain anything. I know this final 34 lbs will be tough, but I AM going to get them off.

Why should I beat myself up at this point? I've lost 204 lbs in 15 1/2 months. I am proud of myself. I will steadily work the rest of 2006 and get the last 34 off by my two year anniversary. 240 lbs in 2 years is good. It took me 20 years to gain it, so I can be very proud of getting it off in the time I did.

I will be forever thankful for the Center, Dr. H, the support staff, and all the wonderful friends I've made. Thank you all for your support!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

03/31/06--Well, two more pounds gone...getting closer and closer to the goal! I hope to lose 7 more pounds btwn now and my next appointment on April 13. 2 weeks... I'll come close, but I don't know if I'll make my goal of 20 pounds from my 1-year to my16 month check-up. But I'm only 37 pounds from my surgical goal weight. As long as I make that by my two year aniversary, I'm not gonna beat myself up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



03/17/06--I am so amazed! I weighed again today and have lost another 3 lbs since Monday the 14th! I am now at 219! That's a total of 201 lbs lost, with only 39 to go!!!

I'm telling you folks, be aware of the calories you're taking in. As I described in my entry from the 14th (see below), it's really easy to let your intake creep up after the first year. Even stuff that's allowed can make you stop losing.

Work hard to stay within the recommended calorie level. It really pays off.

Thanks Dr. Houston!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

03/14/06--Well, finally! I lost 3 more pounds for a grand total of 198lbs lost! Two more pounds to join the Two Century Club! And only 42 lbs to my surgical goal weight!

After talking to my surgeon, I knew I had gone off track somewhere. So, I counted the calories I was taking in very carefully for 4 days and realized I was taking in over 1000 calories a day! One day it was 1300! Wow!

I wasn't eating anything I wasn't allowed, but evidentally, I was eating more of it at each meal. I had stopped measuring and weighing everything because I had gotten to the point where I could "eyeball" it within an ounce. Obviously, over the months, I've been careless and slowly started to add more each day. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I was very carefull to stay within 600-800 calories.

But I am thankfull I finally figured out what I had changed and I feel that I'm now back on track. I WILL make it down to 210 by my 16 month appointment in April. That's only 12 lbs, and if I continue what I've done for the last 3 days, I'll make it! Thank you Dr. H for being so willing to "tell it like it is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

02/09/06--I finally broke my plateau! I lost 3lbs this week! I'm down to 225. 45 to go to goal. 5 pounds until I join the 2 century club, 15 lbs from being exactly half the woman I once was.

Okay, so I'm repeating myself from my last post somewhat. But hey, what can I say? I'm excited. I've been so scared for the past couple of weeks that 70% lose of my excess was all I was going to get. I'm hopeful now that I'll at least break 200, if not get to goal.

I've gotten myself back on track from my early January binge. I've cut the creamer from my coffee... well cut from 6 to 2 per cup. That's a lot of calories I don't need, and I guess it paid off!

Anyhoo--I've put new pics on my picture trail. I'm so proud, this time the difference is REALLY astounding, at least to me. I'm really, really starting to believe I'm going to make it. Wow.

Thanks again to my precious Bryna and Julie for all the hand-holding, butt kicks, and moral support over the past couple of weeks.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

01/19/06--I've lost another pound... finally. I'm down to 228, which is a total of 192 lost. I've got only 8 lbs until I join the two century club... and only 18lbs until I'm exactly half the woman I once was.

It's been tough. I've only lost 2 lbs in the month since my one year appointment. Of course, I'm very thankful that I didn't GAIN anything during the potato chip fiasco!

My wayward child finally called this week to let us know she was alive and "well." She aluded to the fact that she made a mistake, but realizes that she has to deal with the consequences of her actions. I feel much better now that I know she's alive, although I feel badly for her... her life is going to be so hard now. BUT, I've got to remember to focus on my health. That way, I'll live long enough to develope an adult relationship with my child.

Anyway, overall, things are fine now. I'm back on track and I just know I'll break 200 by the time I go back to see Dr. H in April.

Thanks again to Bryna and Julie for "holding my hand" and kicking me in the butt when I need it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

01/07/06--Well, I did weigh the day after I wrote my last entry. I had (thankfully) not gained any weight. I didn't lose any, but I'm thankful I didn't gain after the Christmas weekend.

Now, it's time to come clean. I've acknowledged all this to myself, but I feel that it's cleansing to share it with all my bariatric friends who read my ramblings here in my profile. Perhaps it will be help or something to those who read while they're getting ready to take this step... anyway, here I go.

Part of the problem with Christmas weekend, probably the main reason why I let everyone "just a bite" me. The day before my graduation, my 18-year-old daughter didn't come home from school. We spent hours frantically looking for her, then when she came rolling in close to midnight, there began two of the most emotionally difficult weeks I've suffered through in years. She put us through all kinds of drama, rebellion, and hell. She finally topped it off with packing her things, leaving a phone message on my Cell that she was leaving, and took off. We don't know where she is.

That is a glossed over version of what those two weeks were, but that's not the important part as far as my recovery from obesity is concerned. How I reacted is.

Three days before she left, I ate a snack bag of potato chips, the first I'd had in a year. I confessed that bag to my dear buddy Julie, and she talked me through it. The day after my child disapeared, I ate a BIG bag of chips.... which I did not confess to Julie (I was ashamed that I had caved again) but I did confess to dear Bryna. I had one more bag Wednesday, which I confessed to no one. You see a pattern here?

Now, I could try to convince myself that I had the perfect excuse for eating, eating, eating... and doing junk. But it's not an excuse. There is no excuse for abusing myself in response to the emotional abuse my child was hurling at me. I could only honestly claim that the drama with my child was the REASON I wanted to cave to old habits. Having a reason and having an excuse are two different things.

Well, finally on Wednesday night, I fell on my knees and gave my daughter to God. She's 18 and I'm not responsible for her decisions. HE helped me understand that as a mother, I will always worry about her, but that she's got to deal with the consequenses of her own actions. I have to let her go and pray that someday she'll open a dialogue so that we can begin an adult relationship.

Now, all that said, I will go to the positives of the week. The stress in the house is over, I started a new job that I LOVE, I have many, many wonderful friends who love me and are praying for me (Did I mention dear Bryna and Julie? I thank God for them everyday). And to top everything off... inspite of my lapse in judgement, I lost a pound. I'm down to 229 now with only 49 lbs to go. I don't know why I've been so blessed inspite of my fall, but that's God for you... HE blesses us even in the bad times.

So, my job now is to remember the lesson. Just because things get bad (and it hit really hard after such a great year), that doesn't give me an excuse to fall into old habits. I have to remember not to beat myself up. I have to avoid feeling like I've let all my bariatric buddies down.... "Oh gosh, all these people are looking up to me. I've ruined everything now!" I haven't ruined everything. I've just learned a lesson.

It was really hard for me to confess to all the people who read my profile. But I guess I finally realized that I needed to follow my own advice (I "made" Bryna write about her bad month) and 'fess up. I like to eat, but I really HATE having to eat my own words. (Hey, a joke... I must be bouncing back!)

My promise to myself as I enter year two of my recovery from obesity: learn from my mistakes, don't be afraid, be completly honest, don't let trials push me into old habits.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12/27/05--I did so well over Thanksgiving... but Christmas weekend? I'm pretty sure I ate too much. Everything I ate was on the "legal" list, so it could've been worse. But I'm almost positive that I went over the calorie limit.

No excuse for it really. The only thing I can think of is that we went to see too many older family members that insisted that we have "just a bite." I did have "just a bite," but I did that at a WHOLE LOT of places.

I felt a little over-fed. I'll find out today or tomorrow if I lost, stayed the same, or gained weight this week. I actually lost weight over the Thanksgiving weekend, but I think the best I'll be able to hope for over this holiday weekend is that I haven't gained anything.

I have 50lbs to go... I'm too close to the end to mess up now. I have to stay strong. I've been out of school since Dec. 15th. I go back to work full-time on Jan. 3rd. I'll be glad to get back on a busy schedule. I've missed working full-time, even though I'm glad I went back to school.

I graduated from MTSU on the 17th. It was a long time coming, but it finally happend. I'm so pleased with myself. Now, for the next phase of my life... and I'm healthier than I've ever been!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12/23/05--Well, I had an interesting experience last night. As some of you know from reading the bad poem I wrote a while back and posted here on the board, I've been continually surprised by glimpses of myself in store windows. I see myself everyday in the mirror at home, and my brain acknowledges the fact that I'm getting thinner... but I can't see that I'm THIN.

Last night while waiting for my hubby to pull the car around at the store, I was looking out the windows watching for him. I caught a glimpse of someone's reflection in the windows and thought to myself, "I wonder how long it will be before I look as thin as that woman." Then I suddenly realized that the woman whose image was reflected in the glass WAS ME!!!!

It feels so strange not to recognize myself. Inside I feel all content. I know healthwise I feel fantastic. But how long will it take to resolve in my head that the skinny woman I see reflected in shop windows is me?

I know I'm pretty. My hubby convinced me of that years ago. But I'm having trouble with associating this "stunning" woman I keep glimpsing in windows with myself. Anyhoo, if you haven't read it yet, scroll down and read the poem "Stranger." I think that presents what I'm going through pretty well.

I'm so happy to have so many "Bariatrid Buddies" on my prayer/e-mail list. They keep me strong.

Congrats to Julie for being so strong this week. Kudos to Karen for surving the food court at the mall and then going back later in the week and facing the demon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12/21/05--I've added a picture trail to the top of my profile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12/15/05--Well, I had my one-year checkup today! It was great. Here's how it turned out:
My BMI is down to 35 (!) from the original 63
I have lost 190lbs, which is 70% of my total.
I am wearing size 14 tops (or Large) and size 16 pants (or XL... so Large in stretchy material)

I only have 50lbs to go! If I can do that in the next 6 months, I'll still be in an "average" losing period. Life is grand!

Merry Christmas to me!!!! yeah!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12/07/05--I have a lot to say today. Sorry to any of you out there that may be reading this. I'll try not to ramble, but... oh well.

It's been a stressful week. Not because of the diet or anything... I'm graduating from MTSU on the 17th!!! Today's the last day of class and the exam period starts Friday. I have had a TON or work to do, but I'm down to a final draft of a paper, a final project (that will only take a couple hours to do) and my Vocal and Clarinet Juries. I'll be done with everything by Tuesday and then I'll get a couple days off.

Well, I won't be able to relax. I have to do my SUPER DUPER SCRUB-O-RAMA because my sister is coming for graduation. She is the Queen of Clean and my house needs to be SPOTLESS. I usually settle for clean-but-lived-in, but my sister's floors are always clean enough to LITERALLY eat off of. I don't know how she does it, but she teaches piano, teaches two classes at a Buisiness college, and still manages to flawlessly keep her house a showplace. I admire that ability. I can't seem to figure out how she does it.

Anyway, I didn't lose anything this week, so I'm not sure I'll get the last 4 lbs of my mini-goal off by the 15th (my one year appt.), but it's okay. I've lost 186 lbs in 11 1/2 months. That's something that I never would have dreamed possible. I'm proud of myself. I'm learning not to beat myself up over supposed "failures." I'm learning not to keep seeing myself as the 420, size 38W obese woman. I'm even learning not to be shocked when I catch sight of my size 16 body in a window or glass door. I'm learning that feeling good, painless, and FAST is fun. I'll never take my health for granted again.

I got a job. I'll start Jan. 3rd. It'll be good to get back with real adults after spending the last 2 years with college kids. Yikes! I'm old. I just called them kids. Anyway, I'm going back to work for the state. I'll get all my sick leave back that I had accrued, my retirement back, my long-gevity (sp?) will be reinstated... Best of all, it's in Murfreesboro, so NO COMMUTING!!! Yeah!

I hope everyone has a great Christmas holiday. I'm going make an effort to really reflect on the Christ Child and remember why he came. I want to fine tune my focus on Christ.. and in my newfound health, serve Him and worship him with all my being.

Blessings on you all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11/28/05--It's been a good week and a half. Thanksgiving went well. I had a teaspoon (not tablespoon) each of blackeye peas, corn, greenbeans... and much to my shame, mashed potatos and dressing. But, I did stick to just one teaspoon. Although, I see the danger in that... that taste after so many months with no potatoes or any bread-like substance, I wanted MORE. But I managed to not go past it. Anyhoo--those 5 teaspoons of sides, plus half a slice of ham and two deviled egg halves made up my Thanksgiving dinner.

I've now lost 3 more lbs (Even with Thanksgivng in there!). I've only got 4 more lbs to my mini-goal and 17 days to lose the last 4. I"M GONNA MAKE IT!!! ALSO--I JOGGED for the first time in almost 20 years last week!!! I couldnt believe it! And my skin didn't even bounce much, or slap me. Life is good.

Congratulations go out to all my bariatric friends.... Julie, Lura, Tina, Melvin, Chuck, Angie, and all of you on the message board... the list goes on and on... you guys are doing GREAT! To those of you who have your dates schedule, WARMEST WISHES to you! I'm praying for all of you! Bryna, I'm so proud of you for being willing to share how you've learned from your mistakes. You are so brave and beautiful (inside and out)!

Well, that's about all I have for right now. Love to you all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11/19/05--Oh my heavens! I weighed again yesterday afternoon and I lost another 3 lbs! YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!! I only have 7 more lbs to lose to reach my mini-goal by my one-year appointment in Dec!!!! AND--only 37 lbs to go before I enter ONEderland! I want to get to that by my birthday at the end of January... that would be such an awesome b-day gift to myself!!!!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11/16/05--Greetings fellow Losers and potential Losers. In my post today, I am going to inflict upon you some bad poetry. Why? Because I wrote it during some random thinking time while pondering my state of being... and because it's my profile and I can!

Here are the poems. Enjoy! (Or puke, whichever response you prefer.)

CHANGES
by Cathy Spencer

Melting
Shrinking
Diminishing outside
Narrowing
Slimming
No longer 3 feet wide
Healthier
Faster
No longer in pain
Perkier
Brighter
Nothing is the same


STRANGER
by Cathy Spencer

Who are you?
Where did I go?
My head says you're me.
My heart tells me no.

Simple mirror on the wall,
you reflect what you see.
When I look into your depths,
I'm supposed to se me.

The woman reflected in your eyes-
Svelte, Slim, Lean-
Is someone I don't recognize,
someone I've never seen.

Inside I feel the same.
I haven't changed at all.
But then I glimpse this stranger
in the mirror on the wall.

I'd like to get to know her-
This lovely woman that I see.
Oh mirror, mirror on the wall
Is that beauty really me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11/14/05--Well... it's coming, it's coming. Slowly but surely. Another pound. I'm now down 180lbs. 60 to go.

It's getting to be really hard work. After the first 130 or so coming off so quickly, I'm having a hard time adjusting to the slow-down.

BUT--I will persevere... I will do everything possible to get the last 10lbs of my mini-goal off by Dec. 15.

Life is good.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11/05/05--Well one more pound. It's not much, but I'll take it. I'm looking for ways to up my activity... I want at least 11 more lbs off by my 1-year appointment on Dec. 15th. Minimum. Of course, I'd like to have 21 off by then because then I would be able to say I'd lost 200lbs in one year, but 190 in one year is fine too.

It's harder now than it was in the beginning, BUT--I'm more used to the way I have to eat now, so it balances. I still have no regrets and wouldn't turn back for anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10/24/05-Wow. I am in awe. I am amazed. I am in an acute state of disbelief. I now weigh less than I did when I graduated HS. I am wearing clothes 2 sizes smaller than what I wore when I graduated HS. When I graduate from MTSU in December, my robe will be SMALLER than the one I wore in HS. How many people can say that?

Thank you Lord, thank You.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



10/17/05--No loss this week. I can't complain though... I lost mega pounds the previous weeks. The loss is getting harder now that I'm further out. I'm exploring ways to up my activity since it's slowed down AND I'm getting close to the "evil" final 40.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10/03/05--Wow. Okay. I weighed again today on the new scale, and it SAYS that I'm down to 246! It's the new one that we got confirmed... so if it IS accurate, I've lost 5lbs since Friday. I'm having a hard time trusting it. I'd slowed down quite a bit this last 3 months... so this massive amount coming off the last 2 weeks is disconcerting. BUT, it is probably just my matabolism kicking up. So, if I can lose 26 more pounds by December 20, I'll have lost 200lbs in one year. That gives me almost 3 months to make my mini goal. Of course, I'll be happy with any and all that comes off, but I must admit, I'm starting to get excited again.

I've sent my September after pic in to the photo people, so hopefully my pics will be updated soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

09/30/05--Okay, there was some confusion this week. I had to change scales at the hospital where I weigh and on Monday the 26th, the new scale said that I had lost SIX pounds since the previous Thursday. Now, I know it's possible to lose that much weight in such a short time, but I didn't trust it because it was a different scale. Today I weighed on a scale that had just been balanced. I have lost FIVE pounds since our 9 month appointment 8 days ago. That I can believe. So, it's down to 251, a total of 169lbs lost. I can breath again.

Mike and I are having a struggle with fluids again. We had solved our problem MONTHS ago by buying gallons of Kroger brand caffine/sugar free tea. Well, Hurricane Katrina has caused the plastics people to save all the jugs for the dairy industry, so no tea will be produced for awhile. However, we've been keeping an eye on all the Kroger's in town... they were all expecting one last shipment from what was in the warehouses. We cleaned our local Kroger's out of their whole shipment...27 gallons, which should last us for most of the month. (Mike and I usually drink a gallon a day btwn us). This weekend, we're driving to all the other Kroger's in town and cleaning them out too. Hopefully, that'll hold us through the end of the year.

I know it sounds strange, but that tea saved us. I HATE plain water, but I hate the flavored water even more. We drink Crystal lite at home, but when I'm out I have to have a large cup of ice because I HAVE to drink my liquids very cold. (I know, I'm weird) But then as the ice begins to melt, it waters the Crystal lite down to much for me to stand drinking it. However, the tea I can drink watery. I'm strange. Once we found that tea, I had no problem getting in 64-80 ounces of fluid a day in.

Anyhoo-that's two disasters we've muddled through this week. It could've been a whole lot worse!

Congrats to Terri and Valerie who joined the losing side on Sept. 6th. Congrats also to Pat who has a surgery date now (Nov 9). "Weigh" to go ladies!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

09/23/05--We had our 9 month appointment yesterday. I had been worried that Dr. H would fuss because I hadn't lost enough weight since the 6 month. I worried for nothing. It seems I had my expectations set too high. He was pleased. He did caution us that now at 9 months, to up the exercise as much as possible, to be careful not to snack, and watch the carbs. He told me to shoot for another 25-30 pounds for our 1 year appointment in December.

Here's our results:
Cathy
Lost 164lbs (Current weight 256lbs-Starting weight 420lbs)
Current BMI 39--starting BMI 63
Have lost 60% of my excess weight
Clothing sizes: Current-Shirts Lady's 16, pants Reg. 18s and 16Ws or L or XL/ Dresses Ladies 16 (full skirts) lady's 18 (straight skirts) STARTING-36W on everything or 6X.

Mike
Lost 163lbs (Current weight 218lbs-Starting weight 381lbs)
Current BMI 30--starting BMI 49
Has lost 75% of excess weight
Clothing sizes: Current--dress shirts 17, casual shirts medium/pants 34 STARTING--dress shirts 24, casual shirts 5X, pants 58

Our health is excellent! Dr. H is really pleased. WE'RE really pleased! I've got to adjust my thinking. I finally was able to wrap my mind around how fast we were losing and make myself believe it. Now that it's slowed down, I've got to wrap my mind around THAT and understand that I'm doing just what I'm supposed to be doing. He said as long as we're losing, we're fine and not to beat ourselves up over slower lose. The days of losing 40lbs a month are over, but that's okay.

Thank you LORD for your Grace, Dr. H, and this surgery!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

09/12/05--Trying not to feel bummed today. I only lost 1lb this week, and I only have 10 days left before my 9 month appointment. I don't think I can lose 7lbs in 10 days.... unless the fluid I'm retaining weighs more than I think.

I'm not complaining, really. I just so wanted to have lost 170lbs when I went in at 9 months.... that would put me at 250, which is a looooong "weigh" from where I was in December (420). But 257 isn't so bad, and I will lose a few more pounds by the 22nd.

Mini-goals are good to have... bit size chunks that you can celebrate... tiny victories. But I have to remind myself that as long as I am at least losing, I don't need to beat myself up about getting down to "this pound by that date."

Finally found some jeans that fit and didn't cost a fortune. I have trouble bringing myself to paying a lot of money for clothes I won't wear very long. I'm consistantly wearing regular 16 tops and dresses with full skirts. Dresses with straight skirts have to be 18s. In pants, I'm wearing 16Ws, Some regular 18s and some 18Ws, all depending on how they are cut. It's wild to be realistcally looking at the clothes in the ladies' section.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

09/06/05--Woo-hoo!!! Broke another "zero" Broke 260 and am down to 258! So, I've now lost 162lbs... Only 78 lbs to go... a far cry from 240lbs to lose!!!

Mike's doing great too. He lost another 2lbs this week and is down 163lbs, with only 29lbs to go.

My mini goal for my 9 month appointment was to be down to 250. I have 16 days to lose 8 more pounds... I'm hoping if I'm very, very careful, drink plenty of fluids and walk an extra mile every day, I'll make it... but I'm not gonna sweat it if I don't. I've done well, I'm almost down to my goal weight (all things considered) and feel better than I have in years. I'm rather pleased with myself.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

08/30/05 Well, I had a good week. I lost 3 more pounds, so now I'm down 159 lbs. I just might meet the mini-goal I set for myself. I wanted to be down 170lbs by my nine month check-up. So, I have 23 days to loose 11 more pounds. I just might make it, but I know I'll at least come pretty darn close.

Best wishes to Chuck and Angie who are both having surgery this week!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

08/22/05--Two more pounds gone for-evuh! I'm down 166 lbs now, 84 to go and I FEEL GREAT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

08/15/05--Lost 4lbs this week! yeah! Michael lost 6 (the bum). I was able to buy 16W pants, shirts and dresses this weekend. I'm flumuxed! It's been at least 17 years since I've been this small.

I only have 86lbs to go... I've been numbed ever since I weighed this afternoon. I just can't seem to grasp it. 8 months ago, I never really believed that this would happen. I just couldn't really believe it, but it's happening!!!!

I just put Mike in 36 waist pants. His new shirts are just Larges. He's having trouble believing that they're really not too small.

A lot of adjustments in such a short time... God has really blessed us.

Special thanks to my dear friend Bryna---thanks for being such an awesome cheerleader!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

08/09/05-Weighed yesterday. As on the 1st, I had just lost one pound, but that's okay! I am looking for ways to up my exercise from what I've been doing all along. I had finally gotten "comfortable" with my exercise routine, but now I can see it's time to crank it up to a higher level. The old, lazy part of me that is a hold over from my life before surgery is whining that I'm doing more than enough. The new, healthier part of me that has emerged since surgery tells me to challenge myself, to not fall back on old habits.

My mini-goal is to be down to 250 by my 9 month appointment in late September. It is doable IF I "crank it up" over the next 7 weeks. I've come too far to slide back now. With God's help, I AM going to make it.

I'm so thankful for all my new friends I've made online and at the two support groups I attend. Thank you all for hold my hand when I need it, and for talking tough when I need that. God Bless you all.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/25/05-Weighed today. Lost another 3lbs! Yeah me! I've now lost 148lbs. My hubby has also lost 148lbs. When's that ever gonna happen again? Having the EXACT same amount lost at the same time. Too neat. Only have 92lbs to go and I'm excited!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/23/05-I went to my support group today. It is always great to get together with other people who are going through this major life change. Diane, our moderator, gave us all a copy of a piece called "Reality Check-One year Post-op." It was absolutely hysterical! I haven't laughed so hard in... I can't remember when. I think the reason it was so funny to me is that I'm already experiencing a lot of what the writer says... and I'm only 7 months out. Oh, hey... I'll just add it here and you can read (and laugh) for yourself.

REALITY CHECK OF ONE YEAR POST-OP

Today as I get ready for work, I ponder the beauty of the female body as I tuck my excess sagging breast skin back up into the bra and try to rearrange it to it doesn't look like cauliflower with a top over it. I verify that I don't have excess flaps sticking over the sides of the bra cup in my armpit. I calculate the bank balance in the cosmetic surgery fund, as I put on the control top panty hose to hopefully pull some of my butt back up where its actually supposed to be located (losing 13 inches of butt fat doesn't mean you lose 13"of the skin surrounding it).... I breathe easily and freely while bending over to tie my shoes *in the center of the shoe* and not off to one side because I can bend that far down easily now. I duck out of the way as I'm bending over as one of my breasts pops out of the top of my bra and tries to whap me in the face. I contemplate duct tape and dream of the time that I will get my wax museum in July with no A/C body to go away and replace it with that final masterpiece that I have worked for.

At lunch, I order out. I save half of the protein side of the meal for tomorrow and throw out the rice and egg roll. I grin as I add tomorrow’s lunch money into the cosmetic surgery fund. I arrange to work out tomorrow with a friend who says she's dying to see my excess thigh skin wrap around from the back of my leg to the front of my leg when I run like I've been telling her it does. She seems to find this hysterical. Which is OK, because so do I. But its really hard to run and keep up a good pace when the Jell-O theme song "Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle" is going through your head.

It's kind of like when you see those videos of dogs with their heads out the windows of cars and their jowls are flapping in the wind... my thighs do that... impressive isn't it? On the way home from work, I stop at the thrift store and buy larges and even a medium off the rack without trying it on because I know it will fit. I still find myself grabbing the 3X and 2X tops and thinking that's my size. I have hit that point where I have to stop dressing "fat". The layered clothing, the baggy clothing, the long shirts over the pants because it just doesn't look good on me, I need to make myself buy smaller tighter fitting clothing and its a weird adjustment. I buy more colorful stuff now and even patterned, and for the first time pin stripes look GOOOOOOD on me. Its even fun to see clothes I've dropped off at the thrift store up for sale. . Have to remember to go get my ring resized one of these days.

I go home and cook dinner, the regular dinner plate for him, and the smaller plate for me. He's a new addition in my life.... taller than me (at 6'1" this is quite a novelty for me to have to look up) and about the same build as me. He reminds me to switch his plate to the smaller one as well. He is adopting my eating habits because he wants to lose weight. Said he doesn't want me to "leave him for a cuter, younger guy" (insert evil grin here). We're working out together and supporting each other. My interactions in a relationship have changed a lot. I don't put up with half as much as I used to of the B. S. I stand up for myself and make sure I get what I need. This was probably the hardest thing to learn.

Now I am in that final stage... the evil 30 lbs or so I have left to lose. It doesn't move easily, I am at that stage where I need to up my exercise. Weightlifting, swimming and running has tightened my skin up immensely but not completely. I don't have the hanging stomach flap even though I've dropped 100+ lbs. I just look like a melted wax sculpture.... everything just kind of.... slliiiiiiiddd down. So I went from an Orca to a Sharpei....

And I wouldn't change it for the world. (Author Unknown)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/18/05-WOO HOO! 4lbs this week! Only 95lbs to go! I'm in da hooooooomestretch! I'm still having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I have less than 100lbs to lose! Wow.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/11/05-yet another pound gone! I'm trying to remember to be positive... trying not to get frustrated.... I've only lost one pound a week for the past 3 weeks... but it could be worse, I could've not lost anything, or gained. Anyhoo-the good news is that I now, officially have LESS THAN 100 lbs to lose! That's right ONLY 99lbs to go. And 99lbs sounds much better than 240!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/06/05 Weighed yesterday... only lost one more pound... but I'm not complaining. One more pound and I can officially say that I have less than 100lbs to lose... and that's something I haven't been able to say in a very, very, very long time... like 20 years I'd guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

07/01/05 Weighed on Monday... had lost a pound since the previous Thursday... "Any weight lost is better than none!" But, it's "That time of the month" and the bloating always gives me poorer numbers. Next week should be really good. I'm content with how good I feel. Besides, if this next 100 lbs comes of more slowly than the first 140, maybe my skin will have more time to shrink!

And speaking of hanging skin... overall I'm not to unhappy with it, but my THIGHS! Yikes! Good thing my upper thighs are covered most of the time. I am amazed how that empty skin just HANGS there. But it's worth it to feel as good as I do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

06/23/05 Well... Mike and I just got back from our 6 month checkup and we're doing great! I'm listing below what our stats were:

Cathy:
Current weight-282, Starting weight-420
Lost 51% of excess weight
Has lost a total of 138lbs (102 to go)
43lbs lost from 3 month visit to 6 month visit
Current BMI-43 Starting BMI-63
Current Clothing sizes 18W-20W Tops, 20W-22W bottoms
(Starting Clothing sizes 36W tops and Bottoms)

Mike:
Current weight-236, Starting weight-382
Lost 67% of excess weight
Has lost a total of 145
43 lost from 3 month visit to 6 month visit
Current BMI-33 Starting BMI-53
Current Pants-38, Starting size-56/Current Shirts-Large, Starting-5X-6X

Dr. H says we are doing great! We're both where he expected us to be at NINE months, so we're 3 months ahead!!! He had set Mike's surgical goal weight at 210, but at the rate he's going, he'll have passed it by September at our 9 month. So, Mike's probably going to be around 200 in September! Yeah Hubby! I'm shooting for at least another 40lbs, so I should weigh around 240-242 by the 9 month.. and that'll be less than I weighed when I graduated High School! (Senior year:230-245)

I am so thankful for this surgery! It has given us our lives back. It was worth every hassel with the insurance company, every bit of discomfort, everything we had to go through. I feel great! I have lots of little things that have come back to me since this surgery and I will forever be greatful!

Oh, I guess I should feel guilty for whining monday about having only lost 1 lb... I lost SIX from Monday to Today (thursday)! I have to remember my new motto: "Any weight lost is better than none lost; None lost is better than any gained."

So, no more complaining about only losing 1-2 lbs... no more fretting if I plateau for a week or so. It'll come... It'll come.

In HIS Grip, Cathy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

06/17/05 Hmph. I weight Tuesday 6/14 and had only lost 1lb. I guess that's what I get for getting over excited about the the 9lbs the week before. But hey, any weight loss is better than none, and none is better than gaining! I think the only reason it's REALLY bothering me is that I'd set myself a 50lbs lost goal from the 3month to the 6th month visit and I've only lost 35 of that so far...and my appointment's this next Thursday! Oh well, I'm doing great and feel fantastic, that's all that matters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

06/07/05 Unbelievable! I weighed yesterday and I've lost another 9lbs...in a week! alright! Plah-toe ovah!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

06/04/05 I did it! Tues, May 31, I lost another 3 pounds and made it to my halfway mark plus one! I was blessed with two milestones the same day: halfway and breaking 300. Yeah!

Yesterday My hubby and I went to our PCP to get our blood work for our upcoming followup visit with Dr. H. If the scale is correct, I lost another 6 lbs... but since it's not the scale we've been weighing on, I'm not going to count it until we weigh Tuesday. But it's exciting to think about...I've been on a slow crawl the last month... hopefully I've broken through it.

I'm back onstage for the first time in over a year. It feels so good.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05/23/05 Oh, so close! I lost another 3 pounds this week, so I'm at 118 lost. I was hoping it would be 5, so that I'd be exactly halfway...but at least the numbers are going DOWN. I know that next week I'll not only reach the halfway point, but pass it--and I'll finally break 300.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05/17/05 Wowzers! As of today I am now down 115lbs! I'm almost halfway there! (Halfway point is 120lbs) 5lbs to get there, 1 more past that point to finally break 300! Oh yes!

Mike's and My 6 month appointment is June 24th... so we have about 5 weeks. I'm hoping I can lose another 25 or 30 lbs by then. I was at 95lbs at my 3month...I've lost 20 since then, and I'm hoping another 25 or so will get me far enough along not to get "fussed at". I know it's different for everyone, but so far, I've been smack on or a tiny bit ahead of the average numbers.

I get scared sometimes that the weight will creep back on, or even just stop where it is in spite of "how good" I am with diet and exercise. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I still see the same old fat women... Sometimes even the pictures don't help. BUT--I can admit, daily, that I feel so much better than I used to. I think some emotional demons are trying to hold me down, but HE is with me and HE will see me through.

I am so thankful for everyone on this site... thank you for sharing your stories... thanks for being cheerleaders... thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

05/04/05 Well, we weighed again on 05/02 and I'm now down 108lbs! Yeah, yeah me! Walking around MTSU's campus, I've begun to realize that I'm not longer the biggest woman out there. I feel my heart going out to these people... As I watch them struggle to move from building to building, I wish I could just hug them and tell them about the surgery.

At other times, I feel that I look as big as I always did, but then I look at my before picture. I've also finally realized that the fluffy people in my life are not actually gaining weight, it's just that Mike and I have gotten smaller than them... Mike and I have always been the biggest, so our frame of reference was us... We were big, everybody else was smaller; therefore, it looked like everybody was gaining weight even though they are the same size as always. I've had to learn to adjust this.

It blows my mind everytime I discover something new that has changed because of this surgery. I was leading a Ladies Ensemble rehersal last week, and without thinking, I CROSSED MY LEGS!!! It startled me so much that I suddenly stopped talking, looked down and said, "Well, would you look at that!" I got a little misty-eyed, and everybody chuckled... in a good way. It's been almost 10 years since I could cross my legs. I'm amazed. I'm thrilled! I'm so thankful. God is Good.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



04/11/05 I weighed on the 7th and I have now lost 100lbs!!!! Yeah me! It's really, really starting to feel real... it's really happening. I know that sounds odd, but I can really believe now that this isn't going to be just like everything eles I've tried to control my weight with. This is just awesome. I've got to get a new picture up!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

03/26/05 Oh my goodness! I weighed again on Thursday and I discovered that I'd lost ANOTHER 5LBS!!! I'm now 90lbs down! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited and happy that my plateau is over.

I've also discovered that my old "hyperactivity" is starting to return. I'd not realized just how much I've slowed down over the past 6 years. I love being healthier!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

03/18/05 I am 2 day shy of my 3 month anni. and I've now lost 85lbs! My husband Mike is at 3 1/2 months and he's lost 105lbs. (Which just happens to be exactly what out 20-year-old daughter weighs!) I was recently blessed with two big boxes of clothes from a friend's daughter who had this surgery in Nov. It's the first time in years that I've been able to wear "hand-me-downs." I got so excited that I cried.

Mike no longer has to shop in the "Big Man" section... when we realized this, he didn't cry, but his eyes sure were shiney! All this fun stuff aside, we feel SO MUCH BETTER than we did three months ago! I'll never regret having had this surgery.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

02/21/05---It's been 2 months for me and 2 1/2 for my husband. He's lost 90 and I've lost 70. We're both shrinking rapidly, losing a clothing size about every 2 weeks or so. We've found a really great consignment shop close by that has a wide selec...er, large amou..., er... VARIETY of plus size clothing We get too small for one bunch, then consign them back and get smaller ones! Eating is a chore these days (never thought THAT would be a problem! :-)) We've just been blessed throughout the whole process.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

01/05--My husband and I both had the surgery. His was Dec. 6, 2004 and mine was Dec. 20, 2004. It has been really nice going through this together. We've made a lot of supportive friends thoughout the process. Dr. Houstan and his staff are excellent. They really care and are very helpful and supportive.

420 BEFORE December 20, 2004 (Size 36W shirt and 38W pants{ or 5X-6X} )

207 AFTER: March 2006 (Size 12 shirts, size 14 pants) Half the