chaly
Things Of The Past
Oct 11, 2013
I was challenged at my pre-surgery information class to journal about my past and then what my goals would be for my future. What led to my eating? Why did I put myself into this state? Why, how, these are the beginnings of so many of questions when I think of my weight. Why did I let myself go like this? How could I possibly have allowed this? I could probably spend the next hour on questions such as these. I guess I will just move on and go on to things of my past.
When thinking back to my childhood, I don't remember not being the "bigger kid". I am not saying I was the morbidly obese woman I am today, I am just saying "bigger". I always knew I was bigger, but back in grade school it didn't matter. I had friends, short one, tall ones, thin ones, fat ones. It didn't matter, we were kids and that was never an issue.
The place where it became an issue was home. The place where it shouldn't have mattered. I understand why it did now. My mother wanted me to have it easier than she did. She wanted the best for me. You see, my mom growing up was overweight, as was my father. My siblings on the other hand couldn't have been skinnier. I had inherited the "fat" gene early in life. (My siblings were adults before I watched them in their struggles with weight.) My mother used to go to our neighbors where I played with their kids, and asked each of them not to feed me. I remember one neighbor who made me special popsicles that were diet friendly that I could eat when her kids had popsicles. I remember being singled out in several situations and not allowed to participate in eating with my friends for fear my weight would go up.
The other thing I remember is one particular Christmas. Do you remember the fluffy pillow type jackets made of Down? They had just became very popular at my school. Oh how I wanted one of those jackets. I remember going to Mervyn's and trying one on. I just had to have it! Well, mom let me know that I was too "big" for one. I was told I looked like the state puff marshmallow. I never did get to have one of those jackets. I know this really sounds horrible. I could never imagine doing this to one of my children, but I do believe my mom was doing what she thought was best for me.
My father never really commented on my weight. My father rarely commented on anything. The thing with him that I remember was yelling or silence. When he was silent was when you had to worry. My father was one with a really short temper. He would say jump, and it was your job to ask "How high?"
It was hard growing up, but I knew that they both loved in their own way. They did what they knew best. I never realized that the relationships and family dynamics in our home weren't normal. In fact, it was in college that I learned how dysfunctional our family was. It was much latter in life that my father apologized for the way I was brought up. My mom, she never did apologize. In fact around her up to her death I often times did the thing that I had grown up doing best, making fun of my weight before she did. It sometimes hurt, but there at the end mom's disease made her tongue loose. I knew that she never meant to hurt me.
Well, do I blame them for my weight. No not really. I may have learned bad eating habits in my early childhood. I may have learned to "stuff my emotions". Neither of those things were my parents fault. I chose to do those things. Also, as I said, I was heavy, not obese.
My obesity came after my pregnancies. With my daughter I gained 83 pounds. I chose to eat. I also chose to not loose it after I gave birth. With my second pregnancy I gained 35 or so pounds. Not so bad, right? Well, I miscarried my twins at 20 weeks. My third pregnancy was another 65 pounds. Over the next 16 years I yo-yo'd. I would lose weight and be close to the 100's only to turn around and eat the weight back on. I must have lost hundreds of pounds over the years. All this has been my fault. I chose to eat for sadness, anger, joy, happiness, frustration, whatever emotion there was, food was the answer. The problem was it was always only temporary, as long as the food would last.
There have been times in my adult life that I heared the hurtful comments by other adults ridiculing my weight. Or the occasional comments of children. There have been the frustrations of not being able to keep up with my children. Or the times of not being able to sit in a movie theater seat. My obesity has been has hindered me in so many ways.
I believe, that over the years, I have become so frustrated with myself, and have become so overwhelmed by the amount I need to lose, that it has just been easier to say "forget it". That's not to say I haven't tried, in fact, I am currently on Weight Watchers. It's always easier to give up, To not try. To say, "It's just too hard." It's with that attitude that I finally have decided I am tired of the "no hope", I want to have hope of a future. Weight loss surgery is that hope.
In closing who's fault is it that I am the size I am. It's my fault. I could blame my parents, or my situations in life. I could blame family or friends. I could blame my pregnancies, or even the car I drive (As it keeps me from walking.), but it's my fault. I chose to prepare the food. I chose to pick up the fork. I chose to put the food in my mouth and swallow. I chose the amount I ate. I chose to not get the exercise I needed. I chose. Now I am choosing to change. I am choosing sugery.
