Feeling low & futile...

Feb 21, 2011

I've waited until after the holidays to get the rest of my requirements in. So, I have so far:
1) Attended the seminar
2) Gotten my psych eval
3) Quit smoking last week
4) Submitted my weight loss attempts document.
5) Requested the letter of medical necessity from my doctor last Friday.

Now I'm waiting to get that letter which should be coming any day, and also waiting on the results of my psy eval. Surgeon's office said I should hear from them today. Am plenty nervous about that.

I'm feeling really down. I've crossed the 5 lb threshold - when I get to 280, all of a sudden it feels like my body can't handle it anymore. It's difficult to walk unless I'm wearing sneakers. Hard to walk barefoot around house. I tire easily. Hard to move around. As a result, my house is messier. Which depresses me. It feels overwhelming. I look terrible and feel like, why even bother to get dressed - it's such an effort even to shower, dry my hair, put on make up. 

My house looks like someone's bachelor pad. I've been working on trying to fix it up, but at this weight, it's really hard. I need to clean my carpet - and that seems overwhelming. I need to move my furniture around so I can get cable installed on a different wall. I need to move bookcases, my desk, to reconfigure the layout. Need to throw out my couches because some friends are selling me theirs. I live alone and don't have a guy around to help. 

I'm trying not to feel like a failure. I feel like I'm just neglecting everything. Being bipolar, I'm prone to depression and I don't want to go there. Even though I'm way closer to getting the RNY, I actually feel like it's further away than ever. It just seems too good to be true, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - to hear that, no, after all, it won't happen. Being a normal weight has been something I've dreamed of all my life, and it's hard to really believe now that it can happen. I feel like I don't want to get my hopes up, because if I do and it doesn't happen, I'm afraid it would crush my spirit.

I hate being obese. It's so life-destroying. Keeps me from doing nearly everything I want to do. I'm absolutely sick of it, the limitations. It feels like a prison. I'm trying my best to be positive, but lately it's just really hard.

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