MY JOURNEY

May 09, 2011

I am a 29 year old woman that has battled weight issues for all of my life. It is now more difficult to do the things I had always done. I have a toddler and would love to really be a MOM instead of pretending to participate.

12-19-2002
Today I made the decision to have the RNY surgery. For me it has been a huge decision because my life very much surrounds food. I have a huge Italian family and we all gather to eat and we eat lots! ~ Anyway today being my 29th Birthday and I am almost at the weight I was 8months pregnant and I hear so often if I am pregnant again. NO I am just FAT! However, as of today I am making a life change to become health for my 2 year old and my future children if I have any more. I want to be healthy not fat and no where near a Barbie doll, I don’t want to walk into a room and know without scouting out that I am not the largest person in this room. Normality is all I want.

5-5-2003
It has been a long process to get to today and posting would have been kinda boring. I have under went all of the tests that to doctor requires- I think these tests weed out the not serious candidates for the docs. I had to have a heart clearance, gastro clearance [upper and lower], Shrink clearance, and last Doctor of nutrition-not just a nutritionist. I have been counseled, poked, prodded, and shrunk till I was just about to quit but never in my life have I quite anything so here I am still fighting my way toward a healthy life. Today, I was at my monthly visit to the nutrition place and I was given the OK to revisit my surgeon!!! This is wonderful because I am half way there to loosing the required 10% of my weight for lap surgery. I might be able to get a surgery date real soon.... Happy joy happy happy joy joy! ~

6-27-03
Graduation parties~
Well, today has been just like every family gathering-surrounded by food- I really blew my intake this weekend and have another party tomorrow. Soon that will be changing~ Oh well~ I am writing because I feel in the middle of a tug-of- war of opinions. I know I really want to loose my weight and be healthy for me and my family. Sure to look normal is a perk but I feel because I am not telling my immediate family about my decision to have surgery weighs heavily on me. Im not telling them because my immediate family actually likes me fatter than they are, it makes them feel better about how over weight they are. Sure they complain about me being "heavy" but deep down they are happy its me ...it must be because I have my looks and well, with me being heavy I am not a threat. My sister and mother are very flashy in things and Im just not. Enough about that. Back to the my opinion issues. The few people I am discussing my decisions with are very supportive but today I spoke with a sorta relative by marriage and she is a nurse and is dead set against the thought of it. She sais the poor health issues after are not good things because of all the vitamin loss Bla Bla Bla you really are not healthy. I have had only this one person that is negative and so many here and a few at home are very supportive. I have not changed my mind must feel as though my bubble got popped. I need to blow another bubble again with support from all of you. I have all of my pre-testing done and I go see my Doc on thursday for a date.

7-1-03
The main reason I am not being open with my family I know they will just use the tool-sugery- as a slap in the face. But to hot have their support is killing me. I get validated on this decision pretty much every day. I was having a normal conversation about food and what my husband gives our daughter with my mother. I was just venting my flustrations that I wished he would not give her so much junk especially drink junk kool aid and choc milk...what ever happend to water or juice or plain milk...She is 2years old and i worrie....Well, anyway my mother was agreeing with my saying that the baby does not need to have weight issues early on in life so I had better change his choices...well in the middle of that conversation she sais. " Dana, you dont want the baby having these weight issues, YOU know what its like" Meaning, me being FAT I should know first hand. This is only one of the many reminders I get from her with each conversation but they really bother me. I know its not right but I am looking forward at being normal weight for once and just see how the tables can turn....for once in my life I would like to not be the daughter that has always been " as big as a house" a term my mother has use since I was probally 14years old. Ohh well, I am going to have my sugery and be health for me, and no one else....except maybe my family....my husband and daugher..those are the only two that truely matter.


7-3-03
Date set Wow here I sit thinking that I am on my way and it blows my mind. The reality of being normal after being fat for nearly 10years and "stocky" the 19years before that is within my grasp yet it scares me and excites me at the same time. I am hoping it will be like coming out of an ugly caterpillar into a butterfly but I know it will be lots more work. I am experiencing so much emotion right now I just don’t know what I feel. I am THILLED for the date and the move onward and yes it scares.


7-19-03
Happy Bday to my MeMa... at 77 years old I can hardly believe my grandmother still does many things many people her age could not do. She drives her car (just in town) and sits with my 2 year old on occasion and still even goes to work caring for my aunt who is in end stage MS-basically sits with her too. I admire my grandmother for the woman she has always been in my life. My mema and I have had a bond since I was really little and I am thankful to have her in my life and my daughters life. I was a good girl sorta today...I went out to a late lunch with the 4 generations mema, my mother, me, and my daughter and I had fish for lunch. I have always liked fish but never cook it, WHY you ask? Well, my DH dont eat fish and well to cook something just for oneself is kinda boring. BUT ya know what is more boring cooking- beef, chicken, pork, hamburgs, hotdogs, chix patties an endless cycle of food, I tell ya I generally like to eat summer fare but food has gotten so monotoneos(sp?) I really will be happy when I am on the other side and dinner will be easyer lol...I am so ready for my life to stop surrounding food and be enriched in nutrition I hope I will break that cycle of round people in my family. If someone would stand everyone in my family in a line and turned them around and look at them from the back side we all look kinda balloon shaped- OK round~. I HATE That..I have ALWAYS been athletic which had me on a different plane 10 years ago. I was on the taller side and instead of round I was not round and not hourglass just solid and proportionate. I hope real soon to return to my former leaner self where I can use this body GOD gave me to a better purpose other than storing fat. Being this round italian blob and not an individual to my family really bothers me. I will be healthy! And stop this trend for my daughter! So, If I seem to be rambling here its just me and my thoughts as my date is getting closer and closer one day at a time~

7-23-03
Mortality
Today I had the most scary reality check of my life. My husband went in for a symply nasal surgery. His nose was broken as a kid and well it was finally going to be repaired. He is a large man with a large neck but over all he does not look his weight. He went through many tests wore a heart monitor and even was put on a c-pap for his apnea. Well, they took him in and prepped him I kissed him bye and within about 45 mins the doc comes back out and sais he could not do it. My husband has a hi-adal? hernia and has acid reflux burning his esphagas causing it to be enflamed and being a large man they could not intibate him for his surgery. They also discovered he is almost diabetic. I cant help being worried for him as I get ready for my surgery knowing he is in need of this tool just as much if not more than me. The only thing is I can not make this decision for him, he must make the decison and the effort to want to change his life....Mortality everyone has it and does not realize how valuable life is till you have something really happen to make you sit and think about how valuable life is and those in your life. I have only a few weeks left of hi caloric intake and then I will be a looser...im happy yet terrified. I know its normal but I need a vallume..lol just kiddin!

8-5-03
WOW 1 Week left!!!
I am going through so much anxiety and nerver...I really know this is the right decision but cant help this avalance of emotion. I have the support of my friends on here and my best friend and my inlaw and my hubby yet as my hubby puts it I am at a loss because (I chose not to tell my mother) and I dont have her approval in this and he is right. I guess this is the first grown up decision I have made on my own and because Of her ridicule of me in the past I know this she hates my being fat yet it only comes out in the heat of anger so I am only gona make me healther which will not change the dynamics of our relationship so why even tell her. Yet, habits die hard and not tellin my family is really hard...

8-8-03
WOW! I cant believe it...the biggest turning point in my life is about to happen and I can honestly say Im terrified.....and happy. This has been a year long road that has taken me soul searching for self discovery. Now, I have found her, a normal sized being under this thick wall of fat, A wall built around her heart and self esteem. I know its the product of a sterile childhood, growing up with a single mom who did the best she could in providing for us. I was always the larger child and after I got larger than she her fav nick name was I was bigger than a house and my sister was ALWAYS her favorite. I will say now I am jealouse of what I never got in my youth and it still is a reminder today of how onesided my family still is. My sister now 21 is a premadonna getting everything and anything she wants. Mom always was on her side in things and well, I went to food as my comfort and it was always kind to me. I never got that mother nurture bond and I missed it. I try very hard to give it to my daugher and that is why I really want to be healthy for her. and my hubby...my family. During this jouney I can honestly say there is no since dwelling on my past losses and begin a new future. My new healthier future. I think if I tell my family about this decision they will not really understand and I am sure whatever their opinion is and right now and I dont want the critizum(sp)so I leave everything up to faith..I am not an overly religious woman but I think GOD has given me the courage to research and ponder this decision and I know now its my destiny. Its time I love myself and stop morning a lost childhood...I am making this my right of passage...as my weight is gone..gone will be my anger, loss, betrayal and all of those stored feelings regarding my mother and my childhood and in the end I will be free! Free to be me and not that fat dutiful daugher.

8-18-03
HOME AGAIN
They let me out on friday and the weekend went ok...I keep getting worried about the hydration aspect of my life now. I am still oozy from time to time and jittery but the Dr.office said its just anestesia coming out. I feel pretty good and I have to go get some of my vits in sublingual form I just can not take those horse pills. I feel ok, tire easy and have some tenderness, I hope in a few days will subside. I have to tell you all I came home to a battle. I elected not to tell my family and well, I know now what I expected was exactually what I got. They think it is a mistake and I am being selfish. Yes you heard selfish...I have underwent soooo much to get here and I did it without their help...and now I really dont have it. So, I am disowned! oh well, all I can worrie about is me right now. I tell you for every aspect of my life I am an adult except when it comes to my family, with them I am that fat dutyful Dana that causes no waves-except from time to time!LOL. Well, in this matter if they truely loved me they would put asside their anger over my not tellin them and help me heal...but the are not and alone I am-not. I have you beautiful people and I have my close group of friends and family that support me-who have always supported me. I guess someday things will settle down. The funny think was, my mother told my husband that I hope I do well, for my daughters sake..as if Im not gonna....GRRRR! Ignorant people...I will do better than do well...just need to get past this clear liquid period...

8-24-03
2weeks WOW
I am totally shocked time has went so fast and slow. I have to say this is not the easyest thing I have ever done more like the hardest. I have went through the clear liquid stage and that was not fun it separated me from my family and that was not easy. My DH really tryed to do things that would not make bother me but be forwarned that the first week is hell. I almost got sick from lack of potassium and my electrolites were off the doc put me on a day of V8 Juice and Power aide after that I felt so much better. My strenghth is not to what it was pre-op but I am getting better. I have been doing a soft diet which is not to bad cottage cheese, and yogurt, and potatos. I have to admit I take a bite of anything that I think is considered soft and go from there...Chew chew Chew and knock on wood no troubles. Scrambled egg were too rubbery but fried egg was not to bad..I ate some the yolk and white and was happy. I also had some riccatta cheese for dinner while my family had an italian calzone that went over pretty good...I am still learning what size food I can eat but I am being careful since I am only 2 weeks out. I go to the nutritian tomorrow.


My family has reowned me again and I have to say they dont agree with what I did and were very hurt -mostly my mother was hurt but after some thinking and people really tellin her she is being wrong with her actions she sent me roses and with a card that said " I will always love you" I balled for the rest of the day. My mother is very stern in her way of dealing with things and I was thinking she would never come around well I was lucky on this one after the roses mom stopped over to see me later that day and we hugged and I said I just could not tell her...and well she is known for the just drop it and we move on from here act but atleast I am not disowned anymore...She sais that She will be watchin me to make me succeed in this and I had better make sure because I will catch hell from her if I dont...that is her way of saying she cares...lol. My sister- well, she is 21 and is jealous. I dont have the energy to even fight her on this but if that is her problem then I will just wait her out she will need me someday and I will always be here. I was there in her past for help and will always be there in her future...She is bitter and theatened by my weightloss the rumor is that she will not respect me for my weightloss because I did not do it myself...What she dont know is this is the BIGGEST sacrafice of my life....ohhhh WELL Sacrafices bring good things in the end. Night all~

9-14-03
Fall
Time has flown by before I have realized it. I am about 5 weeks post op and life is getting easyer but things still is work. I am still learning and eat very little. I have discovered that my new stomach is not as sensitive as before and I am able to drink a somewhat normal drink except I cant chug...Trust me, just that milestone and it is wonderful. My family has adjusted somewhat, my mom is anti-emotion she does not give opinion either way and in some ways that is good and bad. I tell her about my losses and accomplishments and she gives me a small dinner plate when we eat over there. She does try and that I am thankful for. My sister well you know the soap opera about her and well my new phrase is...its her problem not mine...grin, it makes me feel good to not have issues about my weight. I still feel tired and hope this will pass. All in all things are progressing great! I can only wish that my Angel and friend Ang will begin her journey soon.

10-7-03
IM a looser~
WOW I can not believe what 2 months can do post op. I am now 50lbs down and feel so much better...Cloths are starting to fall off me and its weird..my mind is the same but the body is changing fast. I still feel fat~ I know I am not gettin the liquids in but I try. I have yet to find where my stress is going since my best friend food is no longer there to absorb my troubles. Its weird I dont really have any..Now~ I actually have to think what is put in my mouth and if I can actually tolerate it. I have learned to think before I eat..weird since we have always told ourselves we really should watch what we eat...I am tipical, Yes I have lossed a few cookies...called hotdogs, and dry chicken, & pretty much Dry anything...I also know that my gut requires an hour after meals to drink...or that liquid is like a huge knife stabbin me and will end up lossed. One thing I really miss is the sit down and eat with family time, since my gut gets full fast I must leave the table when I feel food-period-
My family has settled down to nonverbal concerne for me but sometimes I am sensitive with comments my mom makes. For example she might say referring my weight lost, "How much do you expect to loose by this" as if its just a phase...I know my goal is to loose 100lb and im half way in 2 months so I can be scarry for her-she is my mom- My sister well, she is still jealous but as I see it I am the same person just shrinking...she will or will not come around I dont care ~ Its her problem~.

I am not perfect and yes my boobs are deflating fast...pout! My nutritionist does not want me to supplement.. but I feel as though I will because my protein intake is not that great somedays...and I think if a breakfast of protein would start my day so much better and get in a good amount early. I am down to 237lb from 288 and am so thrilled.....whoo hoo! I am aimlessly rambling here but ya get the point...Still say some days I wish I were the old me but those moments are getting few and far between...Food does not have a priority in my life, just something I go through the motions in my day for nutrition. I dont get gradification from eating....and I dont need any anymore...really weird~

LONG FALL DAY~
10-19-03
This was a long weekend, I went out on Friday and the funny thing is when you can not "drink" you get inventive. I found that OJ / cran juice and lots of ice doesnt make me dump and it looks "pretty" lol. I sipped on that the whole night and was very content. I am now down to 235 and feel great, my family is concerned that my weight drop is too fast but I am not that worried I know that I will level off at my goal which is about 170 but if I am a little smaller that is not that bad. Like many out there I really dont know my size it changes with brands..but I am between a 18-and 22. This is sooooo wonderful, I am feeling the perks of loosing weight for a first time in my life. I have also noticed while dancing the other night that my legs need to tone better. So, I bought a tread mill.

My love life has also improved, since my DH and I both lost weight it seems that we have relight that old flame....something that is great because sometimes marriages dont last when one half gets self confidence....But, we have been together since we were 15 yo and well, our love is strong. We have had some difficult times in our past and the future looks better each day.

10-27-03
Change
Its strange how things change so fast. My body has changed but my head still things me fat something that has caused some heart ache between me and my best friend. I am happy to be experimenting with this new body minus 50 lb and she is still waiting her date and struggling with that extra 50lbs...Life is not fair sometimes...we began this journey together as in research and making each milestone preop but I was given the tool sooner and now I am hoping I wont loose her due to some unsensitive things that has come out of my mouth because I still view me as being heavy the same as she and to her Im not the equal anymore. I know our friendship will outlast this but it still hurts her and me as well to have tipped the scales but I know in time she and I will be fighting this battle once again.

My life has been ok except the issue over getting enough fluids. I try and try to drink but I just dont get in enough...and my PB is low..sometimes. When I eat I have to wait sometimes over an hour to drink so that puts me behind...I have finally permission to try protein drinks for a meal supplemnt. I am ordering samples and hoping that one atleast one I can tolerate. Ohh well, Im tired...post again soon~

11-4-03
Food Stuck Again

Tonight I ate some chicken and some sting beans for dinner and well, it just did not sit well. I ended up loosing my dinner and picking up a yogurt. I hate getting sick but I guess I am still learning...these episodes are getting few and far between but I am worried about my bones..I take my vits but I am still concerned. I can only hope as I level off in a few months I can build myself back up with muscle...I am walking on my treadmill not enough but I am doing more than I have so that is good~ The fluid intake is gettin better...I know I dont drink enough but I have never been a drinker...I try~ I feel weird sometimes...especially around food my old friend...kinda like a alcholic feels when given a glass of wine...But mine is I can not go off the deep end...my tool wont let me so I am more like pushed next to a really tall cliff and I can not climb it and the crumbs that fall down to me are all I really need. Ohh well, another day and Im kinda bummed...I hate math~ (college prerequsite I need to get my BA) lol..

11-23-03
GREAT NEWS~
I have great news, my angel and best friend Angela R has finally gotten her date and I am so happy for her. I have to admitt I have supressed my happyness over having so many new freedoms...from her simply because I dont want to hurt her feelings. NOW we will be once again the same and still battling the war against the skinny barbies..lol. The war is the same because once a fat girl always a fat girl in mind. Just loosing the 70 lb in 3 months has helped me sooo much it has given me more self esteem and the flip in my closit is too great instead of opening the closit and trying to find something that fit me bcause i was tooo big everything just falls off. I am down to about a 1X or a 18/20 top and 18/20 pants. I wish my middle would drop more and I need to begin more weight training to get rid of some of it. I am still trying to figureout my new pouch and each day it is different I can eat something and it goes down and then suddenly it sticks the next time...Ohh well I am so happy I did this. HEARS TO WLS!

12-19-03
My birthday and the date I began this journey
I can not hardly believe it one year has went by since I began and so much has happened. I am now within 5 lbs of being under 200 and that is such a thrill since the last time I was in that weight range I was 18 years old. Today I went shopping and I fit in a size 18 pants but the weird thing is I fit into extra large normal shirts. It really blows my mind walking throughout the entire woman section and not just the fat womans even though old habits die hard and I was in that section more. LOL. I am very glad I did this to myself and my family. There are somedays that I would really love to eat a plate of food like I use to but that fleeting moment passes fast. I nolonger have a pleasure from food it is more of a not quite nauseated feeling but just food, yea~ no gradification. I do have to kick up the fluids but I did endure the flu last week so I might be getting over that and that might be some of my adversion to food. My family is getting better, I hope once i shrink smaller than my sister things will settle back to normal..she still is very short and chooses to be that way but atlease she is not being a brat. My mother instead of taking me out to dinner got me a gift cert for a clothing store that was awsome I needed new pants....all of the hand me downs were very very baggy. I fit an 18-16 depending on style and I have been wearing 22ls..lol. Hey its been a long time since anything has been baggy..lol. Besides the clothing the changes are noticable...the weightloss is a given but my hair has lost the wonderful shine and health...but I knew it would happen. I try to get in my fluids and vits in but somedays i forget to get the second dose in. I really need to kick in a protein drink but everyone sucks~ They taste so yucky. Clumpy yucky powders and the canned grose tasting thick stuff...I give on that for now. Ohh well, its 4 months out for me and im downs 85 lbs and feeling great despite some of the downfalls Im happy.

1-5-04
Plateau..GRRR
YES~ I am officially on my first plateau...I have not lost anything more than a few lb back and forth but stay at 205. This is driving me nuts....I know the holidays were fun eating different heavy things but over all I did not gain and stayed the same. But now here I am- eating basically nothing but protein and cant loose...I am increasing my fluids and exercise longer on the treadmill in hopes to break this...I am so down but I have faith...I have 5 lb to be under 200 this is flustrating...i tell you. My goal is to be 160 and that is within my reach just 45 more lbs to go....I am down 83 lb so over all im doing pretty good for 5 months out.

Good news is my family is doing better, my sister is finally being more, I dont know the word but more social like she was but not to that point and my mother she occasionally will make a comment like " when you are done with this weighloss sh** you should perm or cut your hair...when your hair gets healthier...Yea~ which brings up another subject...MY HAIR! Pout! I watch it float down the drain in the shower each day and it seems very lifeless where no style looks good....and it seems almost greasy but not really...just very thin and lifeless. I dont get you look good or great weight loss from them( my family) but on occasion the kinda of complement I get do get from my mom would be something on the lines of " Id tell you to put your ass into it ( I was helping my gram with her wheel chair pushing it in the snow) but you dont have one left" I guess all in all I am SO HAPPY I DID THIS REGARDLESS OF ANYONES OPINION

NEW YEARS was very nice, I was not a big drinker before surgery and even after i do fine with juice mixture..that looks pretty cool if you have a good bartender. I have to say though if its too sweet I have gotten sick and hadto not drink it...watch the sugar in the drinks..i usually let the ice melt...take my time dance and have fun. Life is wonderful and I acknowledge how very fat I really was a state never again!!

2-14-04
Valentines~
WOW.. six month out and I am feeling great and the best part is I feel nomal not a huge blob anymore. That is the a personal goal i have actually hit. I have slowed down on weightloss and feel kinda down on it but I am really eating somewhat normal protein first and some vegies but I crave salt and sometimes sweets I dont go overboard but just one bite I am satisfied. I know the trouble is college fast pace sucks..I try to pack myself a small lunch so I do eat otherwise I would just skip it..and munch on junk...yes I have discovered that junk is tolerated. I feel in moderation I can have anything. EXCEPT...my favorite thing in the world...italian spaghtii. I just can not do pasta even in moderation...i guess its a blessing in discise..lol. I am very happy and know I have 6 more months to loose the 30 lbs to goal but at 6 mo out and 100 lb down i am happy in my heart and that has made my life so full and grateful I had the courage to do what I did for me and my family. My sister by choice just had her surgery the end of last month and I am so very happy for her..I know she will look and feel fabulous in such a short time...I just hope she does not get impatient...or she will pay...I know we all learn from our mistakes and its all trial and error but any pains i can help her with I want to.

Oh back to the holiday we really are not overly mush people-hubby just is not cleaver enough...anyway we made it a family late lunch at applebees I had steak and veg a bit of mash tadas and was full...I took the rest home for lunch tomorrow. We rented movies and cuddles our 2 year old till she went to bed. What a Vday...Life is good my size 16W pants are getting too large on me and I now can wear a Xlg shirt...I have always been busty but those are now sagging big time and this DD went to C pout but ohh well....life is good.

4-6-04
Easter
I did it~ I am now at my second major goal....100 lb lost...whoo hoo..........Life is good but im not saying its not without many sacrafices. I now have to watch my food and intake and know if its gona cause me nausea or to vomit on occasion. I also have to watch the contipation issue and or in reverse the diarea issue. I no longer live my life without thinking about body function when I eat something I have to be conscious of how certain foods make me feel.

This week is easter and I dont feel as though I will be left out of the candy thing because I have never been a candy person and if I want something I have a nibble- not alot it because it will make me nauseated...but sacrafices we make. I have been in a 3 month plateau but that is OK~ I was stuck at 95 lb lost for that amount of time and I was happy being 195 but I finally hit 188 my century mark...I now wear a 14 or 16 depending on maker and I am for the first time in many years NORMAL....

I eat pretty much everything...I stay away from rice or pasta( my favorite) sweets I really try to eat really good but Im human...I will really kick up my exercise this spring..I have batwing detail and thigh wing details to tend to..lol...I dont think there is such a think as Ass wing detail but that too...I need to tone everything....so that is my new goal...no to gain and to loose 30 more if i get there WOO HOO if not I will be tone and looking as good as I feel.........

I am so proud of my best bud we Ang she finally is on the loosing side and around 50 lb lost and feelin so good now...I keep tellin her she is on a honeymoon till about 4-5 months..then it gets harder to loose as much....She also has hit the vomit stage...Its when food is interduced and you have to get a handle on how much and how fast....do the wrong thing and out it comes....All in all Im so glad our journey from fatness into normalisy is on its way...

4-23-04
Changes

Its funny how life all around us changes when you change...the only thing is we have to change or adapt with it. I would like to say I have changed in a good way. I have gained confidence in life and everything in it and well, that is not without losses and hurts. I have endured my family issues you have read as much about above. But my hurts are the unexpected one that really hit you hard..and they are the ones that really makes you want to curl in a corner and be fat again, or eat again...just so things would be back to what they were before. I am saddened by this change. I have lost something in a friendship and I really want it back but I dont think it will ever be the same again. We are still very tightly bonded just our friendship is different somehow... My wisdom from this experience, I am happy with life and so grateful for this surgery and the tool but please expect it to cause you to change as well as your friendships. Change is the constant in your life from here on in and make sure you communicate with your friends so you will not have experience a loss like I am.

6-4-04
HAPPY BDAY AMERICA
I first will begin in saying Im at a stand still in weightloss but I am happy at the weight I am right now....as always tone tone tone but I feel good emotionally and physically. I have a great marriage, family but I just can not bridge what went wrong in my friendship. We have always been the fat sisters...filling each other with self esteem when each needed it. Well, both post op, I just dont know what went wrong. I did have a really hard college sememster where I have never traveled to college long distances before and the demand of me was beyond what I have ever had to endure thus far. I did meet a new friend, she is a barbie doll and is very very nice and we just found out in the middle we are distant cousins...and I have never known that family b4~ I was illigitament...tipical 16 and pregnant my mother was...ohh well, Our new friends, lived close to us and had a hot tub. I benefitted from their company and the hottub I hate to admitt it. I am not sure if I would not have made it through 16 plus hours of oil painting and drawing a day if I did not have that theapy. SO, back to my best friend I just would like to find our bond and return it to the way it was b4 but feel life does not happen like that....I find myself in the middle of her life issues and feel I must take a stand, and because of my own morals we are not anylonger in good standings in our friendship. She is my sista always~ but its just not the same. WE have both evolved into having other friends and in the past we have had friends but so, I am at a delema now...what makes us change so much and get messed up in the head after surgery...and why did this bug not bite me?


9-27-04
Catching up-Sorry~

Life seems to be on a highway in the fast lane unless your car is sputtering do you really take the time to notice what goes on around you. I for one am guilty however, I was here on my year date and seemed to have lost all that was written so, here goes a brief sumation on my last year. If you have read above you have gotten the jist of my life but besides the stuggles there has been great times and not so great unexpected bumps in the road if you will. I have settled into a nice 182-185 weight which still needs to go down 15 more for me to be really happy but Im not complainging. I am so glad I got this tool it has given me a life to live...one that is not surrounded by food and a life that includes soo much more NOW that I can, and my hubby ( down 65 lb just not eating the carbs we used to eat) do more active things. We have discoved our love of each other and our family and still plan to have another baby next summer. My family accepting but not so much my sister who still is gaining weight but the irony is ...I may not be as big as a house and she is getting there...(moms term-read above) my sister is still pampered. I tell you now her being heavy will be the excuse....I give up understanding the family dynamic especially now that I have my confidence. My family MOTHER and SISTER are no longer people that can take my self esteem and drive over it. I just do my thing and let them be shallow together...Im free~ giggles.

One thing I did not expect was the change in relationships namely my best friend. We have been through so much including sugery and we remain friendly its not the same. I feel I dont know her anymore. I did back away some time ago because I was sad I was first to loose weight ( we had 7 months apart sugeries)and did not want to hurt her so I backed up and I know it hurt her but also me but so much is life...After her date I was there for her as much as I could...anyway we revert back to that highway goin 80. So much as happened in our friendship and some her fault and some my own which I find to be very sad. I miss the true friendship we had....(pout). Word to the wise...always expect the unexpected...just like driving your car.
My life has had its ups and downs...I am seeking employment again...I changed my life direction and progressing into an employment directed life and not just a college driven life. I really seek to find my career where ever it is and make some good money and provide for my family and finish my college in the spare time. I want the house, white picket fence dream....

I guess my summation to all this rambling is to project your life one year from today or the date of surgery and view your self 100 LBs gone-poof- you look great, you feel great, and you have the confidence robbed you many years ago- now what? I tell you expect the changes this tool offers and you will not have to worry about a pot hole swallowing your whole car. burp~

01/22/05
Fat Blob again~
There is not place on here you will read that your every dream will come true. However, it does give you a new leash on life. For me I have underwent so many changes in my life the past year and half that my head is still spinning. I look great and feel better but ya know what because you start in society as a fat blob,you remain one deep down inside.

I have just underwent a really depressing time in my life and the realization is no matter how much weight I loose I will always feel and look and act fat. For example, I planned a coworker night out bowling. And, my coworker (the girl I trained ) was the entertainment often times at my expense(at work and this outing). She enjoys making me look bad, i just ignore her and her comments but lately they are really getting to me. She is tall, busty and lean-far from my stumpy wrinkly figure~ At the bowling thing we had 9 or so coworkers there...she put everyone putting in lanes of 3- all week we were planning our "teams" but again I did not make the cut. And she put me and my hubby last. I felt like I was fat and in highschool again where no one chose the fat girl they ended up with her.

I dont wanna work with her anymore, I am reverting to emotional eating all of this is putting me back 16 months and I really dont know how to stop it. Watch out for those that like return you to a blob with out even knowing it.

11/29/05
wow~
Life has changed for the better! I still am working with that very same coworker and we have had our ups and downs but she is the attention getter single woman. I have found my knitch- I have made several friends and have found who I am for a change. I have not lost anymore and have actually gone up and down but all in all I have matured into my new body and im at a loss of 110 lb. I would like to loose anther 30lb but if not im happy. I would love to get a skin life though. My boobs just dont belong under my arm pits and my under arms I really self conscious about and mostly my middle...it could use being lifted. I am sure If I went that avenue I would loose my additional 30 and be a perfect size 12 but as a 14/16 I am happy and normal that in its self was my quest from the beginins 2 years ago.

1/25/06
TIME FLYS~
I can not believe how time has flew, I am not at goal but still working very hard. Over the summer last we purchased a house and did heavy renovations where I came with in 5 lbs of goal. Goal being 165, but over the fall and winter I have put on what I call as a holiday unwanted gift....10lbs and I really feel it- the old insecurities are returning and I need to take a better look @ what I am eating now, yes the carb monster is back in full force. I have and will always battle him...I know. I have cut out all carbs like post surgery and have seriously reverted to lots of liquids and protein. I see and feel a difference already. I have to say my self esteem has improved and my overall life goal has been satisfied as far as my weight and being accepted as a person not a ignored fat blob. I have worth, and am attractive- that in its self is really a mind explosion. But I would tell everyone that is looking @ this surgery do it- but do not think it will be easy years down the road. We have the old habits that need to die or you will return to your large self. I know what I need to do to shape up- I have done it and will loose the 10lb and more. One huge lession I would pass on is keep with the diet, never revert to old habits consider them lost loves and never to return- number 1 being eating CARBS!!! number 2 lots of water and last number 3 exercise a lot....thats all folks. We have the tool and its up to us to use it.....

8-12-06 Life is GREAT!
IT has been 3 years since of wonderful changes my life my family every part of me has now ajusted to being just plain nomal. I would love to loose another 30 lb but it is not that high on my priority list. I have been encouraging my hubby to look into this tool only because his weight is becoming unhealthy.....but that is a decision only he can make. Well, my little girl is now 5 years old and just the other day I was running around with my daughter in the back yard while she road her go cart. That was something just 3 years ago I was not able to do.

8-13-07
4 YEARS- WOW!
I have to say that I have reached my goal and goals I did not think were possible. I began this with the object of being a "real" Mom where I can ride rides at the fair and do those wonderful things with my daughter. Well, this year has blessed me with a Son. I had a great pregnancy! I gained just about 40lbs and here I am 3 weeks after birth and I have 15 lbs left and one size to go down to my pre-prego size. I have to say that is pretty good considering my son was 9LBS!!!! For the most part I kept off the 100lbs I lost even with being prego for a year....and that was scarry making myself eat extra despite I was not hungry....but- Trevor Joseph was born July 19th on his great grand Mothers 81st Bday. My life is complete and I would in a minute do it all over again.
I will have to tell anyone that reads my story that 4 years post is not easy keeping it off....the old habits can come back so easy....but we go to this extreme for a reason...

4 years post op- total weight loss 110lbs
3weeks post pregnancy - total weight gain-40 lbs
15lbs to loose yet. ( I know I can do it)!

HUGS kisses! Dana

12/30/07
Time does fly, My boys is a bouncing 5 mo and I love him so much !!! But, I have to say being a new mom has put 20lbs on me that even harder to get rid off..... Now after the holidays I plan on working out and watching intake more than ever. I want to loose the 20 plus 10 more....by his first bday.....This goal is reachable...and to think about it to have my son was the reason I did this surgery....We all have trade offs in life- weight gain vs. new son...so worth it.
As always being 4 years ops op...the weighloss is something I must work at just like before....ITs the food we eat and amounts.....lots of water is the trick... I just got to practice what I preach.....smile! HUGS@

5/9/11
WOW time has flown since I have been here....I am unhappy to update that I am still plus my baby weight of 30lbs and recently was informed that my acid reflux is due to a dialated stoma and a slight enlarge pouch.  I might be looking at a Stoma Fix proceedure but who knows as its fairly new.  I just hope they can help with the reflux as its discomforts cause me to eat carbs similar to being pregnant....UGH!  Current weight is 210lb NOT what I where I want to be!!! I am seriously working on it. 

9/11/11
OK here is the 411, I am sched for exploritory surgery tomorrow for a hernia repair.  I so hope they find the cause of the pain in the left lower gutt because I have had this prob for years and has progressed to charlie horse type spasms.  I can not life, bend over w/o these things from happening then after I get a "stitch" in my gutt like a runners get... I have changed doctors as I felt this other bariatrics practice has better bedside manner and attentiveness to patient concerns.  Without sounding negatice I wish to say I hope this surgery is a fix to the years of pain in my side.  YES~ weight is up again 220 ( why can I get a handle on the weight..?)  I know my weight is reasonable but I did not go through all I go through in life sacrafices to have failed after childbirth.....I depresses me!

0 Comments