denyse51204
Feeding frenzie at the pity party ...
May 24, 2013
As a compulsive/emotional eater and bulimic, there are more excuses to eat than reasons not to. My weight loss surgery was just a tool in the toolbox and not a cure for the obsessive-compulsive that runs around inside my head some days and tells me I need food to stop her from going insane. Sometimes I hear this voice inside my head that almost sounds like Audrey, Jr. from the musical version of "Little Shop of Horrors," telling Seymour - "FEED ME!" The problem is, just like the plant - I'll grow exponentially if I give in to the whims of the voice.
I go to my annual post-op check-up on Wednesday, and just like I have for the last 8 years, I'm already planning my post visit binge. I told myself today, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to stop and eat over the fact that I'm up 5 pounds, or the scale isn't showing exactly what I want it to. The inside of my head is like it's own asylum and the squirrels have been let out of their cages. The irrational thoughts, wrapped around food are amazing sometimes. I wonder what Freud, Jung or Adler would have to say about the need to control what I eat, how I eat it, when I eat it, and whether or not I'm in the company of others when I do. I've read differing opinions about addiction to food and eating disorders that I can surmise and analyze all I want to. It all comes down to the fact now, that I have no choice in (eating). Self-knowledge avails me nothing. I have had WLS and have this tool, but choosing to use it is up to me.
I belong to a 12-step recovery program that allows me a daily reprieve from my obsession over food, alcohol, sex, and people/places/things. Somehow I haven't seemed to be able to turn my food addiction, and obsession over in surrender. Although I know that drinking alcohol won't solve anything, somehow I still compulsively stuff my emotions down carbohydrates as if the sugar will be like "momma kissing booboos," and everything will be all better. The only thing that changes is my obsession gets worse, the scale jumps upward and my obsession over the weight gets worse. I get back onto the rollercoaster I thought I jumped off in 2004.
This year, my goal is to stay off the rollercoaster and start walking beside it. My daughter and I have been riding bikes, walking and doing yoga. I am a compulsive eater/bulimic and a work in progress. I'm giving up control today and sharing my obsession with you in hopes that I can walk through this week without binging/purging or stuffing my fears.