scared of whats to come

Feb 10, 2013

I was always a thin girl and had a lot of attention from the boys, I was vain and only thought of myself. Then life hit me and I changed into a large woman a understanding strong woman who was a better person. I have had my ups and downs with my weight all through my adult life. after my children I became single and since I was a teen mom I never had the chance to party so that is what I did. I lost a lot of weight and became that stuck up vain person again. It has now been 11 years since I have partied and also been over weight again. I started out slowly and then by 28 I quite smoking and bam the weight piled on. I am 34 219 lbs as of today and I am less then 2 months away from my surgery date. I have been waiting for this day to come for a very long time. Doing the research and talking to others that have had success I know everything there is to know about what to expect. However I am so scared right now, I do not want to go back to that vain person I do not want my weight loss to change who I am anymore. I am scared of looking different so fast to my spouse and kids, They have always seen me large and it will be a big change for them. My spouse met me large and fell in love with the large, Even though he was with small woman before me. I fear he may not be attracted to me any more when I am thin. My boys say they cant picture me thin even thought I have a lot of pictures from before, .they say they cant wait for me to be able to play basketball with them. (I use to play in high school) They cant wait to see me ride a bike since I never have in their life time. But I am scared they wont know me or that my emotions will get the best of me. I read things all the time about people who after surgery are depressed and hate them self even more then before. I am scared of loss skin that is my biggest fear. I mean I know we all will get it in some way or another but I am large everywhere and I had 3 C-sections. As it is now my tummy sits low I don't want the skin to hang low too. Ok so yes I just laid out all my fears about having the surgery and I think it is normal for me to  feel this way. I am still very excited about my surgery and my fears will not stand in my way of a healthier life for me and my family. I want to be strong like I am in everything else in my life but this time it is a little hard and I need as much support as I can get the next few months. My family and friends are great but since they have no clue on what I am feeling or what I am going through I would love some feed back from you guys out here on how you felt before surgery and how worth it it is in the end. I know we all write that in our journey but reading it is less personal to me then you replying to my blog. Thanks everyone for reading hope to hear from you soon...

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