Reasons

Mar 18, 2014

A good friend of mine passed away last week. He was a taxi cab driver and it looks like someone tried to rob him... murdered him in cold blood. When they found his body the meter in his cab was still running. I don't even have words for what I feel inside right now but I have not been able to stop crying. I am sad... I am angry. He did not deserve to be hurt like that and I don't understand why he, of all people, would have to leave this earth in such a harsh way. My mind doesn't comprehend all the reasons and my heart is hurting but I can only trust in the God of my understanding and pray that one day, I will find peace with this. He was a gentle soul... good and kind in every way. Always positive and encouraging, no matter the circumstance. He was my friend.

His funeral is today, it is going on as I write this post. I knew I would not have the strength to go. I don't want to say good bye so I whispered my peace to him last night. I told him I loved him, that I was proud of the man he had become, that he inspires me to live my life and follow my dreams, I thanked him for never judging me, and for making me feel important... but most of all I told him I was sorry. I am sorry I postponed so many lunch dates, sorry I cancelled so many opportunities to just hang out with him over the last few months. I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't spend time with him and it was all because of my insecurities with my weight. I have gained so much and I allowed that and the way I feel about myself to rob me of what would now be precious moments with a good friend. So many times he called, texted, literally begged for my time. He just wanted to hang out. But I was too preoccupied with being fat and feeling ashamed. I told myself "when I lose this weight, I will feel better about myself and I will be able to go hang out with him and not feel uncomfortable. I never got the chance... he is gone now and a part of me knows that he could have cared less about my weight, he just wanted to spend time with ME.

I believe in Jesus Christ, and everlasting life. I believe everything happens for a reason and though I may never understand this... I believe that for me, the lesson is plain. Stop waiting to live my life! Grant it, I may not feel I am at my best because I am so overweight, but I cannot allow something as superficial as how much I weigh to rob me of life, and love, and precious relationships. I have to stop using my scale to measure my worth.  I am so much more than my dress size and I believe my friend saw that and he accepted me for me.  

It's amazing how we can be our own worst enemies and cheat ourselves out of so many wonderful things in life. I decided from now on, I am not going to wait on this surgery to Live and be who I am. Life if way too short to be so caught up in appearances. I don't ever want to feel this type of regret again in my life. So to everyone, everywhere, who may be waiting for this surgery to start living... Don't wait, start living right now! Whatever dreams, relationships, hopes, goals, and passions you have, go after them with all your heart! Allow those who want to love you for who you are to do so. Stop measuring your worth based on how much you weigh... You are so much more than that. We deserve love and happiness and it is up to us to allow those good things into our lives. 

Live True and Love Hard Friends, for tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Rest in Paradise my dear friend, Benjamin Delano Kirby. Thank you...for everything. You will forever be in my heart.

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