Life sucks. Death sucks more.

Dec 21, 2009

Let me preface this by saying I am not looking for sympathy.  I think I just need to vent and get it out of my system.

We had to put one of our dogs down yesterday.  It's the first time I've had to deal with that.  It sucks, there's no other way to say it.  It especially sucks because once the appointment was made she suddenly decided to start eating again.  She decided not to spend the day lying around.  Suddenly she appeared steady on her feet.  And I'd swear she could hear again.

I don't know how much of this was factual and how much was feelings of intense guilt.  She would have turned 15 next month.  She dropped from 72 lbs to 60.  She had no quality of life.  I know all of this.  But it still sucks.  I could have canceled the appointment.  And who knows, I may have ended up spending yet another hour in the middle of the night on the floor with her in the hallway, because she had yet another seizure and couldn't move.  I could have gotten up this morning and cleaned up yet another puddle or pile because she couldn't make it through the 5 hours or so that I sleep at night.  I could have taken her out this morning and had to help her up the stairs once more.

Everyone keeps saying to remember her when she was an active, vital dog.  Truth is, she's been steadily declining over the last several years.  I have more memories of her as an old lady with ills and ailments than I do of her being a young and active dog.  Yeah I know, that right there should tell me a lot.  But my other 2 dogs miss her.  My grown children are inconsolable.  And I will always pray that I did the right thing.

Rest in peace, Jessie.

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