Navytown Mom
Keeping it real...
Nov 08, 2010
I never thought that this was going to be an easy fix for me. However, as I said in the past I never knew it would be so hard. Since I am an emotional eater, this past few weeks has been devastating to my success. I need not make any excuses other than it has been my lack of will-power and my inability to deal with the stresses in my life in a productive way. Coming out of my marriage I am now faced with having to make all new friends and/or reconnect with the ones that I have lost. Thus the result of some issues in my marriage that resulted in me not having contact with friends over the years. Now at the age of 33 I am starting over and it's not easy by any means especially having a toddler in tow. Yet, she is my priority, my love and my joy that abounds me daily. In the last few weeks I was able to get my support situation handled which has been a relief to some extent. I am still in constant battle with the guilt trips that my ex gives me daily. I have tried to not have contact with him but its difficult when he shows up at my church and constantly leaves messages on my phone and calls my house to speak to our daughter. At times, I feel so helpless and depressed...like I will never be free of him that he will never stop trying to torture me. I have tried to escape the pain and go do things that I enjoy, like the gym. I even went shopping with my sister one day, which I haven't done in years...that was such a good time and I really enjoyed it.
However, I still haven't met or really hit it off with friends. I have gone back to my face book account to reconnect with people and try to make new friends. It's so much harder than I imagined that it would be. Now with the weather turning colder I will be forced to workout in a gym. I have been going to the navy base to work out but they don't offer a childcare room. They do have a family room with 4 pieces of equipment and you basically watch your kids while you work out. It's doable but I never get a full workout due to lack of equipment and the inability to workout for lengthy periods of time. I have yet to meet anyone at the gym. I just say hello to them but no major conversations with people of either sex. So I am going to look for a gym that has a daycare in it so I can get a full workout and not worry about my daughter. Plus it would be less of a strain on me trying to get my ex to watch her or someone else too.
I have also hit a brick wall with the people at work. I feel like they are trying to sabotage me in different ways. One instance I was told that I couldn't wear a particular outfit because I had on leggings and the top was too short even though it came to the middle of my thigh. Yet, I noticed yesterday that one of my co-workers had on a top about the same length with leggings and they let her wear it and never said a word. So in my mind I wonder...is that because I was obese at one time? So I am being punished even still...I work hard to tone my body and I am proud of how far I have come. I applaud myself for being able to do a 2 hr workout and stay on the elliptical unlike so many others at my work that are so judgmental. Everyday I get negative looks and hear whispers behind my back but yet I still keep my head up and I am trying to work toward my goals in life. People are nosy, judgmental and jealous because I am making changes and have made different choices in my life. They continue to make comments about how much food I eat, why I am going back to college and how I should live my life.
I only have to answer to myself and to God. My duty in this world is to live my life to the best of my ability to honor and glorify God and be the most respectable parent that I can be. My goals are to meet new people, make friends, eventually meet a good man, change my career and continue to live a healthy life which includes eating right and exercising. I will get this weight off that I have gained in the last few weeks and I will not allow myself to be the victim that I once was. I must take control of my actions and continue on my journey. I will be accountable for my food intake, my exercise and my spending.
I hope that all who read this have continued success and receive some encouragement knowing that you are not alone in this journey. There are people who love you and accept you for who you are without judgment no matter where you are in your journey.
Hugs...Susan
