Yet another road bump in my journey...

Jan 25, 2011

Well another day and I am enthusiastic about life. I know that God has a plan for me and I am excited to get to the good part. There has to be a good part right?? I mean before I had WLS I was thinking "ohh if I could get the approval" then it was "ok, now I am approved but if my surgery date would hurry up and get here" then it was " now if I could lose 100 lbs" then it was "when I get to Onederland!" now I am trying to maintain at goal (I have gained some weight back) and I am trying to move on with my life. I only want the things surrounding me to match my new lifestyle and I want to clear out the junk and get to the good part in life. I am begining to realize that it's not so much as getting to the end but I must be enjoying the journey. All too often I over look the good stuff in the middle and expect to make it to goal...all the while forgetting to stop to smell the roses in between. There are days when I totally forget to nurture myself, to take the time to do something for me...I still have to make me "a priority" and it's hard. I mean after living my life this way for as long as I can remember it's not that easy to change my habits. I must say in the last few weeks I havent worked out...and I need to. I have let myself get wrapped up in relationships or trying to start a relationship and it hasn't worked out. I have been thinking of going to a 12 step program to get some help. I have already taken some steps to rectify some of the hurt and bring closure to my past relationships. I wrote a note to my 1st husband and mailed it to him. I can't bear the thought of speaking to him for fear of rejection and for the fact that I would just cry and cry, my fear is that he wouldnt listen to me.

So back to the last few months...I have teetered in the thought that I would try to have a relationship. I started seeing a trainer for a few weeks, it lasted about a month but I felt that since it wasnt really going anywhere that we should end it. My thought is that I wanted him to make time for me, he wanted a friend w/benefits to fit into his schedule and that just wasn't my idea of a healthy relationship. So I ended it with him, then a week or two went by.

I met a guy that is a counselor, and it's been good but he seems like he's holding back. I really like spending time with him and I would love to do things together as a couple but he doesn't do much. Then there are days where he doesn't call or text or anything but yet he takes the time to post on FB. So if he can find time to go to FB he should have the time to just send me a quick "Hi, Im thinking of you" type note. So this has been the 3rd weekend now that he's ignored me on a Sunday, this time I didn't text him back...Monday comes around and he text me and I didnt text back. I needed to think about what I want and expect from him. If this is someone that I talk to daily and I spend time with then I expect him to be honest with me and up front. I told him from the begining that I was not looking for a friends w/benefits relationship. I wanted to have someone in my life that is a companion, friend, lover and be a father to my child. I know all of that would come with time but even in the begining he should have respect for me and treat me decently. I can't stand how men text or email people in your presence, if you are spending time with me then spend time with me not with your phone trying to hook up with someone else. So that's where I am at now.

Frustrated, hurt, disappointed. I feel that I am the only person that I can count on to not hurt me. I am tired of it, I feel that I have been led away from my original focus which was to care for myself, become closer to God and take care of my daughter. Now, I have sinned, I smoked a cigarette, drank a beer and been intimate an honestly it has not been in my plan. I am now more unhappy than I was before and I just wish that these people had not been in my life. I am not sure why they are but I plan on seeing that I get back on track.

I am afraid, so afraid that I might not have more children...you see I love my daughter dearly. She is the best thing that has happened to me and I really want a family. My biggest dream in life is to be a mom again. I adore being pregnant, being a wife, helping around the house, having a dependable person to come home to, I want to be loved. I want a good husband, good father, and decent provider...someone I can trust. I don't have to have a great house or a brand new car...I just want to be loved, adored and live a good Christian life and a big family. I have had so many people tell me that is what they want too but only to find out that they just want into my pants. It's really sad and I am sad to say that I has put a damper on my dream, I no longer want to look for that special man to share my life with. I am praying that God will help me get back on the path that I need to be on.

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