well, you know, i have continued to post my progress, but i feel that now i am safe enough in examining all the things that got me here. this may a bit long, and not designed to invoke sympathy, but rather to just chronicle my journey and as a catharsis of sorts...
i was a thin child, till about 3rd grade, then i ballooned-don't really know what happened, both parents were overweight. i seemed to always stuggle with wanting my mom's approval, and sought that out incessently. being a good eater was one way to get that. i was and still am a "daddy's girl".
by ninth grade i had my first boyfriend, and i started dieting--starvation dieting, diet pills, and laxatives "helped my lose 30 lbs over 1 summer, and i thought i had found the cure to my weight problems. my boyfriend made many comments about don't get fat, dont end up fat like you mom, etc. which fueled my need to stay thinner. i had officially tranferred my need for approval to him. that relationship was dysfunctional from the start, but i thoought i would never "get" anther boyfriend, so i tolerated it. he encouraged my taking diet pills and laxatives, in fact. but that didn't stop him from being unfaithful. and in my mind, that fueled my own feelings of "not being good enough". we dated all through high school, and after i graduated, i again stepped up my efforts to lose some more weight-i wanted to be a size 5, never mind the fact that my body fram wasn't condusive that size, i was gonna make it happen. the harder i tried to lose, the more he cheated. finally in my freshman year of college, i fit into that illusive size 5, for all of about 3 months, then i discovered i was pregnant. oh, my...my parents were devestated, and my dad cried. Silly me, I was jst so happy. I thought that meant all would be good, we would get married, and he wouldn't cheat anymore, because now he had a "family"--ha. the night we got married-civil wedding-he stayed out all night with another girl, and stupid me, i stayed with him anyway. his marriage philosphy was i was married and pregnant, but he was not and could do whatever he pleased. the relationship deterioted worse, and became physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. he basically cut me off from my family, iolsated me from my friends, and did as he pleased, becoming increasingly controlling. i stayed for whatever reasons, i don't know. when my daughter was 2 yrs old, i found out i was pregnant again. after my younger daughter was born, i began to have troulbe with maintaining my weight, and as stress at home with an abusive and absent husband increased, so did my weight. i started talking about wanting to leave him, to which he would tell me " your stupid, your fat, your ugly, you have 2 kids and your p***y is all used up, no one else will want you". my porr sick defeated brain believed him. silly, silly girl!
when the baby was a year old, he moved out, got his own apartment, but would still come over alot, and his many other girlfriends would even call my house looking for him-what?? mygirls were getting bigger, and finally the straw that borke the camels back, so to speak, whas when my older daughter was 5 yrs old, the girls were asleep, and their dad was at our house. i had come home from working a 12 hour shift, and he wanted to have sex. i told him i was tired, etc. he told me get into the bedroom, and i told him to just go home, i wanted to go to bed. he said to me " you're gonna make me hit you, aren't you?" i siad "i am not gonna make you do anything, you are gonna do exactly what you want", to which he hauled of and socked me in the face. I got my keys, went to the hospital, and when i came home, he was asleep. he got up in the morning and left, and my older daughter came out to living room and said mommy, what happened to you eye? oh, never mind, she said, my daddy hit you again, huh? that was it, i was done. i could no longer set the example to my daughters that that was acceptable, and i filed for divorce. needless to say, our divorce was a long and ugly battle, and my weight continued to increase, up, up and up. 
i won't go into detail on the divorce, cus that would just take too much time, but it went on for years, fighting for custody, etc.
fast forward to my 30th birthday, i got my final divorce papers in the mail on my birthday, and decided to see a doctor agout my weight. he put me on phen-fen, which again, i thought worked wonders. never mind all the scares, i was loosing. i lost 70 lbs, and withing 10 lbs of the goal i had set for myself, and the fda pulled it from the market. well, wouldn't ya know, within 6 mos, all my weight, plus some was back.
well, now i am 40, and i have lost so much weight with the help of the life saving surgery that i have had, my duaghters are stretching their wings, my relationship with pancho is not on the stongest of grounds, and my perspective is changing. my relationship with my parents is wonderful, i can't ever inagine not being close like we are nowand with their financial help, i saved my life and my health for myself, no one else. it seems that this is the first thing i have reall done for me and only me. looking back on all t hat i have been through in my life, and survived, well, then i can do anything! my perspective has changed in the following ways: i am trying to unlearn all of my codependent behaviors, to take care of me, "keep my side of the street clean", know to do the right things, be responsible for myself and my feelings, and let others bo the same. pancho's addiction issues are not mine, and i need to leave them alone, and today, where i am right this minute, is that i really am ok with my life, i am abundantly blessed, and if things don't work out between he and, well then, i can handle tthat, and if we do get to a better place and remain together, than that is god's plan.
i guess it is about time stop, as it has gone on long enough, but i really feel better putting it all in writing.
love to you all wherever you are in your journey
jamie