ObesityHelp

So...my one year has come and past and as I look at the last year of my life I reflect... Having the surgery was definately one of the best decisions that I have ever made in my life. I don't regret it at all. My life has changed more in this last year then it had ever done-through all aspects of life in my entire life. I have experienced more this last year then ever before. I have learned more about myself, my limits, my abilities, my feelings, my tendancies, my friends, the way that I think...everything. I look back at the year and there were definately hard times, many in fact, losing the weight didn't solve all of my problems like I initially thought that it would. I learned that I was blaming too many of the bad things that were going on in my life on my weight and after losing the weight now, I have had to learn how to deal with those things and how to deal with the feelings that came from learning that it wasn't just the weight, but that the weight was just the easiest scapegoat. I look back at the last year and I concede that college is a time for experimentation, college is a time about learning about yourself, college is a time of change, college is a time of personal growth, but when you add the fact that I was also undergoing a time of drastic physical change, a time of drastic change in social oppertunities, a time of drastic change in available oppertunities, a time of drastic change in personality (with a new sense of confidence), it is just so much bigger. There were a lot of times that I look back on that I just think, "What the hell were you thinking?" or "I can't believe that happend!" or "Why did I let that happen?" or "Who is that person?" I think that with my weight change all of these other oppertunities came into my life: guys, partying more, new friends, challenges with the old friends, spending too much money on clothes, family challenges, feelings of jealousy from others, my own desire to be in the "middle of everything," my inability to say no (which comes from never being able to say yes before), my lack of trust in what God has planned for myself...there is just so much that I learned about myself when I lost my weight and just kind of let myself live not thinking too hard about anything else but what was directly ahead of me-and sometimes not even that. After all of these challenges came though, they went. I grounded myself and reflected on my life. I took the experiences that I had and appreciated that I had them because if I hadn't I would never have learned from them. I took the challenges that I had undergone and remembered the things that I liked about myself before and took what I liked about myself now and created a person that is a mixture. Hopefully it is the right mix, probably not perfect yet, but a mix none-the-less. I now realize that I have been given the best oppertunity of my life, I have been given the oppertunity to re-create myself. Over the course of a year I have tried out a lot of different types of people...I have done a lot of different things, some good, some bad, some indifferent. And I realized that I don't need to be any one catagory of person, I can be whomever I want. And I think that I know now what I want. I want to be a girl that is focused. I want to be motivated, I want to be committed, I want to be diligent, I want to be a good listener, I want to be a follower sometimes and a leader other times, I want to be fun, I want to be able to party when the time is right and go to bed early when the time is right, I don't want to feel guilty about my choices, I don't want to hurt the people around me, I don't want to be a conformist, I don't want to be a Monday through Friday Christian, I don't want to be obsessed with what others think of me, I want to be confident, I want to be reassured that there is only one love that I am striving for everyday-God's, I want to be uplifting to others, I want to be satisfied, I want to be healthy, I want to enjoy what I have and be happy for others who are enjoying what I want and they have. I want to love myself the way that I am and I want others to love me for the way that I am. Without this surgery and the experiences that followed it I would have never learned all of this. I thank God everyday for the oppertunity to not only get healthier from this surgery, but for the oppertunity to get to know the real Jennifer that I knew was there, but just couldn't find on my own. A good Christian song that just gets it: Something Beautiful-Newsboys I wanna start it over I wanna start again I wanna new beginning One without any end I feel it inside Calling out to me Chorus: It's a voice that whispers my name It's a kiss without any shame Something Beautiful Like a song that sirs in my head Singing love will take us where Something's Beautiful I've heard it in the silence Seen in on a face I've felt in in a long hour Like a sweet embrace I know this is true It's calling out to me Chorus It's the child on her wedding day It's the daddy that gives her away Something Beautiful When we laugh so hard we cry It's the love between you and I Something Beautiful

I don't know what it is...I don't know if it is something that I'm eating or drinking, but lately I have been having the worst gas ever. Burping and farting (tmi?). And it hurts! I have had the farts before, and they are stinky sometimes, but now they are stinky and my whole tummy hurts. I don't know what it is.

My close friend has a cholicy 3 month old and I've never understood why they cry so much and not just fart it all out...well...now I do. It is hard sometimes. It feels similar to just post-op when you had that gas from the surgery. omg...I think that I am going to start keep a food diary to try and find out if it is something related. Maybe that will help keep me more accountable for the shit I've been eating too and jump start some more weight loss.

Well...it has been a little while, but I wanted to update on y life and how I am doing...

I am almost 9 months post-op now. I have lost about 80 pounds and have been around 160 pounds for about 5 months now. I wish that I would be losing more weight, but I'm not right now. I don't know why I plateaued or seemed to stop losing so early after surgery...maybe it is because I am pretty much at my doctor's goal already. I would still like to lose about 25 pounds. I am still working out relatively consistantly and I try to make it to the support group meetings at least once a month. I can eat almost anything...within moderation. I have become lactose and tolerant pretty badly since about December...which is wierd that it didn't happen until then.

Psychologically I am still a bit psyched about my weight loss. It is hard for my mind to deal with the weight loss. I still have a lot fo the same insecurities that I had when I was overweight and I still act on them like I did before I lost weight. I still look at clothes and don't think that they are going to fit and I still look at my old pictures and think that they look the same. I am feeling discouraged that my weight has stablized, and I feel a fear every morning when I wake up that this is going to be the best...that I am not going to lose one more single pound, and would I be happy with that.

I remember my mom asking me what size I would be happy with before I had my surgery. I told her that I would be elated with a size 12. Well...size 12 has come and gone and the satisfied feeling is still not here. I am worried that I will just never be happy with myself and I know that is an awful feeling to have your whole life.

I want to love myself, I want to be comfortable with myself, I really want all of this...how can I get it??

My life has been pretty crazy, I will do an update soon. I have pretty much been at about the same (around 160) for a few months now.