Tiny Daggers

May 03, 2011

Tomorrow is my final pre-op apointment with my surgeon where I will be given a surgery date for my RNY. I can't believe the moment is almost here. I have been fighting this battle for so long and have experienced so many wounds to my self esteem over the past 18 years that have stayed with me, haunting me. I call them my tiny daggers, and they are stuck in my heart for now. I hope to be able to remove them after my RNY.

Tiny Dagger #1
I was 25 or so and at my favorite club. A group of drunken sorority girls was holed up in one of the two bathroom stalls while their friend hurled her guts up. The extremely long line of people waiting for the one available toilet were getting very agitated and a war of words started between the people with crossed legs telling the drunkards to get out of the stall, and the drunkards telling us to just pee in the sink. By the time I got to be next in line, it was really contentious and I yelled at them to pick up their drunk-ass friend off the floor and get her home or I would have them forcibly removed. (I knew the bouncers.) One of the girls shot back, "Why don't you worry about getting your fat ass to Jenny Craig!" I was about 155 pounds at the time and didn't think I looked that bad. This was an eye opener and it really hurt. I remember it vividly. Oh, and after she said that I told a bouncer and he went in there and kicked them all out of the club. :)

Tiny Dagger #2
I was shopping in a store about 6 years ago and a little girl about 4 or 5 looked at me and said, "You're a really fat lady". She wasn't being mean on purpose. She said it completely matter-of-factly. Ouch.

Tiny Dagger #3
This one was superiorly embarassing. I wasn't always fat, so it took me a while to accept my limitations. I had not yet discovered them 5 years ago at the county fair when I decided to go on a thrill ride with my nephews. I pulled the harness down over my shoulders and it was really tight across my chest. I had to twist a little bit sideways to situate the two bars around my breasts. Everyone was loaded on the ride and waiting for it to start but it didn't start. Suddenly the operator comes out of his booth and walks over to me. It was one of those round rides where everyone is facing each other in a circle, so all eyes were on me . He said my harness wasn't latched and started jiggling it. After what feels like an eternity, he determines I am too big for the ride and I have to do the walk of shame off the ride with everyone looking at me. I wanted to die! That was the last time I attempted to ride a thrill ride - something I have always loved!

Tiny Dagger #4
In a related scenario, last summer I took my 3 year old daughter to the boardwalk so she could ride the kiddie rides. There were a few she wanted me to ride with her when she saw other parents on them, but I couldn't. I far exceeded the 200lb weight limit. It broke my heart. It will be a major triumph for me when we take a family trip to Disney World this fall and I ride the rides with my children!

Tiny Dagger #5
My daughter asked me to show her how to do a cartwheel a few months ago. She did not understand why I couldn't do a cartwheel for her.

Tiny Dagger #6
Again out of the mouths of babes...I was at our neighborhood playground with my children recently and I had to get up on the climbing gym with my 20 month old to make sure he didn't fall. I was walking across one of the wooden platforms when my neighbor's 4 year old daughter, who was walking behind me, proclaims, "Your butt is really big!"  I said, "I know!" and as I turned around ready to explain to her that it's rude to talk about people's size she added, "And your boobs are huge too!" Part of me was laughing at her brutal, albeit innocent, honesty and the rest of me was crushed knowing that she was just saying what I am sure many people always think.


These are the moments from my life that my obesity problem really hit home as the result of receiving a negative response. There are, of course, many instances where my weight affected me in less profound ways - not fitting in seats, not being able to keep up with a group of people walking, stepping up onto a set of bleachers, etc. But it is these 6 daggers that I will have with me forever. Once I have the surgery, I will remove the proverbial daggers from my heart and the wounds will heal, but the scars will still remain. And that's OK. They will be reminders of the fat girl that lives inside me.

There was *one* really good life moment that I will acknowledge, because that has stuck with me too. It was a moment I would love to experience again. Who wouldn't?  I had just recently completed one of my many diets and was pretty thin. I was 26 years old and was standing outside that aforementioned club at closing time waiting for my friends to come out. A random guy was walking down the street (more like stumbling actually), and he stopped dead in his tracks in front of me and said, "Damn you're beautiful!" and then just stood there staring at me for an awkward amount of time. Now, granted, he was definitely under the influence of something, but it still felt really awesome. I cherish that moment. And I hope that a year from now I have many more moments to add to that 'one'.

5 Comments