JerseyMom
November 8, 2005
Welcome to my morning. Welcome to my day. Yes, I'm the one responsible, I made it just this way... ~John Denver
Happy November, everyone. Today is what I call my son's Happy Month Day! He is 11 months old today. I CANNOT believe how this year just whizzed by. It could make me cry, really. Well, hell, ANYTHING could make me weepy at this time of the month!
I LOVE reading the profiles here at OH so I vowed that I would keep one, as well. Of course I made this vow two weeks ago and have not posted anything yet so I am going to make up for that now. Be prepared to be bored to tears.
Alrighty...I have already told you that I am 34. And a half . My first child, who I worship, was born 11 months ago today. I have been married three times to the same man! Okay...maybe I should explain... I had a ceremony in India in December of 2001. I had a US ceremony on August 2, 2003 and a St. Lucian wedding on August 7, 2003. Got a lot of use out of my wedding gown. Actually, in India I wore a sari.
Here is a photo of me at my Indian wedding:
Here is a photo of me at my US wedding:
Here is a photo of me at my St. Lucian wedding:
Are you completely sick of my photos yet?
Okay...I have a story similar to all MO people. I was really skinny as a YOUNG child but, by the 5th grade, I was already pushing maximum density (okay all you children of the 80's...what movie is that line from??). I think I weighed 99 lbs in the 5th grade. Oh heck, I KNOW I did because I got weighed in front of the whole class, naturally, and that was just a joy. Insensitive educators should be forced to relive their most embarrassing childhood moments over and over again until they learn their lesson!
I do not really remember my youth as being a painful time. I was relatively happy. Of course there was the occasional fat comment...but I was also getting taller which is sort of a mixed blessing if you happen to be young and fat.
By the time I was in HS (Freshman year) I weighed about 160. And I thought I was ENORMOUS! Foolish, foolish child! That is my GOAL weight, for heavens sake. But you know what it is like. People aged 14-17 do not understand that a little meat on a woman is attractive. They just see it as something to make fun of. But, again, I enjoyed school for the most part and was not too traumatized.
I remember the first real diet I attempted was the Scarsdale Diet when I was 17 (at this time I weighed 180-ish). My weight dropped into the low 170's. Okay, that sucker was SO NOT worth being thinner for. Mr. Scarsdale's wife ultimately shot and killed him...did you know that? I wonder if it is because she tried his diet. Okay...that is not right...I should not poke fun at someone's tragedy...but that diet was really hard to stick to. It would have been better named, "Scarsdale's Starvation Diet."
The year I entered college, I gained the 'freshman 15'...or so! Actually, I know I weighed 186 because that weight is written in one of my old journals. On that same page I called myself a 'pig.' My word...youth is SO wasted on the young! Again, though, I was tall and that helped hide those extra lbs (plus, I do not carry a lot of weight in my face). I dated steadily through HS and college but I also kept getting bigger.
My weight climbed in college and I also started having bouts of serious depression...although I had no idea that depression was a real disease at the time. I would sleep for hours on end and not want to do anything. My family just thought I was beginning the 'moody teen' years a little late but, the truth is, I just had a hard time coping with...life. I remember the "episodes" would hit me like a steamroller! I would be just sitting around watching TV and everything would be fine when all of a sudden it was like a black shroud was placed over me. I felt as though I was kissed by a Dementor (Harry Potter fans will understand this reference). I am sure that anyone who suffers from depression knows what I mean. I was not diagnosed with depression until around 2003. So I lived for over a decade just thinking that something was horribly wrong with me - that I was simply lazy and that is why I was so miserable.
Let me break here for this Public Service Announcement....
SCREW YOU, MR. CRUISE!! Do not try to tell me that proper diet and exercise will cure my depression. Take your Scientology and shove it!
Okay...I feel better now :) And let me state for the record...I take NO issue with Scientologists or with people from any religion. But for someone in his position of influence to come out and say that only the weak take medication for depression...well, that is just plain irresponsible!
So...where was I? Okay...so I just kept getting bigger. Of course I dieted here and there and lost and gained the same 20 lbs over and over. Well, before you know it, I dieted myself to MO! The most successful I have ever been on a diet was when they created the beautiful cocktail of Fenfluramine and Phentermine (Fen-Phen). That stuff was EFFECTIVE! I dropped 70 lbs in my mid-20's. But then there was that little thing about it killing people and the Fen portion was withdrawn from the market. But I went from 265 down to 194. I was SO happy at that weight. I mean...just thrilled. 5'10" and 194 ain't bad ;) But, once Fen-Phen went bye-bye do you think I kept the weight off? Of course not! Why else would I be writing my story here .
So here I am...mid-30's. I want to see my son's children get married! I want to be able to run marathons with my husband and not make *his* life miserable because of *my* self-esteem issues. It was a long time coming but I am solid with this decision. I have tried every diet out there and I have researched the heck out of weight loss options. I believe this surgery is for me.
So...where am I on this journey? Well, currently I have Cigna. My first consultation with the surgeon back in the summer had me leaving nearly in tears. Cigna requires at least 6 months of a doctor-supervised weight loss plan. And, even then, chances are they will not approve this surgery for me (no physical co-morbidities). I thought maybe that was a sign that I should not have it. But, then...I got another sign. For the first time in the almost 10 years I have been with my company, they are offering a third insurance option aside from Cigna and Aetna. They are offering United Health Care. I have heard MANY good things about this company. And, while I am still anxious about getting approved, I know my chances are much higher. And I HAVE been doing a (useless) doctor-supervised program for the past 5 months. So hopefully that will be helpful, if needed.
At my first consultation I fully intended on getting the LAP-BAND. But, in the last month, I went from thinking that I would ABSOLUTELY NOT even entertain the thought of RNY to "Well, maybe I would consider it" to "THIS IS WHAT I AM HAVING!"
And I am terrified and excited all at once. There is a certain amount of peace to be derived from simply making a decision and accepting it. But I look at my baby and pray I am not one of those people who do not survive. And then I feel so guilty for not trying to diet and exercise again, dammit! But then I calm myself down and tell myself...25 years. That is how long I have been overweight. It is time to remedy that once and for all.
I would appreciate any and all prayers for a successful journey. And I will say a prayer for all of you. I cannot wait to be on the losing side! For now...cheers!
