- Username: jhadden
- Location: Danbury, CT, USA
- Member Since: 2/3/2006
- BMI: 23.0
- Post Op
- Surgery Type: RNY (09/27/07)
- Surgeon: Keith Zuccala MD
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Please make it stop! on January 10, 2010 5:20 am
Post Date: 1/10/10 5:17 am
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I just got off the scale and I am hysterical! My weight just keeps going up and up and up and I have no idea why. I cannot go to the doc because my husband and I are both out of work and have no more insurance. I don't know what to do; I am so miserable. I am 21/2 years out, my lowest weight was 112 down from 248. I was too skinny just a year ago. Everyone told me I needed to put on weight and I was too thin. I wish I had never listened because I gained almost 50 lbs. since then and now I am at 159. How could I let this happen???? I hate myself. I promised I would never gain this weight back, that I would never allow myself to get back here. Now all my clothes are too tight and the scale just keeps going up no matter what I try. Not only that, but I am ALWAYS hungry.
I am started to think those who warned me were right. They saiid everyone who has this surgery gains the weight back eventually. I disagreed with those people so vehemently and swore to prove them wrong. Now, here I am, so depressed I don't even want to leave the house. As it is, I had to deal with all the snickers behind my back at Christmas from the family members who were jealous when I lost the weight and telling me I would gain it all back like everyone else. Ugggg, I so wanted to prove them wrong. I feel like such a loser, a failure.
I have tried everything. I tried eating small, healthy meals every 3 or 4 hours to keep my metabolism going, I gained that week. Then I tried no eating all day and just having dinner, thinking that would take my calories way down, even though I know not eating slows the metabolism down. I tried drinking a ton of water and making sure I got in all my protein; that didn't work either. All I see is the numbers go up, no matter what I eat or don't eat. I feel like I still barely eat. I take two bites and I am full. So, why am I gaining so drastically??? I feel like I have absolutely no control and like I am going to be back at 248 before I know it. I cannot tell you all how devastated I feel over this.
You have all always been there for me throughout this whole journey and I know I wouldn't have made it through without my OH friends/family. But, if I ever needed you, I need you now! Please tell me what to do. I will try anything. My next attempt was going to be Atkins. i used to have pretty good luck with that one, even though I couldn't stay on it past 3 months. I just want to stop this weight gain in its tracks, before it is too late and the road is too long again.
What really scares me is that I see those who were my inspiration on here going through the same thing. They were my rocks; and now they sound just as defeated as I do. Is it just inevitable that we are all going to eventually gain the weight back, no matter what? Please say it isn't so and tell me there is something I can do to stop this madness.
I appreciate any advice you all have and would love to hear from those who have kept the weight off successfully over more than a 2 year period, as well as from those who are going through the same thing. Please say some prayers for me. I just don't think I could take it if I got back to the awful way I looked and felt at 248.
Thanks in advance for your help,
September 29 on September 29, 2008 6:11 am
Yikes, I'm embarrassed it has been so long since I checked in here. A lot has happened since June. I am down to 130, which is awesome, but I am worried now about losing too much weight, as I have no appetite and don't each much. I am in a size 3 now!!! That is just unbelievable to me. I am thrilled.
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Unfortunately, I had to have another internal hernia repair just last week. It was exactly the same as the first one, six months later. I had the same horrible pain, went to emergency, came home and then ended up checking in the next day for surgery. I just don't know why this keeps happening and niether does my doc. I am hoping I can at least get a covered tummy tuck out of the deal. We'll see. The worst part is that we were in between insurances when I had the surgery! We were thinking we would have to spend the rest of our lives paying for it. Then some angel came into my hospital room and signed me up for this insurance for people in need. It covers the whole thing!!!!!! I cannot express my gratitude for that. As it is, we are so behind in all our bills and totally broke.
Anyhow, I am happy at 130 with my new life. I am also teaching again, morning Kindergarten, which I love. I hope to be full time next year. I just love the kids. I've missed them dearly. i feel like I have awaken from a deep sleep being back at school. I am also going for a second masters degree in Psychology. I am excited. Things are looking up.
June 16, 2008 on June 16, 2008 12:29 pm
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Again, sorry I haven't written in awhile. I have actually been working a little bit substituting once or twice a week for my district. It is nice to get back into it slowly, but after one day I am exhausted lol. I can't believe I used to do it everyday. But, honestly, I miss the kids a lot. Teaching is a part of me and it really bothers me that I cannot find a job with 7 years of experience and a Masters Degree. This economy is awful and seemingly getting worse. We are so broke!!! I hope I start getting some interviews for next school year. I have my application in to every district in the state practically! It is so much nicer now to go on interviews or anywhere for that matter. I can actually dress up and look nice, instead of sweating bullets in a huge piece of fabric that just covers me up enough. I walk much prouder now in my size 6. Size 6, size 6, size 6, size 6!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have to say it over and over. I cannot get over it. I have never been a size 6, nor did I ever dream I would be in a size 6. I went shopping with my mom the other day and realized that my 8s were too big and I was on to a 6. I was soooooooooo happy. I actually bought myself a miniskirt! I can't believe it. I think it is just starting to all hit me. Before this realization, I wasn't feeling all that different from when I was heavy. I still had no energy and still had bouts of Depression, even on the meds. In addition to that, I've been getting sick on everything lately. I need to go get that checked out. It is not as bad now, since I still have 25 pounds to lose, but what happens when I'm at goal? I don't want to become anorexic. I will make an appointment to talk with my surgeon about that. Otherwise, I am feeling really good about the weight loss. I'm hanging out at 150 these days. I guess it is another stall. I don't think I am eating enough. I have to watch that. Ok, I'll post again when the scale starts moving.
May 17, 2008 on May 17, 2008 2:54 am
Hello My OH Family,
Again, I have waited way to long to update my profile. IT is already May, 8 months from when I had my surgery. Since my last post, I have had emergency surgery on an internal hernia. I have never known such horrible pain in my life. It was so awful. The surgery was nothing compared to the pain I felt beforehand. I was literally moaning and crying, all hunched over in the hospital for like 4 hours before they finally gave me enough pain meds to actually work. I couldn't believe people kept walking by, seeing me hysterical and in pain and not doing anything or asking if I was ok. I was like, "Isn't this supposed to be a hosptial where caring people work?" It sure didn't seem like it until this angel nurse found my doc and got me the pain meds. I hope I never have to feel pain like that again!
I finally broke the plateau I was in for like 7 weeks. All of a sudden a huge amount of weight and inches dropped off. I hope that gives hope to those who are experiencing a plateau now. It was so frustrating and disheartening, but so well worth it. I wouldn't have minded so much if I knew the huge weight drop was coming, but I was beginning to think I was through losing and/or doing something wrong with my diet. I guess everyone's body works differently. I am at 154 now and feeling very thin and happy. I cannot get over this feeling. I actually see my reflection in store windows and don't want to cry. I am excited about shopping and everything looks so nice on my new body. I am in a size 8 jeans, which is just beyond my comprehension. And I bought a little tiny mini skirt and it actually looks nice! Someone actually told me I have nice legs! Can you believe that? As long as the skirt is long enough to cover my upper thighs, it looks good lol. You all know what I mean. I don't think I'll ever be ready for a bathing suit, but I do feel so much better about myself. I have to update my pics as I haven't taken any since the weight drop and there is a huge difference. My face looks totally different and so much thinner. Of course now I get those comments how "oh, her face is too thin and drawn". No one ever seems happy so I don't pay attention. Either i'm too fat or too thin, whatever. I feel good and that is what counts, right? My dad keeps telling me how proud he is of me and to take a lot of pictures. He is so paranoid that I will gain the weight back. He keeps telling me, "Don't you dare go back or I'll kill you!" It makes me feel bad that he seems to love me more just because I am thin.
My Depression is getting better. I think it ihas a lot to do with the weight loss and increase in meds. I still have bouts of it, but not nearly as bad as I was, thank God.
Well, I usually don't write unless there has been a change in my body, which is why it seems so long in between posts. I am sure I will go through another plateau now that I dropped another 10 pounds, but now that I know it just takes time and I'm not doing anything wrong, I can be patient,
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Thursday, March 13, 2008 on March 13, 2008 10:49 am
Well, here I am, still at my plateau between 169-172. I feel like I am done losing, yet I still am eating right. I just don't understand. How can I stay the same and eat this healthy, when I stayed the same before and ate anything I wanted? It makes no sense to me. I eat a fraction of what I usred to eat AND I don't eat sweets anymore, which I ate a ton of preop. So, how can I not be losing. The whole reason I got this surgery was because the weight loss was so slow and I could never stick to it that long because I was hungry. But, even with the surgery, it is going so slow.
The other thing is I just don't see the weight loss of 70 pounds. Yes, my clothes are big and I feel thinner, but not thin, far from thin. I am constantly looking at myself in the mirror and squeezing fat here and sucking it in there, trying to see the 70 pounds I lost. But, I still feel fat; I am still a fat person. I don't notice any more attention from men or looks or anything. When I went out with my bf, Kathleen to the bon jovi concert, all the looks still went to her, just like in high school. And, my parents were kind enough to point out that I am not as pretty as she is and still not as skinny as her. I don't notice any more attention from my husband. He is the same as before. Our sex life is the same. I just don't see the changes I had hoped for.
Will I ever like what I see in the mirror? OR, will I always be critical and unhappy with the way I look. I had this surgery to feel better, to feel more confident, more willing to be around people. But, I don't feel that way. I still hide in my apartment and don't go out all week and I am still Depressed. I wish I could just snap out of this. I am never happy. Why can't I ever be happy like other people?
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I am 36 years old, married and living in Danbury, CT. I am scheduled for surgery September 27, 2007 at Danbury Hospital with Dr. Keith Zuccala. I have three cats (Griffin, Mouse and Bear), one dog (Lu Lu) and a chameleon named Kermit. I am looking forward to making a big change in my life by having this surgery and working hard towards my goal. I have beeen overweight for as long as I can remember, but obese (I hate that word) only for the past seven years or so. I lost a loved one to suicide which started the downhill spiral. Then I injured my back and was unable to do any exercise, during which time I put on about 50 pounds. Then I got married and continued to gain from eating out and getting take out food all the time. So, here I am. I have dieted since 11 years old. I would always lose the weight and then gain it back, plus some. That made me feel like a failure and so badly about myself. I have been dealing with severe Depression for a long time, which is so difficult. I am tired of living my life on the couch watching everyone else have a life. I want to participate in activities and enjoy my life without worrying about possibly dropping dead from a heart attack at any moment. I cannot wait for my surgery date!