Didn't Make It

Apr 02, 2012

Sadly, last night I did not make it without an eating binge.  I FEVERIOUSLY ate about 4 oz. of chocoloate bunny!!  I wasn't sure what was going on at the time other than I knew I was stressed all weekend about my husband being sick.  Next day I couldn't get to work--was nervous, felt panicky and thought about my food addiction and my stress level and cried for about an hour.  It was good in the long run though as I thought through things I have learned about myself.  I journaled it.  I have worried myself about things out of my control and haven't even happened yet--and may never happen!   Right now I am going to focus on not stress eating--if I can break that habit it will save a lot of calories.  I realized I could not do it on my own--that I need support--I have Lisa, my therapist, my husband, a cousin I can talk to (if I can get a hold of her), and most importantly I have to rely on GOD to help me.  I realize I feel conflicted about seeing to Jim's needs and to my own.  I realized my food addiction had led to health problems and will most assuredly lead to an early death--but do I care??  At one time I know i DIDN'T CARE, but now, I am not sure.  I do like some things about myself and my life but I realize I have been tuning OUT of my feelings since at least the age of 7.  This is a long time in the making and will be a long  and painful time in the fixing.  Now, the question is how do I get from here to there--what does it take and do I want to do the work?  Can I exist without that coping mechanism?
 

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