Tina Mendonca
WOW!
Apr 20, 2011
Thanks to all you girls for having my back! I was moved to tears. I could feel your hugs and your kind words helped sooth my heart. Geez, I needed all of this. I feel like I'm starting to cleanse myself of all the heaviness and negative feelings. I have been mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. I think after all my blogging and venting I feel like a good cry is on the way today and then I can heal from the inside out. I can feel my daddy around me and I know he wants me to be happy. I heard the song he used to make fun of me with. It pop up on my Zune and I was in tears. "La La Means I love You". He said that's the way I was when I was in love I'd cover my ears and just be "La la la" and be so blinded by love. I could feel him all around me. I must be feeling really bad...he doesn't come around as much as before and today he made it a point to make me pay attenetion. To notice he was here and I needed to 'see' something. It may sound strange, but I know I need this cry. He was the only one besides my pets to sit and just listen to me or just hold me and let me cry on his shoulder. Most of the time I didn't even have to say a word. To feel his arms around me and tell me it will be ok meant the world to me. He wasn't my bilogical father, but I was his daughter and he was my dad.As I type this a flood of tears have just busted out and it's a weeping cry. It's a good cry. It's not a cry of anger because of a fight or that my feeling are hurt...it's just a huge release. When I would have these cries before I never understood why. I would get upset with myslef because I felt like I had everything I could ever want in my life...a husband, kids, a new home and I had love....why was I so sad...was I being ungrateful? Was I just not satisfied?...Was I just stupid? ... NO! My soul just needs to be cleansed. And sometimes a night of crying makes the dawn clearer. What comes into my mind is that scene from the "Color Purple" when Sug Avery goes to see he dad at the church and is singing "The Lord is Trying to Tell You Something." I cry everytime I see that part. The Lord IS trying to tell ME something. I just need to pay attention...I need to cry, I need to find myself. I lost myself in 'LIFE' and in everyone else and lost myself within myself. I was literally wrapped in so much pain I was just happy to survive the day or night without thinking I would OD on these pain meds or eat a hole in my pouch. There is a reason for evrything..what it is..I still don't know, but I'll never forget this bumpy journey. Im in no way a perfect wife, mother or daughter...I am human and I think if I keep that in mind I will be able ok. I think after this cry I will be back on track...probably with a small headache but I know I will be better. I'll keep you guys updated. Thank you once again for all your love and support. I can't even express how full of love I feel from all of you! *MUAH* Good night friends!
3 Comments
About Me
Merced, CA
Location
25.2
BMI
Surgery
06/23/2010
Surgery Date
Jun 28, 2010
Member Since
