I have been dreading this day.

Apr 26, 2012

It is silly I know, to avoid things, but hey lets face it, it is one of the things that I do best, especially when it comes to my own issues. 
I have been a stay at home mom for the last 27 years, and spent my time caring for 2 of my own and also 2 step children for a major portion of that time. Always putting myself on the back burner with the intent that I will get to my things when I get to them. So in other words, perpetually putting others needs ahead of my own.

Well today is a day that I have to deal with my health issues straight on, and I have been dreading the possible outcome and avoiding this day for almost 5 years now.

Today I will find out whether or not I have Sleep Apnea.  Not a biggie right?  Wrong..... for me there is something that really bothers me about the possibility of having to wear a mask and use a C-Pap that makes me want to run in the opposite direction....if I could only run!

I know in my heart that if I do, it will probably even help me sleep better in turn getting healthier and maybe even losing some weight in the process.

And to add to that, it is not something that I am not familiar with, my X husband has had sleep apnea for about the last 10 or more years and he has had to us the c-pap, and even when I had to sleep beside him, I hated it, I hated the noise it made, and how he looked wearing it, and......Oh this is so dam ridiculous I know.  But just wanting it to go away wont make it happen so I know I have to face it head on.

About 5 years ago, I had the test where you wear the little monitor on your finger while you sleep at night, then yup...they told me that I did have it.  So even then I bought a machine, it was at a time when I was dealing with the deaths of both my parents, and to make things even worse I was also going through a separation.  Anyways, took the machine and my mask home, and I tried to use it for several nights. But my emotions were all screwed up, and I couldn't sleep anyways, so it was just making things harder and I was so miserable, because you see......I am actually kind of claustrophobic and with that thing on my face, as it was "forcing" air down my throat (into my nasal passages) even on the lowest setting, I felt like I could not breathe or catch my breath. 

So I do have a C-Pap machine, and it is pretty much brand new, only used 4 or 5 times. I can remember feeling then that the timing was just not right, then after that life got in the way and I kept it in my closet, thinking I should really try it out again one day, maybe tomorrow......well.....

I had another Sleep test with the little monitor on my finger a couple of weeks ago, and my family doctor told me initially that Yeah...I do not have sleep apnea.  So I was so excited that I called the astrologist to cancel the follow up appointment, and they told me not to cancel, to just come in and hear what the astrologist had to tell me. 

Well that brings me to today.  Should I take the dam C-pap machine with me just in case, or should I leave it tucked away in the back of my closet?  I guess I will take it just in case, but yeah, this is where I am dreading the  possible part of my day that the astrologist is going to tell me that my family doctor read the results wrong and yes I do have it.

Anyways, in my heart I do know, that even if I have it, it does not mean that I will have it forever. And if I do have it, it is actually something that I can do to possibly save my own life.  I was told yesterday by a woman in my presurgery nutrition class, that she heard that John Candy actually died from a heart attach in his sleep, due to untreated sleep apnea.

I sure do not want that to happen, so I know deep down I would rather deal with this than "let " something like that happen to me.  I have way too much living to do so, I guess I will bite the bullet, and stick my chin up in the air, and just tackle this head on.  But you have no idea how much I would rather just stick my head in the sand and continue on like I have been for the last may year.

And I know that this will be one of the first major steps that I will be taking in making my self #1 on my priority list, after all I do want to be around to see my 2 lovely grand children grow up, and I dint want to do that on the side lines any longer, I want to be an active part of their lives.

Well I am done ranting now, thank you for listening to those of you who were. I am so glad that this is a place that I can just write my feelings down and know that there are others out there that might even feel the same feelings that I do.

Well, gotta go and start getting my day on the road to a healthier me.
I hope you all have a wonderful day!

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