2 days and counting

Jan 07, 2011

Just checked my tickets.  Good thing I would have missed my flight by two hours.  I am not sure realty has sunk in yet.  I have gone and bought all the vitamins, protein, yogurts etc.  I have eaten most of my favorite foods in the last two weeks since finding out my surgery was bumped up none months.  Haven't got though my list but I am so over food. 

I keep asking myself how I got to this point.  I am not a binge eater, the stereotypical "chubby" shown on TV honing in on the Fridge for late night snacks.  I have been doing some souls searching, and this is where  I think my weight problem began.  In grade three all our class was told we were going to weighed and measured.  It came down to me and and a very large husky boy.  Guess what, I weighed two pound more then him and about 10 pounds more on average then the rest of the kids.  If I recall right that was the first time someone laughed at me, and made jokes about my weight and probably the first time I felt shame about my body. It was also the first year I hit puberty; years before the average girl and certainly years before most of my peers I might add; so of course I would have been carrying around a few extra pounds

My mom was a bit overweight but now that I look at the pictures she was so small, but she could never get over the fact that she went from 120 lbs(pre-me) to 160lb. She could never shake the weight after my brother and I and she was always trying to diet and quickly became my mentor in the yo you dieting.  At twelve she took me to the doctor as I was 20 pounds overweight and he put me on some kind of diet pills that left me listless and stoned for lack of a better term.

Of course they worked but being a single working mother she couldn't afford to keep up with the drugs and we would revert to some emerging poor eating habits.  We ate what she could afford, pasta, processed meats, potatoes, koolaid, pop.  At fifteen I was probably closer to 40 pounds heavier then my friends and I was getting worried.  High school was a nightmare, and this is when a family relative introduced me to Bennies. Oh the worked so well but one they were illegal and two, money wasn't there to keep them up(Thank God)

At 18, I became pregnant and my weight went to 196, I was so ashamed and humiliated. I to became a single mother with the same issues as my mom.  We tried everything(Herbalife, Atkins, Cabbage soup, Tops, Weight Watchers, you name it I've done it0.  My mom finally got the surgery in her 40's and she looked so beautiful and healthy that I wanted to get it.  It was about that time that they quit doing the surgeries here in Manitoba so I was out of luck and doctors advised I was not heavy enough anyway.  I don't know 4'11 -195 give or take.  I think in today's standards I would definitely been a candidate. 

Fast Forward to now,  44 three children, two step children and three grandchildren.  I am blessed.  Last year I made one last attempt with Jenny Craig.  For $200 a week I could eat tiny little pre packaged meals.  Good at first but not very good for the rest of the family.  I have osteo-arthritis, I am in so much pain and I am carrying the weight of 2.5 people.  My kids have lost out on alot growing up with an unhealthy overweight mom, I don't want to be that woman anymore.  I want to be there for them as they experience life.  I have so many things I still want to do with them and their children.

Every couple of years since I was 14 I would write a letter to future self, to be opened in one years time.  The first question I would ask is have I lost the weight so I could be happy.  I imagine in one's years time I will be able to answer yes I have lost the weight, and I am healthy.  The happiness though has been achieved already through my beauiftul kids, great job and great family and friends, onlynow I can enjoy them more.

I guess I should have wrote most of this in the my story part but this is where it landed.  Thank you to all the people have posted their stories,  because they have made this last couple of weeks so much easier to deal with in my pre -op faze

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