lisaweisenbach
2 Year Surgiversary
Mar 17, 2010
It's hard to believe it has been 2 years already. I remember my surgery date like it was yesterday. I remember all the feelings that I hag going into surgery....fear, elation, purpose, joy.. I wish I could really connect with those feelings and apply them to my life right now.I have had a really rough year. I remember my first year after surgery was pretty easy. I had plenty of problems, but the weight loss came pretty easy when I ate what I was supposed to, and for the most part, I did that. But now, it's all completely different. I feel different. I don't have that control over myself anymore. I don't have those happy feelings that I did back then. I just don't feel much of anything right now, except shame and the always-present low self esteem. I haven't felt this low since before my surgery, months before, when I thought that I would never get it done.
My total weight loss is 112 lbs, but I still toggle up and down about 5 lbs. I feel like a yo-yo again. I rarely get on the scale. I just can't bring myself to face the scale.
WLS has not been the cure that I thought it would be. I was so foolish and naive. I had huge plans for losing the weight, getting my life back, resuming my nursing career, and just being happy and healthy. I really wish I could go back in time and kick my own butt and tell myself how it really would be....perhaps then, I could change my own outcome. But, alas, that is not possible. I can only go forward with my life as it is.
I have tried antidepressants (several of them). None work because they don't get to root of my problem, which isn't chemical....its all about how I feel about myself...my inability to get on track and actually lose this weight.
I have tried couselling. That didn't work either. I think I probaly chose the wrong counselor. I need one who specializes in weight disorders and I can't seem to find one in my area. I actually think there is one here, but she doesn't accept my insurance (Medicare) and I simply can't afford that bill.
Nutritionist - tried that too...didn't work. I just can't eat what they tell me to. I know what I'm supposed to eat as well as they do. Being a nurse gives me that advantage...but getting myself to do what's neccessary...that is the problem.
I'm under alot of stress. My homelife is a mess. I've been so sick the past 6 months or so. I'm really looking forward to Spring/Summer...hoping some of my problems will go away for awhile (I'm always sicker in the Winter months). My daughter, Jillian, goes to private school, which is quite expensive. I've decided to homeschool her next year. I haven't decided if thats going to add to my stress or help it in some way....at least I wont have the tuition bill every month, but I will have to put up with her all the time. There's just alot going on at home that I wish I could change, but it's not really in my power to do so...not sure what the solution is. I'm really hoping a few things will change in the next couple months, I'm counting on it actually...but also afraid to get my hopes up.
Support - that's a tough question. I think I have the support around me but when I'm the only one around who is trying to diet and everyone brings in junk, it's really hard. There's extra people living with me right now and I can't tell them not to bring it in. I just need the willpower to look the other way....and sometimes I have that willpower. I've said NO to alot of junk, but some of it just finds its way into my mouth... grrrrr. When I actually lose a pound, etc....everyone is really happy for me and says they are proud of me, but when I say nothing, they do the same. I don't get any encouragement to get on track and stay there.
I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me....... afterall, I did this to myself and have no one to blame but me.
Ok, for the Positives.....I've lost over 100 lbs! I've gotten off all of my Blood Pressure meds, I've stabilized my Blood Sugar with just 2 pills a day (I was taking 6 pills, plus 2 Insulin shots before surgery). I can do most anything I want or need to do. I can walk around stores and the Mall. I haven't been swimming since last Fall, my health just hasn't been up to it. I keep telling myself I'm going to get back to that and I will. Jillian and I will be starting that up real soon. We both enjoy it too much not to do it. It's also something that she and I do together. I can fit into smaller clothes now. I can even buy things in some stores now....thats cool. I usually shop online thru Lane Bryant mostly though, but I can still choose smaller sizes and I love that! I can do housework with pretty much ease....even tho housework is not something that I enjoy. *smile*
Wow, I only have one little paragraph of Positive things....but I honestly can't think of anything else to add to it.
I guess that concludes my 2 yr update. As always, I'm here to help anyone that I can.....I may have screwed up my own loss, I think I can help others...at least with experience and What Not To Do's..
hugs 'n love,
Lisa
0 Comments
About Me
Jonesboro, AR
Location
63.5
BMI
Surgery
03/17/2008
Surgery Date
Surgeon
Feb 15, 2005
Member Since
