Nerves and emotions

Mar 18, 2011

I don't even have a surgery date yet, but I'm already very nervous.  It's not that I'm worried about the surgery - my surgeon is the best and he's operated on so many people I know without a glitch.  I trust him and know he'll do his job.  I'm nervous about what comes after that, what comes when I get home.

Before surgery, did you think "I can't change"?  Or, I guess more accurately, I can't change forever?  I look at my mum who is now 206 pounds after having bypass surgery in 1999, and think, will I consider myself a failure like she does if I go over my goal weight?  Why she thinks she failed, or why that has effected me recently, I don't know.  She has kept off 100 pounds of excess weight, and is by all accounts a huge success in the world of early gastric bypass.  And yet, she's unhappy about being "fat" again.  I don't want to be like that, I don't want to hate myself if I gain weight 10 years from now.  I know with the band, I can always get back on track, but I'm still afraid.

My next fear is that my family and their support will fade and I'll be left alone.  My mom has been my champion, but I found out recently this is because she's planning on revising to the band and wants to "share my experience".  Is it normal that I'm angry?  Is it normal that I want this to be MY experience, one moment in my life where she's not the center of attention?  I've been with her through her surgery, through the complications, the infections, the ups and the downs.  I was with her through her bout with cancer, her alcoholism and her rehab.  Can't I just have my own moment?  Is that so selfish or wrong to want?

I'm confused and cranky, not sleeping and anxious waiting for the surgeon's office to schedule my surgery.  I guess I'll save the worrying for later, breathe and be patient.

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