RAGE ... (It's pain with some fists attached)

Mar 13, 2010

.....and I love the definition ... given to me from a beautiful sista overseas ... she told me to paint my pain and either share it if I wanted to or not ... I told her I have no pain I told her I was full of RAGE ... and it is RED ... all shades of RED ...  RAGE and furious ...  at all the illusions, the disillusions, the wild goose chases ... the fear going under ... the excitement coming through ...  the cuts here and the tucks here and the drainage here and the wound care there and back to debridement and cutting and tucking and caring since December of 2008.
ONE YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS IN CASTS AND CRUTCHES AND BOOTS AND BACK TO CASTS
AND CRUTCHES AND BOOTS... a quest for saving a limb ... a barrage of promises and a ton of interventions ... only to get the end of the yard stick as the conclusion is the beginning ... we ran from what we feared most ... we fought hard and mightily and here it is upon us ... and I was full of it RAGE ...but my beautiful sista said that RAGE = ......its pain with some fists attached and I still did not paint it...

... it made me think however and in thinking I gained perspective and control of who I am and my circumstances ... I read her note ... "I also think pain takes many different forms and sometimes its rage...its pain with some fists attached....which is probably whats keeping you up on two feet right now" and that is just what I needed to here ... those fists attached told me to FIGHT BACK AND TAKE CHARGE ... I shared the note with Al and together we started laughing ... he said to me ... 'this damn foot hurt so bad sometime I wish they had taken it off a long time ago" and I knew we were okay...

...we grabbed the catalog of foot prosthesis and we began searching for Mr. Black Foot ...  come were these metal looking contraptions that looked frightening and painful .... others looked natural and comfortable ... and we found some we liked but none in his dark skin tone ... so I told him we will get a cafe au lait one and I can paint it black and we looked at each other and we laughed and laughed and laughed .... then he said we have this weekend and we are going to do everything we always did, and live like we always lived because there is more to us than just a foot.

I had put my brushes down and I had flung my canvas away from me ... I cried all week long ... I did not eat because the lump in my throat was choking me ... I bucked and kicked and swore left and right ... I wanted this weight off my back ...it was just tooooooooooooooo heavy ... and now that I know that RAGE .... its pain with some fists attached ... I realized that I could fight ... real good too ... and I was in control ... of my life and my destiny...

Alonzo said he wanted my pics to load on the digital picture frame he is taking with him to the hospital ... so life as usual he snapped my pics ... my son who is very emotional took it a bit hard and was beginning to fall into his depression .. in my mind I thought (lawd and cannot deal with cripple and crazy at once pleaaaaaaassssssssssseeeeeeee) ... but seeing AL in full control and myself back together and in back up mode and I AM TOGETHER NO PRETENSE because we cried together, we prayed together, we fought together and we are in acceptance of the challenge together.  My son contracted to buckle up and my daughter is on board ... always has been .. said "mom you knew that was coming ,,, it is for the best".... "he will walk again, I will help with his therapy" and I knew ,,, here we were me and my three musketeers ... united .. in love, sickness and health ... we were ready...

I picked up my brushes and my canvas and my unfinished painting of Cyn.... Kenny brought out Mrs. Robinson, his guinea pig ... Candice buried herself online with Al snapping pics as she searched for Mr. Black Foot .... we don't have to pick it yet but we want an idea of the MOST COMFORTABLE-DURABLE-AND EFFECTIVE prosthesis that will be part of our family,,,

Al took pics of me and we even got pics of Mrs. Robinson ... we are going to be ALRIGHT after all ...WE ARE TOGETHER ... ALL OF US ... AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS....

kenny-mom-andmrsrobinson3-13-10.jpg picture by martitalinda
I picked up where I left off painting Cyn - this is totally totally in DRAFT MODE .... sorry Cyn I was so distressed I could not finish last weekend I will finish tonight with one more layer then I have to do more ... then send it...
canvasbymartitacyn.jpg picture by martitalinda
and I took pics for Al this time instead of for my journal but I will add them anyhow ... my daughter bought him a digital frame and here we are putting all these pics on it for him ... I kept telling him he is just going to be at the hospital and then the rehab center just a few minutes away (lol) ...
martitacollageforAl3-13-10.jpg picture by martitalinda
and of course me and my former fat self will always be there...
Pictmartita3rdyearanniversarybra-9.jpg picture by martitalinda
RAGE (...ITS PAIN WITH FISTS ATTACHED)
RAGE = PAIN WITH FISTS ATTACHED
ANGER = PAIN WITH FISTS ATTACHED
BITTERNESS = PAIN WITH FISTS ATTACHED

IT IS HOW WE REACT THAT MATTERS ... I OVERPOWERED RAGE AND TOOK CHARGE ... I NO LONGER FEEL IT AND I AM AT PEACE WITH OUR DECISION ... MY HEART WAS BREAKING A COUPLE YEARS AGO WHEN MY FORMER BOSS WAS DIAGNOSED WITH 4TH STAGE COLON CANCER... SHE FOUGHT AND LOST THE BATTLE - SHE ARRANGED HER FUNERAL AND HER AND HER FRIENDS WENT TO PICK OUT HER COFFIN ... I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SHE HAD THE STRENGTH TO DO THAT AND NOW I KNOW ... SHE TOOK CHARGE AND CONTROL OF HER DESTINY ....
THE DEFINITION OF MY HUSBAND IS LOVE ...
IT IS NOT A FOOT NOR IT IS A HAND...
IT IS TOGETHERNESS ... IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH ... UNTIL DEATH DO US PART

He goes in on Tuesday for surgery on Wednesday.  First they are going to try shaving and bringing down the bone - best case scenario - yet we are told not to hold too much hope - otherwise the foot goes - worst case scenario and lets face it ... it is going to happen eventually the only difference is now we are prepared ... we are ready ...

I thank you all soooooooooooooo much always for allowing me to share... for the kindness and encouragement you ALWAYS send our way ... for allowing me to express my old goofy self ... for being there ... and for my two heathen 'white' (lol) sistas on the backline - and all the beautiful people here for the PMs and messages and love ... for all the phone calls ... but PLEASEEEEEEEE YOU WHO ARE SENDING FRUIT BASKETS WITH CHOCOLATE PLEASE STOP .... THE DUFFY DH STARTS EATING AND PICKING AT THEM AND EATS THEM ALL ... TAXING THE TRANSPLANTED KIDNEY AND I GET SOOOOOOOOOOOOO ROYALLY TICKED WHEN HE DOES THAT ... AND I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DOES IT ESPECIALLY WHEN HE IS TAXING THE KIDNEY ... MESSING UP HIS BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS AND HIS FOOT IS ABOUT TO BE CHOPPED OFF ... SEND HIM A CARD ... AT LEAST HE WON'T EAT PAPER (lol)...

 I LOVE YA BUNCHES!!!! ... THANK YOU FOR RAGE (...ITS PAIN WITH SOME FISTS ATTACHED) Ruby23 ...  I am alright now....yes indeed!!!!

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