melissa_whitener

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So I have been trying to figure out how the heck I got to be this huge... I am only five feet nothin tall, so every pound on me looks like two would on most women.  And yet the pounds have crept on for years and decades, and despite every lap in the pool or exercise class, they continue to pile on.

Well, I started out as a child (any Bill Cosby fans out there?), a child who was skinny and who loved to run, swim, ride a pony and climb hills with her dog.  I was a junior high athlete and a high school cross country and track runner.  My best times running were at age 15.  After that I grew hips, which threw my whole machinery out of alignment, and my junior year was plagued by injury and illness.  So I decided to focus on academics my senior year and I just "jogged" 3 miles each day, five days a week.

When I graduated I wore a size 3 and was about 98 pounds.

College is where I started packing on the weight.  By age 22 when I graduated I weighed about 125 pounds, but that is still an acceptable weight for my height, and I still had a ton of muscle from walking up and down those West Virginia hills to my classes.  But then the weight really piled on.  Ten pounds the first year out of college, then another tweny the next.  Being married seemed to agree with me, because I weighted 175 by the time I was 27.  This was scarey to me, I had no idea why I had put on so much weight.  I had decided to make a career change and I was active, riding my bike and walking, and yet the weight piled on.

At age 32, before my first pregnancy I was just over 200 pounds.  I had given up on trying to control my weight, and I had no trouble getting pregnant.  I actually lost about 15 pounds net, after breastfeeding, but of course gained it all back!  Same with pregnancy number 2; I was over 200 pounds at age 36.  I was, however, a very busy and active mother of two boys.  I played all day and did laundry and took naps and cooked and cleaned when it was absolutely necessary.

I stayed stuck at around 200 pounds for years, and then I got Graves' disease.  My thyroid went nuts, and I lost about 45 pounds.  Sadly, I had to get the thyroid back to normal, or fall over dead with a heart attack.  Of course, the reset caused me to become a ravening beast and I began to really eat, and gained back all the weight I had lost plus about 35 pounds.  

And now I am a 47 year old woman who just a few weeks ago was at a miserable 265 pounds.  This is sad, this is Super Obese, which is a BMI of over 50.  For me, the real "aha" moment was a series of moments over the past two years.  I was a Cub Scout Leader for years, and marched in parades and went on hikes and swam in the lake at 200 pounds plus, but now at age 47 I could barely make it from our campsite to the dining hall at summer camp.  I had a hard time getting on my bike.  I sat in my truck and cried, because my back hurt so much I had to make my sons carry all my gear from the campsite to the parking lot.  I found I could barely wipe my bottom.  All these little humiliations finally led me to say "enough" and to seek help.  My primary care doctor was happy to refer me to a surgeon, and now here I am.  

It is really a relief to say that I am for the first time trying to be fully aware of what I am putting in my body.  I am thinking more about what I eat and drink, and I am trying to be mindful of every bite, every sip.  I have actually lost about 15 pounds, so I can see that my new way of eating is making a difference.  I do see myself as a person who will probably have that physical sensation of hunger for life.....after a healthy meal that should be satisfying I walk away hungry, and drink lots of water, and try to distract myself with a book, movie or game.  

I am grateful to my surgeon and his team, they have a great pre-surgical program in place including support group meetings.  I can see now that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Of course, I still have to find a way to pay for the surgery itself, but most days I am hopeful that we will find a way to pay for this.  I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren.  I want to run again.  I want to be able to go on a 5 mile hike, to swim for hours and to climb my beloved West Virginia hills.  

And I will.

Today has been one hungry day!  Didn't get to eat until after noon, and have been hungry ever since.  The gallon  of water I've drunk has not dulled the hunger in the least.  Hoping for a better day tomorrow, gonna get up early and make myself breakfast whether I want it or not... maybe then I won't be the starving crazy woman all day.  Didn't even enjoy lunch at Waffle House, tried to be good and didn't really succeed.  

Can't wait until I get to talk to Dr. Aksade and decide which surgery I should get.  Part of my problem, I think, is that I have no idea when or how I will be able to get my surgery.  After I meet with the Dr. I hope to be in a better position to research the possibility of medical tourism, or getting a loan to pay for the surgery, or robbing a bank.

Meanwhile went grocery shopping with Bob today and got some nice fruit and veggies to help me eat more healthy, and tons of light n fit yogury!

but I'm getting through it, so far with some success!  The boys got delicious cookies from panera in their stockings, and I didn't snatch the cookie from their hands and eat them..... this is how I define victory!  We had a low key holiday this year, less decorating, fewer gifts, no holiday baking, and much less debt and stress than ever before.  We did bake for Santa, a Christmas Eve tradition, but only made enough for Bob and the boys to have a couple of cookies each, and to leave a few for Santa.  I wasn't really tempted.....much!

Didn't get around to shopping for a big holiday meal, so we are eating normally today, especially me, since I asked Santa to refrain from putting any goodies in my stocking, and he really didn't.  I did get some nice gifts, and am currently lounging around in my new Pink Panther fleecy pajamas.  LOOOOOOVE it!

Now time to settle down with the latest Alex Cross novel by James Patterson.  Merry Christmas to all and to all, a good book!

 Don't trade what you really want for what you want now!!!

Even if what you want now is to steal a cookie from a teenager and eat it...

was not as much torture as I had expected.  I enjoyed my eggs and grits, and had 1/4 of a waffle with my orange juice.  I walked away still hungry, but at least I didn't go nuts and eat twelve waffles!!

Had a nice time with Bob and our boys; we haven't had a whole famly brunch in a while, we are usually so busy on the weekends.  I'm glad Bob is on vacation all next week, I'm gonna get out my "honey do" list and put him to work!

I'm finding that my sugar cravings have subsided, seem to be worst first thing in the morning.  I just hope when I next hop on the scale I see some positive results from recent improvements in nutrition!!

Best Buy was jammed today at noon, apparently a lot of Santa's Elves do their last minute shopping there.  We weren't there long, thank goodness, Bob knew exactly what he wanted and we got out quickly.  Great service at our neighborhood store!!  Next chore, making a grocery list and shopping for the long weekend.   

~Don't trade what you want most for what you want at the moment~

 I did some last minute shopping today, gifts for my kids and hubby from Best Buy.  The store opened at 8 AM and there was only 1 other customer there when the doors opened so I actually enjoyed shopping, for once!  

I have scheduled my first consult with my surgeon, Dr. Aksade, and now I have to start making a list of all the questions to ask and issues to bring up when we meet.  I have been feeling positive and upbeat lately, maybe this is due to the fact that I'm no longer drinking sugary soft drinks, but my mood is better than usual for this time of year.  Usually the short, grey days really make me feel down, but so far so good this winter solstice!

I still don't know how I will pay for my surgery, or when it will happen, but I am going to proceed with my planning and preparation and hope that Bob or I will get a job with better health insurance.  Somehow I feel hopeful that this surgery will happen.  Next step, looking into Medical Tourism.

Happy Holidays to all, I am looking forward to no school and no obligations until after the new year!!

Today I had my Psych evaluation for weight loss surgery.  This is a required step for all pre-ops in Dr. Aksade's program, and it was surprisingly painless.  I have been researching WLS for months now, and doing a lot of thinking about how I got into this mess that is currently my body, and what I have to do to make it right.

I spoke with the psychiatrist for a few minutes, and he seemed pleasantly surprised that I knew something about banding, RNY and sleeve, and that I had considered some of the problems that I will likely face after surgery.  I also took a couple of surveys which seemed to be looking for manic depressive issues and problems with anxiety and depression.

My next step is to see Dr. Aksade in his office in January to talk about which surgery I want and why, and to determine which surgery is really best for me, considering my goals and current health issues.  We will also make a list of pre-op testing that he will require (o joy).

I attended my first support group meeting on Tuesday night and it wasn't bad.  Lots of pre-ops were there with questions, and the person running the group has lost 124 pounds!  She looked absolutely fabulous and did offer some wisdom from her own experience, as did 3 patients who have lost 50 pounds or more since surgery.

Here's a line that I need to use on myself every time I put food in my mouth and it comes from a blog "theworldaccordingtoeggface" a really good website by a woman in california who loves food and cooking has had an RNY gastric bypass, and has lost over 150 pounds:

Don't trade what you want most, for what you want at the moment.

I am going to keep telling myself this every time temptation barks at me!! 

Today was my first succesful visit to Panera!  I love sweets and baked goods and especially bread, and I managed to stand in line for a good ten minutes, salivating at the gingerbread boys and christmas cookies, and yet had the willpower to buy only the soup and salad I had intended to buy!!!  I finally have the willpower to get what I need, not what I want....let's hope I can sustain this willpower.

So, no sleep for me tonight, but that's OK as I have a new JA Jance novel to read!  And tomorrow......i won't trade what i want most for what i want at the moment!!

 Thanks to the Obestiy Helps website I am writing my first ever Blog!    I have no idea what to write, so I guess I'll just let 'er rip!  I am a pre-surgical patient in Easton, PA.  I was just referred to my weight loss surgeon, Dr. Aksade, this fall.  I have big hopes for WLS and how it can help me change my life, but right now I'm afraid that it won't happen.  

My current health insurance won't cover the surgery so I  have to find some way to pay for it  and the sooner the better!  Since my husband's employer, Johnson & Johnson, claims to be a healthcare company, it really enrages me that they have chosen an insurance plan for their employees that does not cover WLS or any other bariatric services.  

Well, I have already decided I am gonna have this surgery, so now I just have to figure out how.  Meanwhile I will continue to go through the classes, evaluations and support group meetings that Easton Hospital requires of all prep-op patients.  Hopefully either I will get a job or Bob will get a new job, and I will then be good to go.  

No matter how it happens I now know that the only way I can ever really live my life is to lose a lot of weight and soon.  I am working hard to modify how I think and feel about food and eating, and also to modify my eating habits.  I've lost 10 pounds since early November, which is very encouraging.  I plan to continue to work on my eating changes every day and to try to exercise as much as my damaged body will let me.  

Here goes!
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