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Goals

Be able to wear a smaller size by Fall

0 People
 in progress, 
1 Person
 achieved this

Use my hand weights to tighten my flabby arms

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 in progress, 
0 People
 achieved this

Play with my dog without getting so tired

1 Person
 in progress, 
0 People
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not be embarrassed to see old friends from high school or college.

83 People
 in progress, 
50 People
 achieved this

feel confident instead of always wondering what people think about my size

22 People
 in progress, 
3 People
 achieved this
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I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life - one that has been waiting to be written for many years.  It's exciting, scary, happy, sad, rejuvenating, and sometimes painful.  I'm ready to face all sides of the truth now.  And so thankful to have another opportunity to start over.  I really don't want to waste this one!
MissRachel's Blog
MissRachel's Blog


Motivation and Demotivation and Remotivation
on September 20, 2009 11:44 pm
 Motivation:
I'm losing weight nice and steady.  I'm down 40 lbs!  My BMI is down to 41.5!  Getting my 3rd fill in the morning and should be at or close to 9cc in my 11cc band.  Fitting into smaller sizes and getting ready to get rid of my biggest clothes 'cause you know I'm never going back there.  

Demotivation:
I haven't been on my treadmill in over 2 weeks.  I've got the blues.  I think I set my September exercise goal too high for myself even though I know it's the minimum of exercise I should be doing this month (45 min 4 to 5 days a week).  But I'm not doing it.  And now I'm being a little hard on myself.  I forgive everyone else in the world much easier than I forgive myself.  So ... I acknowledge that I have not lived up the goal I set for myself.  It's not a goal anyone else set for me.  I'm going to focus on moving forward and not letting this drag me down.  I know - I sound like a whiner.  Sorry!

Remotivation:
Tomorrow I'm going to do at least 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I'm not going to push myself to meet the September goal in these last few days - that would do more harm than good.  I'm going to ramp up to October and set mini-goals for myself instead of one big goal for the month.  Focus on one day at a time!  
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I Did It!
on August 31, 2009 5:13 pm
 I have 99 lbs to lose to hit my personal goal.  That is technically less than 100 lbs to go so I'm happy!  I'm really proud of me - and I rarely say that.  Well...I rarely said it before - I'm trying to tell myself that more often.  So let me say it again - I'm proud of ME!  

Now...let's see if I can hit that September exercise goal:  800 minutes in September.  
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Getting REALLY Close to that Milestone!
on August 28, 2009 11:48 pm
Okay - since 8/15 I've lost 4.5 lbs - so that means today I'm only 1.5 lbs away from that first short-term goal.  I'm really hoping I can lose it this week.  I may not make it by Tuesday and that's okay.  This IS the week it will happen.  If I have less than 100 lbs left to lose I'll feel like I've really done something wonderful.  But don't get me wrong - I'm happy about every lb I've lost so far!!!

Have a great weekend!  Hope you are all doing really well!
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Almost at a milestone!
on August 15, 2009 12:01 am
I just have to share - because suddenly this seems like it really could happen!  If I lose another 6 lbs by Aug 31 then I'll have LESS than 100 lbs to lose to reach my goal weight. 

That would be the best feeling I've had since being banded.  I can't remember that last time I had less than 100 lbs to lose.  I think it was sometime in 2003.  I'm just trucking right along losing weight each week - not big amounts but about what I was told to expect (2 lbs or so a week).  I don't want to do anything unhealthy or "cheating" to lose those 6 lbs - what would that help?  To see it come back on the next week or something would stink.  So I'm going to try to do it the right way!

Okay - this is it - I'm going to make it happen! 

Hope everyone is having a great month and that you are seeing successes that are making you happy, too!  It would be so nice for all of us to be encouraged by positive momentum!  Wishing it for all of you!!!

Take care
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Fun with Fashion!
on July 28, 2009 10:40 pm
So Mom and I went shopping today - for her, not for me.  She wanted a new shirt for a cute pair of jeans she bought.  My Mom is 76 and she's a size 12 Petite - and she dresses cute - no matronly stuff for her!  She bought some NYDJ jeans and thinks she's hot - so cute!

Anyways - so while she was shopping I thought I'd just wander over into the Plus Size area.  I wasn't planning on buying anything but thought I'd test the water on sizes.  Well....I've dropped a whole size already and almost into the next smaller size! WHEEEEE!!!!!  I used to be a 3X or a size 24.  Now I'm almost into a 20 and can wear all the 2X stuff i tried on.  So happy! 

And one shirt was a 1X - I can't remember the last time I wore a 1X!!!!!  So I bought it! LOL!  It just felt so good! 

This was the big motivator I needed to get on that treadmill and go, go go!  I want to be in a 20 again so bad.  It's like the last size where I felt good before gaining quite a bit.  I don't know why it's like a milestone for me but it is.  Not long, not long - I'll be there!

I hope everyone else is feeling good and doing well, too.  And sending kind thoughts to anyone who is not!
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My Story

July 2009
I used to wonder how I got to a place in my life where I had lost some of my confidence.  I've been living as a shadow of myself for a long time.   I've spent the majority of my adulthood being overweight - sometimes more, sometimes less.  But the past 5 or 6 years have been a rough road and my body has carried a lot of the burden.  I didn't realize for a long time how much of a burden my brain was carrying, too.  But once the curtains are drawn back - it just make sense to go ahead and open the window and let some fresh air in!  That's what my surgery and new lifestyle mean to me - fresh air and sunlight - and learning to appreciate the world in a new way.

I grew up in a military family with my parents and my older sister.  My sister and I were close to the same age (2 1/2 yr difference) and were always the best of friends.  Our personalities were so similar and we were just like peas and carrots (as Forest Gump would say - haha).  Because we were so similar and so close people would sometimes think we were twins - fraternal twins, that is. Because we couldn't have been more different physically.  She was tall (5' 9"), thin (125-145 lbs), freckled, and built a little tomboyish.  Me?  I'm short (5 '4"), overweight (285 lbs at my highest), fair, and extremely curvy.  

My sister and I had another big difference - our diets.  She had severe ulcerative colitis and suffered a lot through the years.  She couldn't eat any milk, wheat, or eggs.  So growing up our household was pretty free of all of those things.  It was a special treat to get to eat them.  Like when it would just be Mom and I going shopping, Mom would say "Let's do something special" - which meant let's go have something that we didn't normally get to eat.  Like doughnuts, waffles, cupcakes, etc.  We would go places like IHOP, Waffle House, etc, and have our "treat".  And my grandmothers - both of whom were fantastic cooks and bakers - would give me extra goodies because they wanted to make up for what they thought I was missing out on.  Even so - I stayed at a pretty normal weight through school.  I exercised a lot and stayed around a size 7.  My senior year of high school I really got thin and graduated as a size 3 to 5.  College was a little different - I was out more and not eating at home much.  And eating cheap, too.  So I graduated from college at a size 12 to 14.

And then - BAM!  I was out on my own.  Living away from home and my sister (who I missed!!!).  I didn't have to worry about anyone's special diet.  I could just have what I wanted.  And within 4 years I was a size 20 and was over 200 lbs.  And I've never been under 200 lbs since then.  That was 1994.  So for 15 years I've been the heaviest person in my family - including my Dad who is over 6' tall.  I just didn't realize it was as bad as it was.  In my mind's eye I wasn't as heavy as I was.  And then the food problems really started to kick in as the stresses of life come into play.

Fast forward to 2002 and I'm about 250 lbs and in a size 22-24.  I have a great job, bought a house, lots of friends. Life is good.  I'm one of those "big girls" who people say things to like "NO! You can't really be that size", etc.  It might have felt good to be told I didn't look "that fat" but it let me go on fooling myself too.  But one day I was at Lane Bryant and I really looked at myself from a distance in a mirror.  I didn't recognize myself.  At all.  I thought - when did THAT happen?  It was depressing.  And I started struggling and doing things out of desperation.  I did fall into the bingeing and purging cycle for a while.  I could easily spend up to $100 on junky food at the grocery store on Friday night and have eaten - and then purged - it all by Sunday morning. Or sooner.  So i confessed to my sister and since her husband was deployed to Iraq, she came to stay with me to help me try to stop.  That was around Christmas 2002.  She helped me stop the destructive cycle and lose 25 lbs and get back into an 18-20.

While my sister was staying with me she started having some health problems that led to her being diagnosed with advanced cervical cancer in February 2003.  It was devastating for all of us.  Her husband was sent home from Iraq.  And for the next  8 months we all took turns caring for her and each other.  But the cancer was too aggressive.  She died in November 2003 just 3 days shy of turning 38-years-old.  I couldn't believe she was gone.  My best friend, my sister.  I was so depressed and lost my focus on getting healthy.

Since her death almost 6 years ago, I have been all over the map with my weight and my life.  After a brief marriage (and divorce), leaving my job, selling my home, and moving back "home" to help take care of my ailing father - I hit my all-time highest weight (285 lbs).  The thought of getting close to 300 lbs was like a wake-up call for me.  I finally went to counseling and then talked really openly with my Mom.

Thank goodness I discovered a lot of hidden truths about myself through the help of a great counselor.  I am so much more self-aware today then I've been in many, many years.  I stopped the weight gain but just couldn't find the right way to lose the weight.  I'd tried all the programs and none had worked long-term and I didn't want to go through another superficial program.  One of my best friends had the LapBand surgery in May 2008 and I was intrigued by how easy it seemed for her and how much happier and healthier she was. So my Mom asked if I was ready for weight loss surgery.  I had to think about it for a long time before I said - yes, I'm ready.

So here I am.  What a blessing.  I have a goal weight in mind.  But it's such a weird thing to pick a goal weight.  I have NO CLUE what 150 lbs feels like or looks like on me.  Maybe it's the right weight - maybe it's not.  I think I'll know the right weight when I get to it.  Now i just have to get there!