Anxiety

Jan 25, 2014

So today, I got my letter from my HR department saying that I am officially approved for FMLA for 2 weeks (or more if I need it) starting the 20th. Now all I need to do is tell my boss. That;s actually the thing I'm the most nervous about... not sure why. She cant be mad at me... well she shouldn't be anyway. I also don't know if I want to tell her what surgery I'm having. On one hand, I don't feel comfortable putting it out there just yet, because I work with a very small, close knit group of people and I can guarantee once I tell her, EVERYONE will know. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I was just going to tell her I'm having my gallbladder removed. But I don't want to lie to everyone. Plus, sooner or later people will notice I'm losing a ton of weight and will probably figure it out, so the question is do I want to tell people now or later. It also might be helpful to have people that know what is going on so that they can support me with my food requirements. Also, it has been a very lonely experience with only my husband and family knowing. I wish I had someone else to talk to, a freak pair or ears to share my joy (and anxiety) with. I'm glad this place exists, but it isn't quite the same as having someone to talk to in real life. It takes some of the joy out of the process. When I got the news that I had gotten my surgery date, I immediately wanted to text a friend to share my excitement, but then I remembered I can't because no one knows.

Anyway... there's all that going on. But I'm also feeling anxious about life after the surgery. I'm wondering how I'm going to get used to eating so few calories. I mean, 800 calories, on some days I eat that just for breakfast, lol. And also, I'm worried I'll be tired all the time and have no energy. Granted, I get really tired now after work, so it can't get much worse. I mean, I have the 2 weeks off, but what if I am still feeling tired all the time when I return to work? How will I know when I am physically able to go back? (My job involves quite a bit of walking) I am also a part time graduate student, so how will this surgery affect that? Maybe I just should have taken the semester off, but I am determined to finish ASAP. I mean,  the days I have to work and go to school are at least 12 hour days. I already get exhausted (understandably) after those days, how will it be after surgery when I can ony eat about half of what I eat now?

This one is kind of crazy, I admit. I don't fully understand it myself. I'm reading on here how fast the weight can come off, especially in the "honeymoon" period, which is great! According to BMI charts, I need to weigh 180 just to be considered overweight. I would be over the moon to achieve that. But also, a small part of me is scared of the thought of my body changing that quickly. I have been an overweight person my whole life, and obese for at least 4 years. When all that goes away, I feel like I will be losing part of myself. Also, I like my curves. I like being plus sized (in a way.) That's been who I am for so long that losing that will be.... weird. I'm still processing it.

What if this step is too drastic? Maybe if I tried a little harder and really focused, I could lose the weight 'on my own.' I have done many diets in the past as we all have, but I have always lost focus after the first couple of weeks and therefore never lost more than a few pounds. But maybe if I just tried again....

Finally, and this is the big one, what if I can't do it? What if I can't stick to the diet? What if I give in to my cravings and go back to my old way of eating? Then what? I would feel like the ultimate failure. If I gain all the weight back, then what? I would have spent all that money, all that time and effort for nothing. I would feel worthless. And if/when people at work and my other friends find out about the surgery and they see me fail, that will make me feel worse.

These are some of the things that have been making me anxious. Whenever I have these thoughts I keep trying to remind myself that things have gotten out of control with my weight due to several circumstances, and with this surgery I have the best chances of being healthy again. Even if I did manage to lose weight 'by myself' I have a high chance of gaining it back. The time to do something is NOW, while I am still young and have no co morbidities. I have to take this leap to save myself from this path I am on. I am so lucky to have this opportunity, and this is a gift that I need to give to myself, my husband, my family, and my future children.  

So if you have read all of this, or even some, thanks for bearing with me. Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled. Any words of advice are welcome and appreciated.

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