May 13, 2010

May 13, 2010

I am not feeling nearly as hungry today, but thinking about it makes me wonder if I am a teensy bit obsessive. I am surprised by my ability to stick to this diet. NOT thrilled with the whole liquid in=liquid out theory, if you know what I mean. Amazing how the weight drops. I tried creamed cheddar cheese soup today, just for grins and giggles...blech. Nothing doing, the smell alone made me gag. Back to cream of chicken, I guess. Its a good thing I am a person who sticks with one or two kinds of food and doesnt get bored, I think me and cream of chicken are fast friends.
Its SO hard to cook for my family and remember not to taste test or sample. I almost picked up some shredded lettuce last night from the taco dinner I had made...caught myself and then had a good laugh when I realized I was scolding myself for almost eating lettuce. I guess I am past the hardest part of the liquid diet, it really hasnt been too bad. I had a momentary desire for a buttered piece of bread today, but it passed quickly. I am still on a quest for the best protein drink/mix. saw one with frozen yogurt and peanut butter....great protein, too high calories. I suspect I would rather eat peanut butter by the jarful than down this protein powder after my surgery, but I will stick to the plan. surely there is something out there palatable.
A week from today, if all goes as planned, I will be recovering from my surgery. I am ready.

I think I will journal my thoughts as I go along. It will be good to be able to look back. Maybe I will write a book, someday. I would probably call it: "I know you're in there somewhere". I spent some time yesterday going through old photographs. It is amazing to me how few I am actually in. Thinking back, I have avoided cameras like the plague. I feel like I have done a disservice to my family, there are no family protraits of us over the years. My kids are half grown now, I hope they will forgive the lack of pictures of me. I wonder in a way if they will feel like they are participating in a lie someday, when I am more than happy to see a camera and look forward to having my picture taken with them? Years of our lives will be missing photographically, and then poof! mom will magically appear, skinny and happy. I think it is important to have a real record, so I will force myself to post pictures that I did find. I am ashamed to show them, honestly. But I am in control now, and it will be ok.

I am down exactly 30 pounds today, over the last 7 or so months. a decent chunk of that has been this week of liquids. Imagine another week? I have to admit, I almost changed my mind the other day. Jim is convinced that if I can lose this much, I can keep going. I dont think he has a clue how hard it is. He is trying to stop smoking, and he isnt succeeding. But even that is no comparison, we do not HAVE to be around cigarrettes. we do have to be around food. Nothing about this process has been easy. Food is how we relate to one another, we take a lot of comfort in cooking wonderful meals. It was hard for him to eat last night, he had tacos and I had cream of chicken soup. He feels bad. I cannot seem to convince him that I am choosing this, that I am ok.  I hope he will not be a jerk at the hospital, I really want him to comfort me, not the other way around. Part of me knows that if I do hurt, I will fight to hide that from him. I dont think that is very healthy, but it is what it is.

anyway, a picture. Gonna start with me currently, taken yesterday. egads


 


scary.

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