nfarris79
You gotta be kidding me....
Oct 18, 2011
I think God is having a good laugh at me. Humor at my expense. That must be it, because I can't imagine I deserve this crap.So, I was coping ok with my FIL diagnosis of prostate cancer. Unfortunate, but there's a good plan of action so I was feeling pretty confident on that. Then the financial stuff. For yet another quarter, I can't afford to pay the IRS. Come April, we're gonna have to come up with a ton of money. The fun of independent practice.... Um, then there came the renewals - condo warranty, malpractice insurance, car insurance, condo insurance, national certification, professional membership. Oh, and the HUGE AmEx bill. And the alleged Christmas gift (my mom told me to book our Christmas flight last month and she'd send me the money to cover the tickets. Yeah. Right. Never happened. Because she was too busy to buy stamps. Let me call AmEx right up and tell them I can't pay my bill on time because of lack of stamps.). Blood pressure is ratcheting up slowly at this point.
So getting to today - we have our first visit with the new oncologist. Our eldest cat was diagnosed with 2 types of cancer a year ago and had been doing great in fighting it. Today was our follow-up to do an ultrasound and bloodwork. The good news is her intestines look clear. But the bad news is she has fluid accumulation in her abdomen that may indicate that the cancer has spread to her mesentary (tissue within the abdomen). Considering I've had 2 grandmothers who have died from metastatic cancer, all I hear from the vet is "you're not going to have another Christmas with your baby". I don't want to be ungrateful, because when she was first diagnosed, I prayed to God that if He could just see her thru my surgery, that's all I would ask. I just couldn't deal with losing her right at such a difficult time in my life. But cancer doesn't care about difficult times, or the right time, or the "if onlys". Cancer doesn't listen to rationale or bargaining.
My husband is VERY unraveled by this. I'm thinking of pushing the therapy idea again, seeing someone who specializes in grief. I really don't think we'll be able to get thru this without some professional help. In front of him, I'm trying to keep strong and not let on what I'm feeling. I know that he needs to hear the positive and the hopeful or he'll really fall to pieces. Between his father's diagnosis and having to face that cancer may have come back in our fur-baby, he's holding on to his composure with just a tenuous thread; it's hard to be the stoic & realistic one, when I want to just succumb to emotional reactions too. I also feel incompetent in this. I can't do anything to change Princess's health. I feel insufficient to buoy my husband from what he feels. Alot of life is feeling like I'm grasping at sand.
My hope is that tomorrow we get good pathology results and there could be another cause for her fluid buildup, something less insidious. But somehow I feel like cancer will get her and I worry that I may not have it in me to fight this again. It's not just the financial thing - who knows how many thousands we've already spent on her care - but it's an emotional battle that may be fighting something inevitable. I just really hate cancer.....
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About Me
Germantown, MD
Location
24.3
BMI
Surgery
04/13/2011
Surgery Date
Jan 07, 2011
Member Since
