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Surgeon TestimonialSteven C. Simon, M.D., F.A.C.S.I had originally thought I would go with Alan Newhoff, but decided to go with Dr. Simon (same office) because Dr. Newhoff does not yet do LAP- RNY (only open) and I think that is the surgery for me.
- Family & Friends - I have a wonderful husband and 3 GREAT kids!
- Travel - I am a Flight Attendant
- Theater - Have only seen 2 plays on Broadway but I plan to see more
- Computer and Internet Surfing - I am pretty obsessed with this site! I hope to find other things to do post op
Quick check in on January 24, 2008 3:26 pm
Well, I have actually been going to the gym - KICKING AND SCREAMING ALL THE WAY!!! LOL But going none the less! Like I said before, I have a great work out once I am there, it is just getting me out of the house.
A bit frustrated today with things that have nothing to do with WLS, but other than that doing ok. Depression sucks!
Today is day 5 of taking my vitamins! Yeah me!!!
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Time for some accountability on January 20, 2008 3:20 pm
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For me that is. Derrick was asking me yesterday why I have such a hard time taking my vitamins like I am supposed to.
Fact is, I HAVE NO REASON! I know I need to take them, I knew when I researched RNY that I would have to take them, I know I feel better when I take them! WTF??? All I can guess is that I have ALWAYS been one to do exactly the opposite of what I "HAVE TO" do.
All I can do now is to recommit to taking them as I am supposed to, and just start from here. WOO HOO!! DAY 2 of actuallly taking my vitamins!! LOL
IT IS THE DEVIL!!!!! But again, I know I need it, I knew when I researched RNY that I would have to do it, I know I feel better when I work out!! But I think my aversion to this has more to do with my depression. If I could, I would be in my bedroom 24/7. But my DH won't let me most of the time! Thank God! Once I am @ the gym, I am ok and get in a good workout - not to mention that I get to sit in the hot tub afterward! MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT!! I have actually been to the gym yesterday and the day before. We are taking today off and going again every day this week, even if it is just for 45 min of cardio on Tue and Thurs! I hope this will also help my depression.
ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE:
DEPRESSION: This tiger has got me by the tail!! It has become more and more debilitating over the last 2 years. I see a counselor and take antidepresstants, but nothing seems to work. I wonder how much of this is related to my WLS? I believe that I had some depression after my mom's death in 2000, but it was managable and did not become a concern until about a year after WLS. At that time I started taking low doses of antidepressants for a short period of time. Until about 2 years ago. I think I was doing ok when I was taking a name brand antidepressant, but then the generic became available so my ins. will no longer cover the name brand. In talking to the pharmacist, I found that although the main ingredient in the antidepressant is the same in generic as name brand, what they mix them with are different. I believe that I must malabsorb the generic due to whatever it is mixed with! Therefore I am not getting the desired effect of the drug. My counselor agrees and he is contacting my PCP to see what the two of them can do about getting the name brand covered for me. I really can't afford the $100 a month the name brand will cost me but then, I really cant afford to lose the job that I LOVE in the meantime.
I guess what I really need to research is:
Is there a marked increase in depression in WLS patients? If so, is it due to malabsorbtion of antidepressants or is it due to chemical changes (imbalance) caused by WLS? Or am I just plain CRAZY?!
Any input would be appriciated.
This slide show is from our recent trip (June 5-8 2006) to the island of Oahu, HI. We had a wonderful time visiting Waikiki, the North Shore, and the Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor with Derrick's mom and our friends Bill and Lisa!! It went by way too fast!!!
The picture above is the begining of my journey. 227 lbs June 2004
My most current picture. 134lbs January 12, 2006. almost 19 months post-op
This is a picture of Derrick who is my best friend, my husband and my rock. He is taking his own WLS journey as well as riding along on mine. The pic on left was taken in June 2004 (358 lbs, 1 month pre-0p) the pic on right was taken on August 22, 2005 (204 lbs, 13 months post op). Below is the link to his OH profile. To go to his profile, copy and paste the link below into your address bar and hit go.
April 13,2004 I am tired of "Dieting". I feel like I have been on a diet since I was in high school just to stay under 250lbs. My mother died of a massive
heart attack @ 54yrs old and her sister had bypass surgery before she was 50. I do not want to leave my kids and husband any earlier than I have to and I think that if I stay at this weight or -God forbid- gain more, I will do just that.
I have spent the last 2 days, since I found this website, reading the memorials. I am heartbroken and energized at the same time. Everyone of the profiles I read looked so forward to being "normal" and healthy and knew the risks. I feel the same way. I want the weight gone but I am scared of the surgery but I know that I can't continue this way but so much can go wrong but if I continue @ this weight I am just dying slower but if something goes wrong during surgery I am going to die sooner. Do I sound like Sybil yet??? Does everyone have this inner conflict?
I have my informational meeting in 2 Days and will know more then. I don't even know that I will quailfy yet. My BMI is around 38 but I have several co-morbities. Wish me luck.
April 19, 2004
Well, I went to the info session on 4/15. 219. I haven't weighed that in years, but that is what I weighed on Thursday. (BMI 36.4) I was sure it would disqualify me from the procedure, but the Dr thought the co-morbidities were enough combined with my weight and BMI. I guess I am playing the waiting game now. I have sent for all of my medical records and they need to get them before they can submit it to the insurance. It can't come soon enough. I am almost obsessed with this.
May 2, 2004
Last Tuesday, April 27, I decided to check with the surgeon's office to see if they had recieved any of my medical records. They told me at that time that they had not only recieved all of my medical records but they had already sent it into the insurance for approval!! They sent it in on April 20!! So now I am really excited! I have called the insurance every day since to see if it has been approved yet. They are all sounding very optimistic. They said it is in the final stages of approval and although it has not yet been approved, not once is there a mention of it not being necessary or not covered. It should just be a matter of days. Pray for me!
May 4, 2004
I am Going Crazy Waiting to hear from insurance!! I know I probably shouldn't, but I have called daily since I knew the Dr's Office submitted my paperwork for approval. Today I asked to talk to the person working on it. Of corse, they said I couldn't, but they did put a "rush" on it (at least he said he was going to).
While I am waiting, I am going to tell you a little about myself. I am 36 years old and I have been with my husband Derrick since we were 19 years old (and I really do still like him!!). He is finally going back to school to get a career rather than just continue to toil away at meaningless jobs. I am in awe of him and the strength it has taken for him to take this HUGE step toward his future. Derrick and I have 3 great kids. Christopher is 15 and he just got his driver's permit last week (and you think WLS makes me nervous!! lol). He is also Dad's personal tutor- Thanks son! Morgan is 14 and is a typical teenaged girl - giggly and gossipy - but she is also the brightest kid I have ever met! (and I am not just saying this because I am a very proud mom) Devin is 13 and she is the most loving child I could ever hope for - she will always be our baby!! I am very lucky to have these 4 incredible people in my life.
I have been a Flight Attendant since November of 1997. I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! And although my weight has not yet been an issue with the company, it does effect the way I feel when working. I had lost 80 lbs using Fen/Phen and kept it off for about the first 3 years flying. I have done this job @150 lbs and @ the weight I am now and I gotta say, it is a whole hell of a lot easier to do at the lower weight than it is now! My back aches, my knees ache, and my ankles are always very swollen at the end of the day. But the worst part is the looks I get and the humiliation I feel having to go down the aisle side stepping so as not to bump EVERYONE sitting in an aisle seat with my hips. I know most overweight people are self-conscience about taking up too much of an airplane seat, but just imagine how it feels to be embarassed about taking up too much of the shared Flight Attendant jump seat!! I can't wait to not have to worry about that any more!!
I guess that is enough for now. Hopefully the next time I log on it will be to tell you that I have been approved and have a date! I also need to write about the other people in my life that are being so supportive. Pray for me.
May 6, 2004
Thank you Shannon for making my profile "My Profile"!!!! It looks great!!!
May 13, 2004
Well, nothing new. Still waiting to hear back from the insurance company. Had psyche eval May 3. Dr said although there is some depression (already on meds) she sees no reason not to ok me for surgery. She said she would fax the eval to my surgeon last Monday (5/10/04), not done yet. I just guess this is the way this is going to go for me. Everything is going to take as long as it possibly can.
There has been good news though. The friend who told me about this surgeon finally got her approval (we work at the same company and have the same insurance)!! I am so happy for her. She has been waiting a lot longer than I have but I am still a little jealous. She will soon be on her way to enjoying the rest of her life and I am just here spinning my wheels. I can't wait until it is my turn.
May 14, 2004
I can't believe it! 3 1/2 weeks and I am approved!! I set my sights on WLS 29 days ago and it is very close to being a reality for me!! I have my pre-op classes scheduled for June 6 and June 19 (if I wanted to do them on the same day, I would have to wait until July 9th and that just sounded so far away). After that they will give me my date.
Thank you all for your prayers and support to get me to this point. Keep me in your prayers as I continue this journey.
I'M APPROVED!!!! (I like saying that!)
I HAVE A DATE!!!!! I HAVE A DATE!!!
JUNE 28, 2004!!!!
I AM SO EXCITED, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW SO I WILL UPDATE LATER.
May 21, 2004
Derrick and I just got back from Phoenix today and guess what I found in my mail box -- The hard copy of the insurance approval, the surgery date from Dr Simon's office and the paperwork to fill out for the hospital. It's real! It is really going to happen!
Derrick and I were in Phoenix to attend the group meeting @ AZ Bariatrics. Derrick is now interested in finding out more about the surgery for himself. He is really leaning toward doing it after I do. Of corse, Dr Newhoff joked that what Derrick is waiting for is to see if I live through it or not! :P We are going to go through the approval process for him and he can decide when he is ready to. Even if he decides not to do it, at least he has the same information that I do and he will be more prepared to help me through it.
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words! Thank you sooo much for praying for me and please continue to do so as we walk through this journey. I will pray for all of you too.
June 1, 2004
My surgery date is posted on the AZ Bariatric Surgeons page in the "Surgeries this month" column! Little things like that keep reminding me that this is really happening. I think I am still kinda in shock about how quickly this is progressing.
I have had a lot of support but I did have my first face-to-face conversation with someone who was not too supportive. She was not adversarial (sp?) by any means, but she definately let me know how she felt about it. My friend is a nurse and has worked with people who have had the surgery. Many people in our area have had complications and she wanted to be sure that I knew all sides and implications of what I was doing. Her husband is aparently very against me doing this (which I don't think he would ever tell me himself). I really respect the opinions of these two people. They are the kind of people that everyone should have in thier lives, and I worry about this becoming an issue between us. I hope that they can respect my decision to go through with this.
I have really not told a lot of people about the surgery. I have told 4 people I work with (Flight Attendants do not tend to understand MO) my sisters, I just told my dad and my brother last week and these two friends (well, really I told her and she told her husband). My (not yet finished, gotta run-I'll be back!)
June 20, 2004
Wow, it really has been a long time since I updated. Heck, I didn't even finish my last update! LOL
Well, to say a lot has happened since then is quite an understatement! In the last two weeks, we have decided to leave our beautiful little town of Glide and all of our wonderful friends and move to Wisconssin.
It really is what I want to do and think that we couldn't have made a better choice, but I am SOOO sad!!! We just left 3 days ago and I am HOMESICK! The really funny part of that is I have only lived there 3 years! In that short period of time, I have made dear friends and loved the home we lived in so much that I consider that my hometown!!! I lived the first 33 years of my life in Arizona and I didn't feel 1/2 as displaced when we moved to Oregon as I do now! I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to the family that I considered a part of my own because we were so busy!!! and we got home late the last night we were there so they didn't get a chance to come over before we left. Not that we didn't see them in the week before we left (we had dinner @ thier house on Monday night and they own the home we were renting so they were just on the other side of the barn) but we never really said our goodbyes. I guess, deep down, I am really glad we didn't because I couldn't have handled it. I am sitting here crying as I type this - I would have been a bigger basket case if I would have had to say goodbye in person!! I will miss them terribly!! But I know that I will see them again. As well as the other wonderful people we left behind.
Well onward!! We are moving near family again!! My sister and her three boys. They have always lived far from our family (close to the exhusband's family) so it is definately time to get to know her and her boys. And since she can't come to us (shared custody issues) we are going to her. She and I both fly (different airlines) and she is actually out of town more than I am because of her seniority (or lack of seniority I should say). She really has no support system there since her boyfriend (great guy!) had to go to Mississippi for training (he is in the AF reserves) and that is really hard for a flight attendant with children. By us moving there, we can share expenses and survailence (teenagers require survailence rather than supervision). My husband gets to take on most of the household responsibilties since he will be the adult at home the most. GOOD LUCK, BABY!! LOL
Today is Father's Day and Derrick and our son are in WI (the girls and I are in Arizona). My sister Paula, her son Brian and our niece Avauntee are taking them to Six Flags for the day. That is also one of the plusses of moving there! We are Theme Park JUNKIES and we will be living 30 minutes from one. Paula, her boys and now Derrick have year's passes so we plan to get a lot of use out of them! I hope they have a great time!! I am jealous, but I would have gone without them in a heartbeat! LOL
One week from tomarrow is the big day. With so much going on, I haven't had a whole lot of time to obsess over it so that is another blessing this move has given me! I have taken every opportunity to shove whatever I want to in my mouth the past 3 weeks. I thought for sure that I have gained at least 20 lbs since I first weighed at the surgeon's office April 15th. I was SHOCKED yesterday to see that I have only gained 3 lbs!! Thank Godness! I thought for sure I was just adding more lbs to have to take off post op.
I am not nervous- YET. I am sure it is comming. I am just so looking forward to being on the other side of this, that I haven't found a reason enough to be nervous. Derrick has been even more of a help to me then I think he knows. He has been adamant about me taking my multi-vitamin and protien for the last 3 weeks. He knows that by doing those things now, my body will be better prepared to heal itself from the trauma of surgery. He also knows that if he doesn't keep on me about it, I would probably slack off. I may get testy with him sometimes, but I really appriciate everything he does for me! He always knows when to step up and take the reigns. His turn now, my turn later. I don't know where I would be without him!! And I would rather not find out!
June 27, 2004
Tomarrow is the big day! I don't feel nervous, but I haven't slept much and I have noticed that both my husband and I seem a little on edge. Of course, that could be for a lot of reasons, but I prefer to think that it is all his fault!! LOL
Derrick and I left for Phoenix on Thursday afternoon because the Friday morning flight would not get me to the dr's office on time for my history and physical. We are staying with my sister, Phyllis and her 2 kids (Avauntee and Gabriel). I HAD ALMOST FORGOTTEN HOW HHHOOOOOTTTTT IT IS HERE!!!!! (just makes me miss Glide that much more!) My poor car doesn't like it here either. I drove it here the week we moved and it has overheated everytime we get in it! Derrick fixed it to where we can drive it, but without the AIRCONDITIONING during the hottest part of the day. I guess I can't have everything!!
Derrick already got his insurance approval!!! (only 8 days)While @ the surgeon's office on Friday, we made his pre op class appointments - one yesterday and the other next Saturday! He joked that, as fast as things are going for him, he will be having his surgery before me! JERK! LOL On Monday, he should be able to get his surgery date. I hope it is within the time that I am already out for my surgery so that I don't have to take any more time off.
Well,this is it until I am on the other side!! Pray for me!
Well, here I am on the other side!! The grass is actually greener. LOL I guess I should just do a quick catch up on what has been happening.
The surgery went fine but I was kept in recovery until after 8pm (my surgery was at 1pm). I had a lot of nausia (sp) and I don't really remember anything until I was in my room. Ahhh I already miss my morphine drip!! LOL
I had a couple of ladies from my informations classes at the surgeon's office to keep me company on my many trips around the floor. Thanks for keeping my butt moving even when I didn't want to!
The most unpleasant part of my hospital stay were the questions from a couple of the CNAs. The first one was really pleasant when she asked me what I was doing there. "you do not look big enough to be having this surgery." I wasn't quite up to defending my decision, so I just replied really quickly and let it go at that. The next one went so far as to ask "Do you think your doctor only doing your surgery for the money?" It is a good thing that I am very confident in my decision because if I had had the slightest bit of "buyer's remorse" I would have really had a tough time of it.
I do have more to say, but once again, duty (making dinner) calls. I will write more later.
My three most important reasons to have WLS! Devin, 13, Morgan, 15 and Christopher 16.
September 6, 2004
Is it later yet?!
Actually, today is 9 weeks since my surgury.
I haven't really wanted to update my profile. I guess it is because up to very recently, I had a world class case of "buyer's remorse". I have felt AWFUL!!! Constantly tired, nausious, hungry (mostly head hunger),depressed, did I mention tired?
I have not been able to take in protien, chicken and tuna make me puke. Just yesterday was the first day I was able to eat cheese without it comming back up.
I returned to work about 3 weeks ago and I think that is the only reason I am doing as well as I am now. I have no choice but to get up and do what I need to do. But I have NO STRENGTH!! I can barely get my own bag in the overhead (I had to have help this entire weekend), and I have to use the seatback to help myself stand back up any time I had to get anything from under the seat. I can't believe I don't even have the strength in my legs to stand up from a squating position!!!! And I am experiencing severe cramping in my back and right shoulder. I think that is from dehydration because a person needs 2X the amount of fluid when flying and I am having trouble even getting in 40-64 oz of fluid a day.
But even with all of that, I have met a few of my personal goals:
I can sit in the 2nd position Flight Attendant jumpseat AND fasten the seatbelt!!
I can share clothes with my daughters! (my husband doesn't like this one too much)
I AM NOT "OBESE" ANY MORE!!! I AM MEARLY OVERWEIGHT. :p
I have lost more than 50% of my excess weight in 8 weeks.
The only things missing right now is feeling good and having energy!! I wish I could be enjoying this time, but I am feeling so lousy most of the time, any enjoyment is short lived.
I know that this will all pass and that is what keeps me going. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.
The best part of all of this is that Derrick and I are doing this together. HE IS LOOKING FABULOUS!!! And he lets me know how well I am doing. He has taken me to buy a couple shirts and a pair of shorts in the corect size. Thank goodness he is not afraid to tell me what he likes for me to wear because, if it weren't for him, I would still be wearing my baggy sweats, big jeans and t-shirts! He has great taste in clothes so I have been "in style" lately! LOL
Well, I guess he can now get off my back about updating my profile!! LOL :P
The picture on the left is Derrick and I Outside of our home in Oregon about 3 weeks before my surgery (June 2004). (Derrick weighs about 350 and I weigh about 227) The picture on the right is my love and I @ a pumpkin patch in Wisconssin on Oct. 17,2004. I was about 3 1/2 months post op and Derrick was almost 3 months post op.
This picture was taken Christmas Eve as we were leaving the YMCA to go to mass. THE SCALE SAYS I WEIGH 148-- NO LONGER OVERWEIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE!!!
148 lbs!!!!!!!!!!! My bmi is 24.6 which means I am OFFICIALLY not overweight any more!! I am "normal". Now that is one name that I have never been called before! LOL What a Christmas present that is!
We don't own a scale (I would become a Scale Whore - on it every minute of the day!) but yesterday at the YMCA I weighed in @ 148 so I am taking that and I will not weigh again for a month!! (I promise)
So much has happened since my last update that it is hard to know where to begin so I will just hit the highlights:
*We moved back to Oregon!! (Crazy stuff in WI!! I'll be in counseling for years!!)
*We moved with no $$ and no place to go, but the friends that we left behind took us in -- You can't pick your family, but thank God for the people that you choose to have in your lives!! We picked our friends well. I love you all!
*I hurt myself @ work in mid October and I am still fighting the insurance company to pay it as an On the Job Injury! SOOO FRUSTRATING!!! I have been going to Physical Therapy 2x a week for 2 months now! Seeing some improvement, but it looks like a long road ahead.
*Joined the YMCA. Water aerobics!! Can't do much else (treadmill, elipticycle w/o arms) but I love the water aerobics and the hot tub!
*Derrick has lost over 100lbs and looks wonderful!! I am SOO PROUD of him!! (I will try to update the pictures on my website sometime later today)
Well, it is only 4am and I am awake thanks to my baby brother in Germany who called @ 330 to wish us a Merry Christmas- I love you, Bro, but you suck!! lol I am going to try to get some more sleep before the festivities today! (I am glad all of the cookies and candies are almost gone!! I can't stay away from them!!)
I am having the best Christmas that I have had in many years!! Still miss Mom with every bit of my heart!! Wish she was here. But we had a great Christmas Eve and plan to have a better Christmas Day.
JUNE 28, 2005
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES!!
I know that sounds cleche, but I really feel that. I cannot believe the physical difference! I don't think my personality has changed. I have the same friends, I still LOVE my job, MY HUSBAND IS STILL THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, and I have had the strength to remove most of the poisonous people from my life.
I have not had much access to the internet in the past 6 months so I have not been able to update my profile as I would have liked. Hopefully that will end soon and I promise (as most people do on anniversary dates) that I will update my profile more often because I feel that this part of life with WLS is very important too.
SOME OF THE CHANGES:
Weight: 227lbs 133lbs
BMI 36.6 21.5
Uniform size 24 8
Regular clothes 24 4-7 depending on maker
1. To be able to bid 2nd position w/o worring about being able to fit in the seatbelt. - I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTS!!
2. Share clothes with my girls. - I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS FOR 4 MONTHS BECAUSE MY HUSBAND DOES NOT WANT THEM TO WEAR THE CLOTHES HE HAS PICKED OUT FOR ME (I love that he finds me so physically attractive!!), I AM SHORTER THAN THEM AND SO I WEAR PETITE - THEY WEAR TALL. I CANNOT BELIEVE THE CLOTHES THAT I CAN WEAR THAT ACTUALL LOOK GOOD ON ME!! LOL I HAVE TRIED ON LOTS OF SIZE 4 CLOTHES THAT FIT AND LOOK GOOD BUT I HAVE NOT BOUGHT ANY THAT SIZE BECAUSE MY CRAZY HEAD TELLS ME THAT IT WOULD BE A WASTE OF MONEY BECAUSE I COULD NOT POSSIBLILY STAY THAT SIZE - BUT I WILL WRITE MORE ABOUT MY CRAZINESS LATER!
3. To no longer be obese. - I NOW WEIGH 133LBS!! I THOUGHT I HAD STOPPED LOSING IN JANUARY AND HAD BEEN FLUXUATIONG BETWEEN 143-148 (I only weigh at the doctor's office. I do not own a scale for my own sanity) BUT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO WE NOTICED THAT MY CLOTHES STARTED HANGING ON ME. I HAVE LOST ANOTHER 10 LBS. I THINK THAT SINCE I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO EAT MORE, MY BODY IS MAKING BETTER USE OF THE PROTIEN. MY DR WEIGHED ME IN AT 133 AND HAS DONE BLOOD WORK. ALTHOUGH I AM ANEMIC AND MY B12 IS LOW, THEY WERE NOT AT DANGEROUS LEVELS. I AM NOW TAKING AN ADDED IRON SUPPLIMENT AND A B12 SHOT EVERY 2 WEEKS.(JUST STARTED THAT LAST WEEK)MY NEW CLOTHES ARE STILL GETTING BIGGER BUT I HAVE NOT BEEN ON A SCALE TO SEE WHAT I WEIGH. I FIGUE IT WILL STOP WHEN IT IS READY.
4. To feel better. - IN GENERAL I AM FEELING BETTER ALTHOUGH SINCE I HURT MYSELF AT WORK MY MIGRANES ARE BACK. I HADN'T HAD ANY FROM THE TIME OF MY SURGURY UNTIL THEN SO I KNOW THEY ARE RELATED. I AM FINALLY GETTING MORE ENERGY.
Well, those are the only goals that I can remember off of the top of my head but I will find my list and finish it as soon as I can.
One thing that I didn't expect is the craziness in my head. When I look in that mirror (or any mirror for that matter) I still see the person I saw 12 months ago. When I am talking to someone about anything, I still make references to the "fat girl" that I have always been. (ie:on the flight home last saturday I was talking to the lady next to me and in the course of the conversation I mentioned that I have been overweight my whole life. She was a bigger person and she looked at me like I had three heads!! I then had to explain to a complete stranger about my WLS so that she didn't think that this thin person sitting next to her was completely out of her mind!! She must have been thinking the same thing I always did when I was talking to someone that I had assumed had never been overweight a day in thier lives: "How dare you try to identify with my struggle!! Two lbs of water weight during your time of the month does not qualify as a struggle with weight! Go find someone that cares 'Anorexia Girl'!!!) I still cannot accept what is in the mirror and have to take a picture to see me. IS THAT CRAZY OR WHAT!!! I was shocked to see a picture of myself this weekend! I am actually SKINNY!!! (see what I mean by crazy! lol)
I have a real issue with the way my body looks now. The extra skin is really hanging and I do not like looking at myself without clothes on. Derrick teases that he doesn't have to worry about me having an affair because he knows I would never allow anyone else to see my body the way it looks right now. LOL - "Be careful what you ask for , you just might get it"
Well I guess that is enough for now. I will write again when I can!! Thank you all for your prayers and support! I couldn't have made it this far without you!
This is my georgeous husband!! Aug.22, 2005 (down to 204! -154lbs)
And me at the river behind our home on the same day.
September 2, 2005
My husband has been away with the girls visiting his mom for the last couple of days, so that has given me way more time than I need for my crazy little mind to wander.
Today I started thinkiing a lot about the fact that I have really been obsessing over food lately!!! I am not hungry, I am not having cravings and I am not even wishing that I could eat more. but I am spending HOURS reading through a cookbook that I just bought and constantly bringing home cakes, pies, cookies and brownies. Once these things are in the house, I may have some but usuallly I don't have any of it. It is like, once I have it available to me, I am done with it. It is just like it was with soda. I couldn't go on a trip without one in my lunch bag. I would come home from every trip with the same UNOPENED bottle of Diet Coke with lime that I left with, but if I didn't have it with me, all I would think about the whole trip was how much I wanted a Diet Coke with lime!!
I am not worried about how this obsession will affect me, I dump if I have too much sugar and I hate that feeling so I WILL NOT let myself eat enough of it to make me sick (I know just how much is too much!) I am terrified about what it will do for my husband and children. When Derrick and I went to our first meeting with the surgeon after Derrick had decieded to have RNY, he commented on the high number of spouses of his patients that gain weight after thier wife/husband has the surgery. His theory is that the spouse will finish what the WLS patient leaves on thier plate, therefore nearly doubling thier caloric intake which causes them to become obese. He is probably right in most instances, but I also know that what I am doing to my family is something quite different. WOW, what an epithany!!
You know that scene in "The Pirates of the Carribean" where Captain Barbosa has the banquet laid out for Elizabeth and he is just watching her eat? Then he says "Try the apple next!" Because he misses the taste of food, especially apples and wants to watch her enjoy it.
I came to the realization today that I know they love these sugar ladden treats and I like watching my family enjoy these goodies! So I keep bringing them home and my family (Derrick is not effected by sugar the way I am, it takes a whole lot more to make him sick) keeps eating them. I am loving them right into obesity!! (my bad habit has not caused Derrick to regain any weight - yet) And that is something that I need to really work on changing so that my kids don't have to go to the extreme of WLS just to be "normal" like Derrick and I have.
Food has always been the way I show my love for the people around me! I LOVE to cook and bake and then invite over people that I want to spend time with to eat it! BBQs, pot lucks, I bought a nice roast at the store so I had make shreaded beef, ANY excuse to feed people makes me happy.
Derrick has asked me SEVERAL times to stop bringing the junk food into the house, and for the most part I have. Until the day he left and then I brought home 3 different cakes and a half a dozen cookies! Who is here to eat it?! Just Christopher and Dylan. Luckily, Christopher only liked the carrot cake so I threw out one of the other pieces and had the babysitter take home the other. The cookies are already gone.
I didn't realize until today what impact my actions will have on my family. Now that I have, I have no excuse to continue that behavior. Derrick has been trying to tell me this for weeks, but I couldn't understand how bringing them something they could enjoy could be a bad thing. I guess I always knew, I just didn't "get it". Sorry, guys! I'll do better!
September 6, 2005
TODAY I JOINED THE CENTURY CLUB!!! YEAH ME!! 127LBS WOW!!!
It is also the first day that all of my babies attended HIGH SCHOOL!!
Devin, Morgan and Christopher at the homecomming dance October 2005
November 20, 2005
How much can a person take?
It has been really tough around here lately. We have been dealing with my father-in-law's recent sickness. He has been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer which metastisized in his brain. The brain tumor was removed and they believe they got about 98% of it and a week from tomarrow will start two weeks of radiation on what is left. After that, he will return to Portland Veteran's Hospital for a PET scan which should tell us if the cancer has spread to any other part of his body. He is not sure he wants to take the chemo, but I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.
I have also been going through some physical stuff that I am too embarassed to talk about here (some female stuff) that is VERY PAINFUL!!! I am in pain and not getting a lot of sleep so it is amplifying the emotional stuff.
One of my oldest and dearest friends took her father home from the hospital yesterday probably for the last time. He is only in his 50's. It started 5 years ago with colon cancer and now has it in his liver and spots have just been found on his lungs. When I talked to her yesterday (as she was waiting for the transport to bring him home) she sounded so tired and resigned to his fate. The emptiness in her voice broke my heart.
And to top this all off, on Friday two of our children's friends were killed in an ATV accident. They were only 14 years old. According to all the reports, they were doing everything right, including wearing helmets, but they hit ice and flew off a 100 ft cliff. Two other boys were on an ATV behind them and also hit the ice but thank God they did not go over. While one of them ran for help, the other decided to try to help Erica and Kellan and fell down the cliff also. It took rescuers almost 4 hours to get him and the bodies of the other children out and air evac him to a hospital. Our community is just devasted. These are the 3rd and 4th kids we have lost in the past 6 months. There are only a little more than 300 kids at our local high school and to have lost that many is such a short period of time is just too hard to comprehend. (The first two kids we lost were a little older and had actually graduated the year before) It is difficult to answer questions like "Why does this keep happening?" when I have the same question. I know God has a plan for all of us and one day we will all know, but it is sure hard to keep the faith and stay strong when it keeps happening.
So, like I said before, it has been tough around here, with no promise of it letting up any time soon. Please pray for our kids and our community- especially Erica's and Kellan's families -as we try to navigate this horribly painful time.
133lbs Dec. 15, 2005. almost 18 months post-op
Christmas Eve 2005
This is my beatiful family. The smiles on thier faces are what I like most about Christmas!!!
OMG!! I had such a great time on my Honalulu overnight!!!! Here are some pictures to prove it!
Julie (my crewmember) and I went snorkeling @ Hanauma Bay in O'ahu! I SWAM FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS!!! I was not sore and did not get tired!! (I did get very cold and could not get warm, though.)
Walking on Waikiki Beach!
This picture is of my crew! (L to R) Kevin (in front), Jaime, me and Julie. And below is my newest picture of me in uniform. BIG DIFFERENCE from the picture near the top of my profile isn't it!!
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HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY MY SON!!!!
Wow!!! That was the fastest year I have ever experienced!!! Thank goodness! It was a really trying year and I hope this year will be much better.
In my last post I asked if it could get any worse and God answered. His answer was yes. Lisa's dad died on Thanksgiving. It was peaceful but we will miss him greatly!! There was another accident and another child was killed. Her 17 year old twin brother was driving and nobody was wearing a seatbelt. Derrick's dad did not take care of some sores on his feet and now he has had the last four toes on his right foot and the little toe on his left foot amputated. He really should have lost his right foot all the way to above the ankle, (he won't let them even though the infection is bad) and as far as we know it will still have to be done. He insisted on leaving the hospital and refused to go back for his first check up. He is on a catheter and cannot get out of bed. He lives 2 hours away and the only one to take care of him is Derrick.
My eating has been out of control as compared to this time last year. I am not making good food choices. I know what I need to do and I will get back on the wagon. Hopefully, I will not do too much damage in the mean time.
I had a great time in Hawaii!!!!!! The first night we went across the street to Duke's for dinner. Ate on the deck, on Waikiki Beach. The next morning we went snorkeling in Hanauma Bay!!! OMG!!! what a day!!! It was like swimming in our dentist's fish tank!!! I GOT TO SWIM WITH A GIANT SEA TURTLE!!!!! I could have touched it if I wanted to (against the law in Hawaii!). Julie took a picture with her underwater camera, I hope it turns out!!
The only thing missing from such a perfect day was Derrick and the kids - mostly Derrick! I love doing things like this, but it is soooo much more fun sharing these things with people you love! Even though he doesn't believe me!!!
January 12, 2006 Me and Derrick in Philladelphia, PA
July 1, 2006
Well, two days ago was my 2 year surgiversary! I can't believe it has been that long and I can't believe it has ONLY been that long all at the same time!! I know that sounds crazy, but it is how I feel. Must be the "Sybil" in me again. LOL
The really crazy thing is that I am still unable to see myself as a thin person. Especially since I have been gaining back some weight. I don't know how much because I don't own a scale, but the roll of fat around my middle is more pronounced than it has been. My clothes don't hide it as well any more. It is not enough for full out panic, but enough to make me think about working out!! LOL We went to the store yesterday and saw a dress that I wanted to try on. I picked out a large and carried it around with me for a while until Derrick said I should try it on. So we decided to take a medium in too. Of corse the medium is the one that fit, but I was so sure it wouldn't that I wasn't even going to try it on to spare myself the disappointment!! So now that makes 2 things I really need to work on: 1 Body Image and 2 EXERCISE. (Damn "E" word! LOL)
I realize that I haven't really updated my profile in quite a while. Mostly because I had been spending so much time on the main message board that there really wasn't much time left to do anything else! LOL And then things started getting really WIERD!!! It was like A LOT of people stopped taking thier anti-depressants, were PMSing and there was a full moon all at the same time!!! When I realized that my mood at home was dictated by what was going on on the boards, it was time for me to "Put the keyboard down and back away!" (that was a direct quote from my son!) I felt that I was doing more harm than helping anyone because of the responses I was getting, so I figured that some separation was the best thing for my mental well being. Besides, who was I really helping anyway. I miss "talking" to a few VERY SPECIAL people (and I hope they know who they are!!) but I think it has been for the best.
So, my goals for year 3 are as follows (If I put them down in writing, I may hold myself more accountable LOL):
1. Update my profile at least once every 2 months -with words not just pictures!
2. Start and maintain an exercise routine (after the holiday weekend of course! LOL)
3. Do not allow myself to regain enough that I have to buy new clothes
4. Work on body image issues (seek professional help if necessary)
5. Get off of my ass, stop hiding from the world and enjoy the life this smaller, healthier body gives me the opportunity to have
6. Spend more time with the kids before they are out living thier own lives!! (this one may be the hardest because THEY are all soooo busy doing what teenagers do - spending time with thier friends)
I am grateful for the opportunities that WLS has given me these last two years!! And look forward to spending MANY more years driving Derrick CRAZY than I would have had without it! LOL
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