In 10 days my life will change forever. How, I don't know that for sure. I feel really skeptical today. I hope that my life becomes amazing and well...... a life. I hope I lose enough weight to jog and run and perhaps become an athlete of sorts. Do a 5k, triathalon or bike. I hope I lose enough to become super active in my son's life. Encourage him to participate in sports, become an athlete himself. Maybe run a 5k with me some day. I want to play soccer with him, and coach him the way a a parent should. Especially when there is no father involved. He needs that so badly. I hope I wake up in the morning and feel like I have made an impact on his life and not feel like I am failing him in every way. The truth is, I have never loved anything so much. Or needed anything as much as I need him. I know I would be dead without him. I guess when I stopped killing myself with alcohol I decided food was a less obvious and more satisfying way of killing myself. When I think about the life I have given him thus far. I am sad. I know I have done the best I can with knowledge I had at the time. I feel like I have raised myself along with him. I have spent the last 4 years of sobriety raising and nurturing myself. While at the same time sabotaging with food. When the food is gone, what then? What will I do to kill myself then? Spending the last 4+ years in therapy learning how to cope, heal and forgive. But now I feel like I am conquering the last demon. I'm scared that I will fail. I'll turn to food, or alcohol again. My dream is to become this natural, holistic, neurotic health nut. zI want to put things in my body because they are good for me, not just because they taste good. I want to think about what I eat and how it's going to make me feel.
I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing right now. I am sure I should be prepping, but it's too much for me. If I sit here thinking about it all the time it's so incredible overwhelming. I feel like I should be happier. but I'm more stoic and scared. Should I hold my baby boy while he sleeps. It is the last time I will get the chance? I just can't imagine leaving him. The thought is devastating. I read about how people leave notes for there kids. I just haven't brought myself to do it. I don't know if I can. How can I say to him, If I leave this world it wasn't the most selfish thing I have ever done? It's not his fault , I can't say "I did it for you" , What a shitty thing to leave a kid with. Well, I know this is scattered and a bit crazy but it's just the thoughts I needed to get out of my head. Now I have had a good cry and I am ready to mope around the house a bit ;) 10 days...............