Fear

Jul 25, 2012

I'm afraid of failure.

and I'm afraid of success.

Even as I sit here this evening, I'm afraid that by ADMITTING those fears, I will have caused some butterfly effect to happen and someone on the other side of the world will have some heinous event happen to them....all because I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid that if I don't make this change (6 weeks to surgery, by the way) I'll A) lose what quality of life I have now B) never have the self confidence to put myself "out there" C) die far younger than I should because of weight related health problems. 

Flip. 

I'm also afraid that if i DO make this change (still 6 weeks to surgery!) I'll A) succeed initially then self sabotage and fail miserably later down the road like I've done with every. single. diet. EVER. B) lose the comfort I have in being the one who goes "unnoticed" or C) I'll let everyone down if I do fail.

Why is that?  Why am I afraid of SUCCESS?  Why am I afraid of doing something that might..no WILL make me a happier, more confident person?  

For the first time in my life, I truly feel like the people on the other side of this blog GET ME.  While my family and long time friends may KNOW the struggles I've had my entire life, they don't UNDERSTAND them.  They don't get what it is like to go on a girls outing and shop for school clothes at the age of 12 or 13 and have the lady at Victoria's Secret burn the words "We'll never have anything to fit YOU." into your memory.  That 18 year old scar still brings tears to my eyes and puts the ache of revenge in my heart. 

Nor do they understand how hard it is to succeed at weight loss, even for just a short time, hear the praise from others of how "great" i look, only to see the numbers on the scale creep back up and surpass my previous highest weight....again.  Or when they look at you when you've not lost an OUNCE but they say "Man, are you losing weight?"  No, I'm not.  I'm still fat.  I know those comments are supposed to make people happy but they don't make me happy.  They make me self conscious and remind that 13 year old girl inside me that I'll never live up to societies standards. 

Did I also mention my irrational fear of crickets?  Yeah.  Fortunately, I've trained my dogs and cat to pounce on them when I point and say "KILL"  I feel sorry for my neighbors though....they would likely just hear what I was saying and not know WHY. 

Am I the only one afraid of these things?  Failure and success, I mean...not the crickets necessarily. 

Love to all! 
Sarah x

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