Introspective

Sep 26, 2010

The title says it all.

I have this thing about the movie Elizabethtown.  I just watched it today again. I've probably watched it about 4 times now.  I love that movie. 

I was thinking about the connections people make. Some surprising. Some baffling. Some astonishing.  And I realized....for the last 75 pounds or so, I've been in hiding.  I've been trapped behind a wall of my own making. And it isn't the fat....at least not in itself. It is because of the fat.

I don't think I've ever trusted easily in my life.  I don't think I've ever been as open as Claire.  As willing to try and keep trying until I break through.  So I think the thing I want most from this surgery is the ability to connect.  I used to be able to, even with my trust issues. Or at least I got much closer to it than I am now. 

Just imagine.  She knew when she met him on the empty plane...she knew his father had died. She saw someone who needed something he couldn't even name.  So she reached out.  And she stubbornly kept reaching until finally, finally...he reached back.

I find myself dreaming of a love like that one day. But I am so tired of being let down....by myself mostly. For dreaming such big dreams that I never quite know how to make come true. Because I am a Cinderella dreamer.  I dream of the fairytales. Of things that don't really happen in real life.  Just the movies.  Like that awesome solitary road trip she sends him on. That is about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

I dream about a day when I might be close to someone. To finish his sentences and he mine.  But I've been alone so long (pathetically long, people...if anyone is reading this) that I am not sure I can be one of a couple.  That's a completely foreign world to me. A world I've only been in once in 37 years....about 19 years ago.  Yeah. That's how pathetic I am. I haven't been in a relationship for 19 years.  I've been on a scatter of dates but no connections were made.

I keep hoping losing weight will allow me to believe someone could love me....want me not just for sex. You know what that's about...same old story.  Sexual abuse as a kid. So frighteningly common you start to wonder if any man in the world is NOT a sick pervert.   I know I should see a therapist. Money is too tight.  And I know there are men out there who aren't like that...but sometimes it feels like I haven't met any of them.

I am so much a dreamer and not enough doer.  I'm in a rut. I want out....but really don't know how to get out.

I want spontenaiety, laughter and marathon phone conversations that last until you almost have to get up for work.  I want the dance of meeting someone new...the excitement of the possibilities. It could end well, it could end badly.  It could be a 5 minute, 5 week, 5 month, or 5 year connection. It could be forever...but even if it wasn't....if it could just be rich and deep and leave a mark on my soul, that would be enough.

I want Elizabethtown.

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