Bye Bitch Bye

Oct 13, 2014

I'm up - putting off studying - wanting to eat donuts or self-sabotage in some way. My health coach told asked me today how I felt about losing 5 pounds? Did it make me anxious? At the time I thought that I felt totally fine about it. But as the day has gone on... yeah it makes me anxious. My therapist said that even though I come across as confident and would even describe myself as confident that there's some little voice deep inside of me that says that I don't deserve good things. That little voice needs to shut the hell up. Because I am a good person. I deserve good things. I am in control of my life, my food, my decisions and my body. I get to make the choices. I get to decide to will good things into my life. Not that little bitch of a voice who tells me to self-sabotage. That little devil on my shoulder needs to die. Bye bitch bye!

Looking at old photos to remind myself where I am NOT going back to and where I still want to go.

I do not need to fix me. I am not broken. But I definitely need to work through some stuff so that I stay healthy and am here to harass my kids for a very long time.

A before/after driver's license pic. Circa 460. A Biggest Loser style pic - I think I was around 430-440 pounds. A pic at my very smallest. 225 pounds. I felt I was too small. I didn't feel comfortable in that body. 4 years later is the present - 60 pounds up from my smallest weight. I am no where near 460, but this is definitely not where I want to be. While I am not really focused on the scale - I'm more focused on my body fat percentage - I definitely want to lose around 40 pounds. NEVER GOING BACK. KEEPING IT REAL. Surgery can fix your tummy but not your head. Eating disorders are real. They are more than anorexia. You are more than what you eat. I am more than what I eat. I deserve things. And I'm not going back to 460 pounds.

The End.

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